“I have bad news,” he said the moment I got into the car.

Immediately, I started thinking of all the scenarios that could possibly happen:

1. I have cancer.

2. My leg is going to be amputated.

3. I have been accused of being a terrorist.

4. They found me.

5. I got another parking ticket.

6. I have been banned from the Internet.

7. I need to sell my car.

8. Your house is on fire.

9. I accidentally smashed your computer.

10. Your bed fell apart.

The first thing that came out of my mouth was, “You’re breaking up with me?!?!?!?!?!??!”

Fortunately it wasn’t any of the above.

Just that his mom was coming into town…

(Which translates as: she will take up my entire weekend so all our plans to go to Half Moon Bay are canceled)

“Sometimes he feels bad that someone has spent a lot of money on something he can easily find for half the price,” I explained. “And sometimes I feel that way too.”

My coworker was slightly appalled at the comment. “But a gift is a gift. It’s free!” he exclaimed.

It took me several hours to really understand what he meant. Because to me, a gift isn’t simply the physical object. It’s the effort and the thought put into finding the gift. No offense to those well-intentioned friends (of course, I always appreciate the gesture), but I have received many gifts that have been misinterpreted for me. Soaps, perfumes, etc….when they don’t know that my feminine side is purely undeveloped and I don’t care too much about those little things.

Finding the right price is often part of the journey and the fun of purchasing things. Ebay? Amazon? Craigslist? That obscure online game store? Others? Coupons? Fatwallet? Gotapex? Black friday?

Several years ago, I was so proud of the fact that I got season one of 24 for less than $15. And yet could I feel ok giving that as a gift? That I spent less than the usual market value? Would I feel obligated to spend more?

What is the value?

For Chris’ birthday, I wanted to buy him the special Target edition of Transformers. The one with the DVD case that transforms. Unfortunately I read online that the DVDs had sold out. And I had read that the day of the sale. So rather than running to the nearest Target, I went on craigslist to search for anybody selling the Target edition. I decided that I would be willing to pay a little more for the limited edition from someone who was trying to make a profit. So I got the new packaged DVD (after a sketchy exchange). Chris was thrilled, except that we found out later that Target did not sell out and the price was steadily dropping. He always felt guilty that I paid over-market price, but to me…at the time, it was the happiness that I got it in time.

Diamonds is a girl’s best friend, but I am also fine with CZ.

There was a Chinese saying that my parents would say which basically meant “Be careful or you’ll get tricked.”

But the literal translation was “Be careful or he’ll get take off your pants.”

For years, I never thought much of it. Just yet another parental warning. But lately, I am piqued by its origin.

Why was there so much fear that the man will be the predator? Is man naturally given the choice to be jealous and possessive? Why does society suggest that all men are sexual predators. That they can’t just simply be friends with a girl/woman? Or heaven forbid, a best friend?

In a relationship, I find it important to know his friends and I expect him to get to know my friends. It’s interesting to me how two people can go into a relationship and…simply disappear. The significant other cannot understand completely who I am without knowing my friends. Perhaps my friends will know a part of me that he can’t easily access.

There was once a boy called me mysterious. Too mysterious, he said, and said that was his reason he couldn’t stay. I try not to be mysterious anymore in my secretive afraid state. But there is always the friend that can get out my cynical side. The friend that can get out the vulnerability. And yet another who knows my detail-orientedness…or perhaps the lack thereof. The boy can never figure it out all (because isn’t that what a relationship is…a journey of discovery), but perhaps my friends will paint a map for the paths he seeks.

My third trip of fully organizing is now complete. A 11 people trip to Tahoe where I found the cabin, figured out transportation, provided a list of places to rent and decided upon the resorts…yeah…

But now lessons:

I am now typing in a cabin that fits up to 11 people. Sitting on a bed with bright white sheets in the captain’s room over looking the lake which is currently frozen over with the local boats caught in time. The snow brightening the entire landscape.

With people coffee grinding downstairs and drinking juice and coffee. Excitement builds toward a place called Heavenly.

Because I haven’t done one for awhile, since I decided that my blog should be a place to express my thoughts not to partake in the blog community. This is of course might make the test too easy!

Via Lele.

