What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?

In 2010, I made xmas photo. In 2011, I made metaphorical thingsthat were intentionally symbolic of relationships and history. In 2012, I made ice cream. In 2013, I made design. In 2014, I made “my room”. In 2015, I made the last line of Ice Cream Travel Guide, literally. In 2016, I made my annual holiday video. In 2017, I made another annual holiday video. In 2018, I made scones (from the Tartine cookbook)! In 2019, I made another holiday video! In 2020, I made some minor things (a chapter and writing prompts), but of course the biggest thing was the annual holiday video! In 2021, it was of course annual holiday video, which was built on little videos that I had made throughout the year. In 2022, it was again the holiday video. In 2023, it was the the holiday video though it was a hard year.

This year? Well, sure the holiday video, but I completed that earlier for the Thanksgiving event. Really, what I made was the annual holiday card and for a select few, a full FAQ and details about my diagnosis. The former was challenging because although most of the year was great, the last few months for some would have been incredibly tough. How could we write an annual holiday card that celebrated the good as most people do? I definitely couldn’t hide it. It wasn’t good and there were many things that we (Chris and me) felt guilty, shameful, punished, and fearful of.

But for me, the FAQ document I wrote. I agonized about it for weeks despite having it drafted and finalized it rather quickly. Who should I send it to? Will I regret being so transparent and open about my diagnosis? Will I offend people? Am I setting boundaries so strict that people will be afraid to talk to me? Or will the document become useless because some people do not read (this has happened already). What was I missing? Will people get the point?

Am I making such a big deal about nothing? What if I have to do this again in a few years? Can I make it a big deal again? I am just…I wish that I could stay in the state of now—no treatments, no loss, no grief. I wish that I can stay healthy forever. I wish that I don’t have to be weak. I have too many things to do.

But I wrote it and I sent it out. I have at least only received praise for being so open. But maybe those who were offended just didn’t want to see it. They have a choice anyway. I had done a lot of homework previously to check with people if I came off too negative. But so it is. So it is.

I’ll see. I’ll see what will happen and hoping for the best soon.