Within the first minute, you can tell right away. You will connect or sometimes you won’t. The conversation can last beyond the first superficial introduction. Maybe your gaze connects or maybe you are easily distracted (and even encourage it) by noise nearby.

You know.

I, on the hand, rationalize the awkwardness away. Maybe it’s the wrong situation. Maybe something happened earlier. Maybe this, maybe that. I believe that I can dig far enough to discover whether friendship is possible. I keep digging even though signs point to no.

Everyone can be given a benefit of doubt.

But there are the few times—I give it my all. I expose my vulnerabilities for the cool harsh air. I express my happiness, my satisfaction, my emotions freely.

And there are times, I dig and discover that there was nothing, except a beating heart trying to keep up. Pity and disappointment are all that remains. So I turn away with the pressure of that discovery.