If I disappeared, how long would it take for someone to notice?

The thought just came to me the other day when I was reading an article about how yet another Berkeley student took his life. His roommate called the police that very same day. Not that I would do the same thing, but my roommate wouldn\’t notify the police if I didn\’t come home one night. Nor would I do the same for her. Last year, I sometimes disappeared for the night. Also, sometimes I spent my entire night in Soda and came back right before dawn broke.

Really, and it comes down to…nobody really knows where I am at any moment. My parents only check up on me once a week to ask whether I am going home. My sister calls me every other day, but if I am not around, she tries again later. Also my friends in class would notice if I didn\’t go. But even then, who notices?

It\’s this thing called independence. You are responsible for yourself and you\’re the only one to notice.

Ever since I arrived to Berkeley, I have learned to become very heated about several issues.

Religion being one of these five. My sister\’s post and my friend\’s post got me thinking.

Most people don\’t know, but I am a baptized Catholic. I don\’t really practice anymore. When I was younger, I just went along with everything…because I was supposed to follow what adults say. But when I was only 11, a youth group leader said something that has bothered me to this day. Intolerance. Hypocrisy. Ever since then, I have been putting myself further away from the Church. I never said that God himself is wrong, but rather the things that humans created around it.

And yet, I know I am an agnostic, because I don\’t acknowledge that there is a God, but I don\’t deny it either. Last month, I asked my mom once whether she wanted me to confirm and I was surprised that she did. Previously, she had said that she only wanted me to confirm if I wanted to confirm. But I suppose that\’s expected. It\’s the same reasoning along why my parents would prefer a same-ethnicity relationship over a interracial relationship. But note it\’s a preference, not a demand or criticism of the opposite. And that is probably why, I will chose to live unreligiously.

There are two sides of me. It really depends on which side you\’re lucky to get to know. And what mood I am in.

Side #1: obnoxious, hostile, mean, rude, irritating, loud, stubborn, cruel

Side #2: friendly, nice, sympathetic, understanding, quiet, adaptable

Which one do you know?

When I was in the lab all last week, it just so happened that another cs class had another big project due. Problem? There is this guy that I had an argument over religion, friendship, death, etc freshman year. Prior to the argument, he had made me feel uncomfortable with his beliefs. Not to mention that he was touchy feely as well. We haven\’t talked since except when he passed by me and would say a great big HI! as if we were good friends. It\’s not that I \”hate\” him, but rather I prefer not to be around his presence.

So one day last week, he decided to sit next to me which made me suck in a breath of despair and annoyance. I gave a weak hi and continued on my program (by putting System.out.println()s all over the place because I couldn\’t figure out how to use the debugger). Somehow he decided to read my face and ask what was wrong. Has he got no clue?

I refused to tell him. Then he said, \”Awww…can\’t a guy ask what\’s wrong?\”

Got no clue. I refused again saying that it was impolite to state what was wrong. He got the hint and asked whether it was him. I said yes and that I preferred not to be in his presence. He muttered something and moved.

There is only one high school friend that I regret losing connection with. (Maybe this is hypocrisy in the midst of recent events.) But there is only one.

I don\’t remember how I met her. I only remember that we were in English Honors together in the 8th grade. The only English honors for the entire 8th grade class. We were both put in the class automatically, because we were in the top 10% of the school. Then high school. Junior year, she suddenly shaved all her hair off. Of course, I was naive and sheltered then despite me knowing that she participated in the gay-straight alliance. Not exactly being insensitive, but whenever she turned around to look at me in class, I would fall immediately into fits of laughter. Whoops. A few months later, my (former) best friend told me that Rebecca was lesbian. I remember just nodding my head and thinking, \”hey that\’s cool.\”

The following year, I had my final project in US Gov\’t/Econ where I had to present some part of myself. I presented this story and had asked for her presence. Somehow, I had started weeping halfway through my presentation, but I have always thought it was out of the fear that I was revealing so much of myself…that I had never done before to my classmates. Rather than discussing something that really hurt me deeply. This is where I am supposed to say that having my friend there…made it easier. But now thinking back, it really didn\’t. I just wanted her to listen to my story.

On the last day of school, I wrote I see you never in her yearbook like I did to everyone else.

I wonder if there are words to know on the GRE. So that I could copy Ben in Better Luck Tomorrow and have a GRE word of the day.

Today\’s word of the day:
liaison
1. An instance or a means of communication between different groups or units of an organization, especially in the armed force
2. An adulterous relationship; an affair

I had a three-way with Mike and E today for more than 1.5 hour.

HIGHLIGHT:
making fun of the random phone call guy. Please if you get a message saying that a 15/f/hi wants to meet you in front of Fat Slice at 12:30 am, get a clue.

I say:
\”Yes, I am very interested in the internships that are available. I looked at your company\’s website and was impressed with your record last quarter. I am aware of the ___ internship. Here, have a look at my resume. As you can see, I have skills in ____ and ______. Can you tell me more about the program?\”

Back in my mind:
GIVE ME THE INTERNSHIP NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW. ANYTHING. JUST GIVE ME. EVEN IF I HAVE TO STOOP TO BE AN OFFICE SLAVE. PLEASE. I\’LL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU. I AM DESPERATE.

306 Soda. The Hewlett Packard Lecture Room. Comfortable seats. Dim lighting. A LOUD SNORK FROM THE BACK. A great place to sleep.