Well, apparently I am still not ready to come with terms with my past. Right after Cheez went sleepy (BECAUSE HE COULDN\’T STAY UP WITH MEEEEEEE), I suddenly got hit by nostalgia and looked through pictures with my first bf. I must admit the first thing that came to mind…do i look thinner then?…was that girl thing.

The reason that the whole nostalgia thing came up was because of v-day. I think the reason that I started a v-day thing last year was because I wanted to escape the pain of having nobody when I had someone for the first time the year before. When I was with my first bf, on v-day he had sent me a letter with an assortment of candy hearts. I had sent him a bouquet (through a friend of his…who delivered to his second period class) of tulips because he had told me once that he had never seen them beyond those in pictures. The pictures only had us smiling. I remembered how we would talk about them afterewards saying which ones were good shots and which were not. Laughing about them… And for an instant, I thought that I could see myself talking to him like I used to…when we were best friends without any thought of a \”romance\”.

So I had decided that I would head over to his website. And suddenly waves of envy and pain returned. And the feelings did not leave as I skimmed down the log. It feels like yesterday when he said those words to me. And it only seemed like a minute ago that I had stood at the staircase wondering which way my life would turn.

Sometimes a second ago seems like now.