I am socially anxious. And yet, I constantly put myself in situations that forces me to overcome it.

In my mind, I have this great image of me walking into a room full of people I don’t know and waltzing from person to person. Making witty small talk. Then I would continue some banter where I would meet interesting people. It would suddenly turn into a night of laughter and fun.

Some would call that having at least two alcoholic drinks. I call it simply my aspirational dream.

In reality, I walk into a room. I may be smiling, walking in hopefully for yet another chance not to embarrass myself. But then it sets in. I really don’t know anyone here. So I casually walk to the bar, put myself behind some people and look like I am busy waiting in line. When in fact, I have no intention of getting a drink. Maybe I’ll make small talk with someone next to me—how are the drinks, isn’t that dress gorgeous? Maybe it will continue for a few minutes, but then usually it usually drops off into boredom. Perhaps turning away and happily going with a friend who finally arrived. Then I would stand there alone, fancily dressed in a skirt and trendy top…with my designer flats.

Then maybe I’ll ask for water…and corral myself against the wall, trying to figure out where I could make my entrance. I look for people who are slightly standing apart—maybe the kind where I could walk into an opening. I would try once or twice, but if severely disappointed by the results, I would back up…and plot my departure from the venue.

I would talk to the other guys standing alone—the ones that look really awkward. But I know that two awkward people make awkward conversation, but I’ll try anyway and the conversation will continue tirelessly. And I start asking myself why am I the only female standing alone? Why was I the only female who decided to attend the event alone?

I will pretend to study the menu and laugh silently as I watch other people laugh together.

Then maybe I’ll walk out and forget the entire experience. And when I see that there’s a great event happening downtown, I’ll go. Because I don’t like being left out.