I know I am better than them

Like many individuals of these times, we can’t help but stare as cars crash. Or as celebrities fight. Or as families break apart. We follow the drama more than we follow the global wars, the strife in politics, the new diseases. We wait in anticipation for next week. The reality show, our own voyeurism is driven by our yearning of knowing are we as good as we think we are?

My dad once explained why he watched the Jerry Springer show, “It makes me feel good about myself.”

I started watching Road Rules and Real World in high school. As I grew older, I could see how everything, everything in public tore these people apart.

More than 8 months ago, I saw a call for a diary-like project. One where you track your day and then post it. For everyone to see. I applied out of spite angry at how people had written theirs. I wanted to show the world how unique I was. But I didn’t think about it for months until a few days ago when I got a response.

“Are you still interested? Please let us know” the email said.

Of course, I had first thought. Then I glanced back at the entries. The angry, unjustified comments. The people tore everything apart on shallow judgements.

Would I be strong to bare my soul online? Could I survive it without coming away with a nasty bite? Or was it shameless promotion of myself? My desire to be heard…and understood. The driving force behind this blog.

There was a call once for MTV’s True Life for I live another life on the web. I missed it. But maybe I am glad that the only person looking at my life is me.

When there is guilt and shame

Guilt is like a crushing boulder upon your head, squeezing you down and down. Shame is like that, but worse, because you could feel distrust coming from all sides and that what others feel is caused only by you.

Where you want to find a hole and bury yourself in it. For a bit. Just until it goes away so that you can return to your former comforts of simplicity and predictability.

But of course, you can’t. Because if you were looking at yourself from the outside, you would not look at the behavior in a positive light. In a scornful voice, you might even say, “I would never do that”. And you laugh at the wimp, the coward, the meekless soul.

And because you think of that, you bite your lip and face the world headon. Because of course, you know that everyone forgets. Often too quickly.

I take my new girlfriends on international trips

During dinner with my roommate, he noted the obvious: “I have a new girlfriend.”

I laughed, since he rarely made declarations like that. He was more of a talker of interesting thoughts and philosophy. As we ate at The Broken Record through our foreign-tasting sausages, he mentioned that he was going to Peru within the next week. And he reflected for a moment. “It’s like a test…when I first date someone, I like to ask them to go on an international trip with me.”

After the dinner, I kept thinking…it is really a test of compatibility. Traveling together. Not only can it be a stressful situation, but it can be relaxing and wonderful. During my Thailand trip, I was surprised that drama didn’t spill and we didn’t end up hating each others guts. We were all civil people. And the same from before.

But things you learn about the other person (and these are things you often can only learn when living with the person):

  • How they deal with unexpected events
  • How they deal with disappointments
  • How they manage their budget
  • Their morning routine
  • Their nighttime routine
  • Their typical standard energy level
  • General preference for activities
  • Dealing with delays
  • Dealing with communication barriers
  • Packratness
  • Street savviness
  • Cultural sensitivity
  • Whether they sleep with clothes
  • Whether they snore
  • Price consciousness
  • Transit sensitivity
  • Willingness to try new things
  • The kids were dancing and laughing

    When the feel that beat, we’re going to ride that boogie…I am going rock with you. All night. I am going to rock the night away.

    I bounced across the street as I heard the music to the outdoor plaza for the evening movie. Kids were manning the snack stand and I immediately headed there. As I bought $1 popcorn and a $1 cupcake, I heard a familiar song come on. In the back, there were kids dancing and laughing. They were loving the music.

    But then I realized who it was…after several more tracks was played. And then I realized…of course. It was the first time I had heard his music being constantly played in San Francisco without any complaint. The kids…being from the low-income housing and predominantly African American…was that the reason why? They danced like nobody watching. Or if someone was, they tried to get someone to dance with them.

    I was almost tempted to dance with the kids. But ironically, I felt out of place as a twentysomething Asian American…obviously from the middle class with money. The only thing I could have in common was growing up with Michael Jackson.

    He who doesn’t read

    “Could you date someone who doesn’t use Facebook, txting, and all that kind of stuff?” I asked last Sunday during dinner with two girlfriends. “Could you be with someone who doesn’t communicate the same way you do?”

    It’s self-centered, but I couldn’t be with someone who does not use email or cell phone.

    Someone who does not use Facebook or Twitter…perhaps that’s ok. But at the same time, what’s the fine line? After so many years of being online, I am comfortable with sharing parts of my life online. I blog, I tweet, I play four square…all these things that broadcast so many things about me.

    At some level, it’s a nice way to draw lines of privacy.

    I knew someone who “hacked” around the Internets and found all my blogs, my social media accounts, my private journals, my non-private journals. It was as if he found my entire identity. To some level, that’s not what I want. But I want someone to be able to share…be interested in the activities I partake in.

    What if there is someone who reads blogs…the kind that appeal to a wide audience like TMZ and follows tweeters like THE_REAL_SHAQ? But not mine, because like many people would say, “I would rather ask you in person.”

    And there’s the rub. All this digital media is meant to be temporary…something that substitutes for the lack of real-person interaction. I do want to tell people of the great moment I had last week, the accident of yesterday, and share the photos of my dinner. But it’s because people are not there, people cannot be there, people’s schedules don’t match mine.

    In the end, I’ll remember what I post in my blog and at the dinners that we have, I might just repeat what I just wrote 15 hours, 23 minutes, 10 seconds ago.