Four jobs I have had in my life (not including current):
1. Tutor
2. Researcher
3. Residential computing consultant
4. Interaction designer

Four places I have lived:
1. Berkeley, CA
2. Hercules, CA
3. Pittsburgh, PA
4. San Francisco, CA

Four Places I have been on vacation:
1. Minnesota
2. Amsterdam
3. Sydney
4. Alaska

Four of my favorite foods:
1. fried potatoes
2. potato soup
3. mashed potatoes
4. baked potatoes

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. watching movie or tv or playing video game with Chris at his place
2. eating out with my sister. perhaps at Guppy House with rose milk tea and brick toast
3. wandering around my first time around a big city by myself
4. drinking tea with people in a calming, tranquil environment

Chris says, You can’t spell EVOLUTION without V.O.T.E

I walked into the polling place. The elderly volunteer asked for my last name and when I said it, oh you’re the third one here! He pointed to my name and I signed, without showing my ID.

I went to the booths on the other side of the room and marked my vote. Turned around and placed the ballot into the electronic voting machine where another volunteer gazed downward watching my ballot slide in.

But despite all that.

The first season of 24 took place on the day of the California presidential primary. The black senator at midnight was sitting outside discussing topics with aides and we as viewers thought it was the white guy running for president. Oh how biased we once were.

As the Tahoe trip is coming up, I have been doing a lot of calculations lately. Should I ask people to pay me back for the paypal fee they incurred (the extra $2 that I had mentioned in my email)? Should I chase people down?

But then I remind myself that I am not a business. I shouldn’t say hey man, 10 dollar minimum for credit card. Nor should I say I NO ACCEPT CREDIT CARD. I am a friend and just a person…who is planning the trip who took the responsibility of putting her credit card and bank account to reserve the cabin and other things.

So how much do I ask? Do I bite the bullet and eat some of the cost too?

I don’t mind paying for dinner sometimes. For the entire dinner. As long as everything is within reasonable limits (I admit I was almost at my limit when a friend ordered a $60 steak + extras nearly triple the cost of what everyone else ate), I really don’t mind.

Because I don’t drink, I get slightly ruffled when a dinner bill comes and I end up paying for someone’s 2 margaritas, other people’s shots, etc. But I didn’t want to say anything, appearing as the party pooper. Nowadays, I try to whisper to the bartender to make me a relatively moderate-priced drink so I don’t feel some kind of injustice slipping away.

But for a dinner, to split it individually or collectively? This post suggests that everyone pays what they think they owe and one person would be the bank to cover anything that wasn’t paid. But is that just and fair? I remember one dinner about a year ago, I found myself with a glass of white wine toasting the birthday boy. I ordered a relatively moderate-priced entree and shared the appetizers. It was an expensive dinner, but I felt ok about it (I forced myself to taste the wine as not to waste it).

I do want to proclaim myself as a collectivist. One day, it will balance out, but will it? Will I go out to dinner with the same 15 people? Or perhaps, it’s better in smaller groups…where you’re truly there for the experience rather than to have dinner with people you may never talk to again? I don’t penny-pinch right down to the penny, but if it’s more than $3 than I should be paying…then I just don’t feel right with myself. In this case, it’s more often than not that I probably didn’t have a good time and want to just get the exact value from it.

In the days of San Francisco, it’s hard to find a restaurant for groups that is intimate and quiet enough to have a conversation. And moreso, good food that prompts you to be happy and satisfied. And because of that, you sometimes frown at the bill when it comes. Do I have to feel the pain rip as the bills fall on to the tray?

It was the same as I remembered it.

The sliding door to the parking lot. Seemingly happy faces with metal on polaroids around the office. They never took pictures of my sister and me. They had posters of Anne Geddes’ photography throughout the room. On the walls and on the ceiling.

And to the left there was a poster with anamorphic animals saying, “A mouth full of metal is a happy mouth.”

I would never announce myself when I arrived. Once inside, I sat down in the waiting room without a word and mindlessly browse through magazines until someone called my name.

Then I walked to the backroom and took a seat. Always silently with my hands in my land. Sitting up, not lying down. Waiting for the moment I could leave.

When I first came here, I was unhappy and unsmiling. He made everything hurt. Tightening. And the rules…the regulations. I knew how easily I could made of at school and refused to wear the head gear at school. The frustration and the childlike shame was all I could remember.

As I grew older, all those feelings disappeared.

Only to be replaced with “I got this permanent wire in 1999 and they said I could have it off in 3 years. It’s now 2008!”