Now I haven’t done this for so long, but with a turn toward introspection due to this year, I am returning to this prompt.

In 2010, I wrote of clear idealism. In 2011, I wrote of ways to move on.

Future Self. Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? (Bonus: Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?)

Dear Jenn of 2025,

Don’t forget about writing. Or at least, don’t forget about how creativity drives your inner core. There was this movie that was released on Disney+ Soul, which you probably forgot because it was forgettable, but there was this pivotal question in it—what is your spark? Obviously it’s not quite writing. But it’s the desire to connect with others through creation, because you want people to think differently. That is the goal and your way of doing that is through creation.

Remember all the times that you were moody and then you suddenly created? Those moments changed everything. I have been trying to find that quote that I heard in a TV show or movie. The one where creators must create or else they create chaos or destroy. I am one of those. You’re one of those. Your pent-up energy doesn’t get released in any other way. If you keep it trapped, then it builds up in pressure, stretching in bad decisions and surrounding yourselves with bad influences.

So remember, always create. To create wonder. To make sure that others don’t feel alone. To let go of your steam. So go ahead, create the stories. Create the videos whether it’s a movie, shorts, or tik tok like things. Create the podcast. Create the images. Create the food. Or whatever they do to entertain the future. Create the experiences.

Dear Jenn of 2010,

Chris is a rock and accepts you as you are. Don’t forget it.

What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?

In 2010, I made xmas photo. In 2011, I made metaphorical thingsthat were intentionally symbolic of relationships and history. In 2012, I made ice cream. In 2013, I made design. In 2014, I made “my room”. In 2015, I made the last line of Ice Cream Travel Guide, literally. In 2016, I made my annual holiday video. In 2017, I made another annual holiday video. In 2018, I made scones (from the Tartine cookbook)! In 2019, I made another holiday video!

See, there’s a theme! Granted, the most recent thing I made was actually two minor things—a hastily written draft chapter for a book that I saw for a call for submissions that had a deadline in 90 minutes AND writing for prompts during writing group. I cobbled both together in less than an hour. Sigh. That’s what happens when you give yourself principles of never losing out on opportunities. Carpe diem, as I used to tell myself over and over again in my twenties. With diligence.

But of course, since it’s that time of the year. The thing that I actually MADE was the annual holiday video. That is, half of it. The original concept was about talking to our past selves, inspired by this video. Originally it was envisioned as various scenes like January Chris talking to April me, April me talking to July Chris, July Chris talking to October Jenn, October Jenn talking to November Chris, and November Chris talking to December Jenn. But first, we’re bad actors (and comedians). And second, the editing is way off because I have no formal editing experience!

Then we trimmed it simply to 2019 us talking to 2020 us. Easily done. Quicker. With jokes inspired by Chris (I admit that jokes don’t come naturally to me). And so although we went through phases of Anguish (and moments of Christian Bale), we filmed all 2020 stuff. We added a few music tracks…and I put in placeholder audio clips for the moments that we need to film for the 2019 scenes. And so here we go!

The current draft feels pretty good for someone who lacks editing and acting ability. But hey, it’s the best we can do!

I am very excited. We’ll see how it goes when it’s complete hopefully by Christmas!

Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail.

In 2019, it was the moment that I realized that he was actually…alive and whole. In 2018, it was the moment that we realized that the car would start. In 2017, it was the moment (or moments) that I deeply connected with a group I had just met at a conference where I thought I would have been antisocial (or just horribly socially anxious). In 2016, it was the moment that I felt in the flow in telling the story of Ice Cream Travel Guide. In 2015, it was the moments after my hat was “stolen” in Rio. In 2014, it was a moment in a writing workshop that I had achieved greatness. In 2013, it was talking to Yasar Usta in Istanbul. In 2012, it was using the ocean as a “big toilet” while floating outside Palawan. In 2011, it was my birthday moment. In 2010, it was the success in Journey to the End to the Night.

Sometimes when I look back at moments where I thought that I would be very alive—reading my own work, successfully planning some event and relishing the praise, talking to someone (who I think that I am getting closer to), or being in very social connected moments…it feels disconnected. I don’t feel quite in my body. I don’t feel like myself. Like I had concocted all of it as if it was meant to be perfect and designed. But the feelings aren’t there.

Instead in the past year of many things, I don’t know what that moment was. It likely was a quieter moment where I successfully created something. Bread. A story. Growing tomatoes. Holiday video. The aliveness is barely social. The aliveness is just the pleasure of being me and there.

Last year, I realized that this question is simply a synonym for “when you were the happiest?” Which directly I would answer as when I could stay at home. Which is the complete opposite of everything that everyone else wanted. I literally am tired of performing. And yet, my antisocial tendencies are coming out.

Perhaps it is the moments when I wake up and think “I don’t have to go anywhere today.” Maybe it’s the creation of a video as I always enjoyed. The fact that I can create something and send it out to the video.

It’s rather interesting that I am so drawn to creation. That just like so many years, I was so excited about creating any video. That as my energy goes into creating, developing it, editing, and everything…that it still makes me so happy.

Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

In 2010, it was a person. In 2011, it was an idea. In 2012, it was a symbol represented by a person. In 2013, I let go fear. In 2014, I let go of humility (or the desire to appear humble). In 2015, I let go of perfection. In 2016, I let go of expectations. In 2017, I let go of things and people I don’t need. In 2018, I let go of constant discovery. In 2019, I let go of expectations.

This year. This year. This year. I think that I could easily say the same thing as last year, expectations. But honestly, I actually didn’t have strong expectations due to Chris’ PCS. Of course, I had hoped to travel for work. I had some aspirations of going to a writing workshop in a faroff place like…Portland! But of course, as things went this year, none of that happened.

The things that I definitely let go of…is UNCOMFORTABLE PANTS.

Like pants with pockets. For years, I refused to wear jeans, but I was FORCED to wear them, because everyone wore them. Also, because they had pockets, so it was easier to carry the phone AND that stupid badge thingie. But now, of course, I don’t need it! Because the space is so small that why would I need pockets!

It is very likely like it happened during my first month that I would leave my phone somewhere and forget where and frantically look for it.

Whomp whomp.

Okay, so bigger meaning from the letting go of pockets. I just love the fact that I have my own personal space. The fact that I can dress pretty much however I want. And if I have a spill, well I can clean it up because nobody is watching!!! And if I gotta go, then I gotta go with nobody watching! I love the privacy. Years ago, I would have thought…well I can take a nap anytime, but I actually don’t. I just like taking long breaks! But the privacy!

Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?

In 2010, I said everything. In 2015, I said fear. In 2016, I said that it’s sitting down and doing it.
In 2017, I said that it was work. In 2018, I said that it was lack of support. In 2019, it really was the lack of accountability.

The most obvious thing that’s getting in the way is the fact that my creative space that was meant to be my writing space was suddenly turned into my office space. Earlier this year, I had taken a job at a big company in order to relieve any work-related feelings at home and to make it so that it felt truly creative here. And yet, it all vanished when I had to find a way to keep WLB going.

This year though after doing not just one but two writing workshops/programs, also taking MANY classes, AND getting not just one but two writing groups…I would say that I have accomplished a lot in that realm. I had hoped to revise my novel, but I did finish a full draft earlier this year (before the pandemic). But the subsequent draft has barely moved that much beyond the so-so attempt as part of nanowrimo, but I got 50,000 words done!

Each day, sometimes I worry about things. And that worry turns into browsing the internet and trying to find an answer. Quite often, the browsing doesn’t turn into anything. So if that’s the case, then it’s not the room. It’s the behavior that needs changing.