Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail.

In 2019, it was the moment that I realized that he was actually…alive and whole. In 2018, it was the moment that we realized that the car would start. In 2017, it was the moment (or moments) that I deeply connected with a group I had just met at a conference where I thought I would have been antisocial (or just horribly socially anxious). In 2016, it was the moment that I felt in the flow in telling the story of Ice Cream Travel Guide. In 2015, it was the moments after my hat was “stolen” in Rio. In 2014, it was a moment in a writing workshop that I had achieved greatness. In 2013, it was talking to Yasar Usta in Istanbul. In 2012, it was using the ocean as a “big toilet” while floating outside Palawan. In 2011, it was my birthday moment. In 2010, it was the success in Journey to the End to the Night.

Sometimes when I look back at moments where I thought that I would be very alive—reading my own work, successfully planning some event and relishing the praise, talking to someone (who I think that I am getting closer to), or being in very social connected moments…it feels disconnected. I don’t feel quite in my body. I don’t feel like myself. Like I had concocted all of it as if it was meant to be perfect and designed. But the feelings aren’t there.

Instead in the past year of many things, I don’t know what that moment was. It likely was a quieter moment where I successfully created something. Bread. A story. Growing tomatoes. Holiday video. The aliveness is barely social. The aliveness is just the pleasure of being me and there.

Last year, I realized that this question is simply a synonym for “when you were the happiest?” Which directly I would answer as when I could stay at home. Which is the complete opposite of everything that everyone else wanted. I literally am tired of performing. And yet, my antisocial tendencies are coming out.

Perhaps it is the moments when I wake up and think “I don’t have to go anywhere today.” Maybe it’s the creation of a video as I always enjoyed. The fact that I can create something and send it out to the video.

It’s rather interesting that I am so drawn to creation. That just like so many years, I was so excited about creating any video. That as my energy goes into creating, developing it, editing, and everything…that it still makes me so happy.