Maybe I was afraid of becoming like this

Shortly after I returned from my trip, I wrote reasons about why I stayed.

But now…almost 6 months later, it’s almost because I am afraid of becoming the self-absorbed New Yorker. It’s unlikely that I will stumble around Brooklyn or Lower East Side drunk (it has never been my style). And it would be difficult to find me entangled in multiple love affairs.

I just don’t want to become that person that says, “I can’t live anywhere else.”

I don’t want to be the girl that lectured me on my third day in New York. Sitting in a dark trendy bar, my sister had gone to the restroom so suddenly there was this awkward space between her friend and me. Out of politeness, I made small talk—who are you, where are you from, maybe I am moving to New York…I don’t know. But it was the last part, maybe I revealed a bit of self-doubt…whatever it was, suddenly for the next several minutes, she threw her hands up in the air. I felt like she was shaking me—OF COURSE YOU WANT TO MOVE HERE. YOU BETTER MOVE HERE. THIS IS THE PERFECT TIME.

It frightened me. I had opened a bit of myself and suddenly there was this new yorker who was telling me what she believed and what she believed that I should do. The emphasis on should.

I didn’t be her. I didn’t want to be the gossipy Upper East side locals that walked around with the New Jersey accent. I could tell that they were absolutely city folk—suburbs? pshaw! $10 for a gallon of milk? Absolutely!

I could not do it. And even though I say right now that I don’t want to move from San Francisco, I know that I could. Purely right now, it’s because I live in a neighborhood where people I trust live. It’s because of familiarity. It’s because I actually unlike some San Franciscans…really do love the mild chilly weather. Maybe it’s because my family is across the bay. But in the end, really…it’s because I have lived here. So as a result, that’s why I can imagine myself right here. And I know that I can imagine myself elsewhere—if I really wanted to.

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