I am frozen.
That is really the essence of how I can describe it. It happens rarely now, but when it does, I am seized by irrational fear.
I stand still, desiring something. Perhaps it’s to walk into a room of an organization that I really want to join. Or perhaps it’s just to ask a simple question from someone. Or it might be a new experience…that I want to experience—a salon, a spa, a fancy lunch.
If there is someone with me, I sputter out a list of excuses usually ending up with can you go for me? The external noise grows louder in my head and at some point, I can’t hear anymore as everything moves slowly. It’s hard to breathe. I am silent, struggling. I am frustrated at myself but I just…can’t…move.
Then suddenly it’s over.
Most people…actually all people never suspect such a thing from me. Oddly enough, many think that I am naturally effervescent, charismatic, friendly, gregarious. But the closest people to me…know how to accommodate me in those moments.