Today, I led a workshop. Facilitated that is. After the constant 6 hours of talking and moderating, I wanted to curl in a ball and rest. Read a book. Read articles. Anything that I could do by myself.

That is the most interesting thing about me. I naturally do not like standing in front of people to communicate and perform. It takes my energy. And rarely do I enjoy it.

And yet. I know that part of me is just trying to prove to myself how much I don’t like it. But there is a stronger part of me that wants to be in control and believes that nobody else can do it exactly the way I can. My own self-centeredness and ego leads me to this path.

And yet, that is the very reason that I have fallen. It’s because there’s this performer inside me who wants to tell people things, wants to show off, wants to express emotion, wants to make jokes and tell stories. That performer enjoys the attention and revels in the presence of others.

During college, which was the beginning of when I let my performer peek to the surface, I took on a computer consulting job. Not because I actually wanted to do it, but because I wanted to prove to people that I wasn’t dumb. My dad heard about the job and frowned. “You?” he said surprised. “I don’t think that it’s good for you.”

It wasn’t really. I went through multiple interactions that were awkward, geeky, and uncomfortable. But I did it anyway. Because inside, I hated being trapped.