A few months ago, a six year old boy asked me, “Why aren’t you married yet?”

At the time, I thought that it was rather cute. And really how can I blame the little boy for asking such intrusive questions? I knew that the parents didn’t teach the boy well to respect other decisions. I wasn’t bothered by it all. I only struggled with what I should say or not say in front of conservative parents.

But then when a friend asked. A friend who has known me for nearly a decade. A friend who I was rather close with when we first met…but then drifted away in the last several years. A pang of pain hit me. It wasn’t the fact that I wanted marriage badly or that I wanted what my friend had (happily married for several years, a 8 month daughter, a large suburban house, a stable corporate job).

Rather it was the implication that marriage is a status of success and worth.

I have been raised in a society where marriage is the norm. It is what you do. Yet unlike going to elementary school or learning to drive, it’s a sign that one has achieved the life goal. Granted, that’s what religion says. That’s what many baby boomers would say. That’s what ancient societies would say.

Yet what about this modern society where people have progressed way beyond their means. That a partner isn’t essential for survival. Where a partner is simply just a witness to our lives, to prove that our life is worth living? And if we choose to find other substitutes for the same need?

There was a time when I imagined my own wedding. That it would all about me. I would have the flowers, the cake (or ice cream), the music, the fancy food, everything. And yes, I still occasionally dream of it—it’s hard not to think of a party that’s just for you.

Yet, I find “why aren’t you married yet” an obnoxious question. Because beneath it all, it’s asking why aren’t you successful yet? do you even care about having a partner? what is wrong with you? why aren’t you normal? when can we celebrate you?

I don’t know how to answer the question of why aren’t you like the rest of us? Because I am not.

At some level, I realize that these people want me to be happy and for some, they are asking the question out of curiosity, they are asking because they want to know.

I naturally surround myself with like-minded people. Most of my friends are unmarried. Some are coupled. Some are single. But most importantly, we don’t ask about the why. We ask how everyone is. Because we are happy for who they are than what they do.