And by a push, I mean a gentle push. A nudge. Not a shove.
For the last 2 years (yes, now that it’s March 2014), I have been caught in a swirling black cloud. Some of it is my own making. I chose to contract or freelance (depending on who I am speaking with). I chose to give my life more free time to imagine and ponder. I chose to keep most of my lifestyle the same. I chose to maintain my sanity. And yet, what to make out of all of this?
Is there something that I am hope to get out of this? And maybe that’s the wrong question to ask, because it’s about the journey rather than the destination.
Every school year, I often began with the greatest hope. In regards to my social life. I often would think: this is the year that I make friends, this is the year that I can finally rise above outcast, this is the year that I will be “normal”. This time is the new time. I always had that hopeful attitude, even if the previous experiences suggest otherwise.
I would sign up for new clubs. I would apply to be part of the school newspaper and the yearbook. Then a few months in, my hopes were dashed. I was rejected. But then I had the summer to sulk and let my disappointment sink into something else out of school.
Then I would begin again. Friends and family find it charming that my optimism allows me to momentarily forget past experiences. But each time, I hope. I hope for the grand new future.
This habit changed the moment I started college where I became a realist. And yet. I miss that side of me, when I would be dropped off at school and think, “This is the day. This is the day that everything changes.”
I agree with you that it’s about the journey, not the destination, but for me, I keep thinking, “This journey sure isn’t paying the bills.” It’s hard for me to imagine you as any kind of outcast or even someone who keeps to herself. You seem so connected and team-oriented now. Maybe a lot of that is the professional necessity we feel at our stage in life. I don’t know if I have the daily concrete optimism of thinking that today is the day everything changes, but I’m different than most people because I have this vague general optimism. (Positivity is one of my top 5 StrengthFinder strengths.) I definitely also relate with feeling a general funk of a negative black cloud. (For me it’s mostly resentment at the blissfully unaware majority culture people who surround me.) I think it’s *awesome* you put yourself out there and tried new things. I wish I had tried even more things in high school and college than I did (and I tried a lot). I’m sorry your hopes were dashed.
Hah! Thanks for the comment as always. It’s interesting that many of my friends and colleagues think that I am super optimistic. While inside, my negativity is just boiling (and usually apparent in my writing).