Nail clippers

Why clip nails?

Every so often I wonder why even clip nails? Why not use the filer to trim down the nails? To get that perfectly rounded tip that would indicate to others…that you really do care. An upkeep of appearance.

But I like the sound of the clip. The sound of a nail snapping off. It’s satisfying in its own way.

It’s familiar. It’s recognizable.

And you should do in the privacy of your own room. Dating etiquette says it’s one thing that you should never let your date see. Like you accidentally spilling food on your lap.

It’s ok, I say.

At a cupcake bakery last year, Joe pointed out how our level of “upsetness” is determined by others.

“Did you see how the mother stopped the kid from crying?” Joe observed. “The mother assured the kid it was ok that the cupcake fell and he imitated her emotion almost immediately.”

And if the mother had shown a sudden distraught expression, the kid would have burst into tears and become more agitated and upset.

In improv class today, we went through an exercise of acting out different levels of emotion as a group. As we were exploring the depth of sadness, it became almost real with others playing out cries, screams of agony and despair…and I felt that familiar feeling of burden. It was as if I was imitating others and the feeling just came over me like a black blanket.

I am a solution creator

I hate it when there’s a problem that I have no control over in resolving. Whether it’s intangible, dependent on other factors or simply unsolvable.

Strengthfinder 2.0 says that my top strength is my restorative abilities. That I am a problem-solver whether work-related or wholly personal.

What it doesn’t mention is my frustration and unhappiness when a problem cannot be solved.

Sometimes I know that I’ll have a creative solution to everything. I simply let my mind free and I’ll have possibilities. Rarely have I stood without some kind of answer.

And so when encountered with a problem that I cannot control, it’s the kind of thing that would make me weep because it’s not something I could fix with a swift combination of keystrokes.

In the mask of awkwardness

I saw that she was wearing Chanel sunglasses and suddenly I was embarrassed by my $15 sunglasses that I impulsively purchased at a mall stand because my other cheap sunglasses broke. Rubbing my finger over the peeling rubber, I thought about buying designer sunglasses for myself.

I carry a blue purse that I got from a store in Berkeley. $20. I liked the color and many zippered pockets so Chris bought it for me. But would people notice the stitching? That it was uneven?

And then I saw someone else with a French manicure. It looked nice. Those nails with the nice tips pointing to the paper tacked to the wall. Care was taken, compared to my own hastily cut plain unbuffed nails. I wish I took advantage of the pushy salespeople at the Seacret mall kiosk.

There was a moment several years ago when my sister’s friend glanced at me—awkward, slightly unaware me. She mentioned a hair stylist, a nail salon, the designer clothing store in San Diego. At the time, I was desperate to be more than the student finishing the last year in undergrad—not knowing what the future would hold. Could the beauty treatments and the designer brands make me into the confident person with success and money? The one to be admired? Happiness?

A few weeks ago, a coworker jokingly said to me, “You’re nerdy. You’re probably the most nerdiest person I know.”

I still hate going to the salon, having someone determine who I will be. Last weekend, I had the opportunity to spend money on designer clothes and beauty treatments. Instead I bought a $35 Venetian masque, handmade in Italy. I spent nearly an hour at the table, carefully fingering the sparkling pieces and holding them to my face in front of a mirror.

“Does this look okay on me?” I asked with only lips visible under a green-blue masque with intricately carved gold.

Accounting the budget of food

Do I really spend more cooking than eating out? People I know rationalize that a meal is around $5 and that cooking is about the same. So why waste money and time cooking?

So yesterday I made a huge pot of chili for the rest of the week using:

  • 2 cans of kidney beans – ~$2 (purchased at Costco at least a year ago)
  • 1 can of tomato sauce – free (parents insisted I take it last time I visited)
  • 2 lbs of ground beef – $2 (at my favorite local meat shop)
  • 1 can of diced tomatoes – free (Chris insisted I take it since he had too many)
  • a dash of garlic salt – 2 cents (a huge $4 brand name shaker from Cala Foods)
  • 14 oz of organic salsa from a 16 oz container – $4 (hastily bought not knowing it was organic and expensive)
  • half of a large onion – free (it suddenly appeared in my fridge, most likely by someone who didn’t want it)
  • 2 tsp of chili pepper flakes – free (leftover condiments from some to-go meal a long time ago)
  • a spoonful of nutella chocolate – free (gift)
  • 5 turns of ground pepper grinder – ~10 cents (price unknown, purchase date unknown)
  • 1 shake of the Trader Joe’s 21 seasoning salute – ~2 cents (useful from a $3 bottle)
  • Estimated total amount not including time spent and energy used (30+ minutes of gas stove): $8.05

    Estimated meal servings: 5

    Estimated price per serving: $1.61

    Estimated price per serving with a dollop of sour cream (purchased 3 weeks ago at Delano’s Foods Berkeley Farms brand): $1.71

    In pain

    There’s a moment while enduring long dull pain that you decide no more. You think, This darkness isn’t for me, let’s go. Then you reach for some relief. Maybe the rope. A footing, something to grasp.

    Or maybe you get used to it. You start thinking everyone has this dull, aching pain. Is that why there are tears so often in people’s eyes? The pain inside us?

    Or perhaps you believe you deserved it. After all, your karma wasn’t starbright. You had the baddies following you and now is the time to serve.

    In pain, I have found is the most awakening moments. At least, I stop looking down to the graveled ground. Instead, I look around wildly and in passing, I notice the deep blue sky.