“We” meaning…well you know.
It’s hours before polls close across the United States. And it’s days, possibly weeks, or even months (?) before we’ll know the full count.

Because I have a lot of privilege—an ethnicity that isn’t constantly underserved, a full-time job that gave us the space today, a foundation that allows me soooo many things—I admit that I have been holding a calm with a tinge of anxiety. But early yesterday morning, I was startled with the realization that there’s so much hinging on the election.

It’s not that I believe that things will suddenly heal right after the election or that things get worse. But it’s just that…I am just tired. I am tired of so much, trying to have an opinion, trying to be that woke person, trying to be an activist. Trying all of that while also having my own personal goals. But it’s because I have a small hope that things will go back to before. I do realize that nothing will go back to before. Everything has been stolen from us due to so many factors. Yes the pandemic. Yes the way the president responded to the pandemic. Yes all the things that I found out about my so-called friends. Yes to all of that.

It’s simply awful.

I came across a post from 2008 when I talked about my voter apathy. About how my voting was inconsistent. About how I was uninformed about positions so I didn’t vote! And how looking back, I can’t even see myself doing any of that. I must go out to vote. When I read that post to Chris, he was appalled—that sounds like one of those voters. But that’s me, I said, in 2008. The fact is, there probably is so many versions of me. Even if there are people who are voting for the president, many aren’t even voting for their local propositions or their local leaders, because there’s not information.

I am standing here in my “office” while I should be working. I am listening to the Daily Podcast. Michael Barbabao is on his live podcast talking about THE needle as some polls start to close. “Some people love the needle. Some people hate the needle.”

I have no idea what will happen next. I remember sitting in the living room at Noelle’s apartment watching media coverage completely unaware that Trump was going to win. I saw the states turning red and…I couldn’t speak…I tweeted out later “No words :(”

I hope that doesn’t happen today.