Sometimes the answer is:
Them saying no.

There’s this saying that it’s easier to ask for forgiveness rather than permission.

It has been always in my nature to hesitate to ask for (or just take) something that is not clearly mine. Rules are the definitions in my world. I don’t want to impose. I don’t want to be seen as dependent or needy.

And yet, when I am able to have someone do it for me, it’s a relief.

Last Sunday, I broke the straw in my avocado smoothie (by impulsively chewing it). But I hesitated to ask for a spoon. I was more than 150 feet away from the truck where I got the smoothie, waiting at the train stop. There was a group BBQing nearby.

“Go ask them,” both Joe and Chris chorused.

I immediately felt a sinking rock. I hesitated and walked in a circle, wondering how I was supposed to drink this smoothie was nearly like ice cream. I flailed about trying to “drink” it, but carefully to prevent it from falling on my face.

“Go, they’re just right there.” Joe said. “I’ll go ask.”

“No!” I exclaimed and finally walked over.

The BBQ group didn’t have a spoon and eventually I went to the truck where I asked for one.

I walked back. Both Chris and Joe were impressed that I finally got it.

I have spread my dreams under your feet. Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

We should not let our fears hold us back from pursuing our hopes.

This is Jem. She has white socks. She loves people and gets into trouble. A lot.

This is DC. Also know as Sophie Deathclaw. She is a scaredy-cat.

First, here are reasons that I should not cat-sit:

Second, here are reasons that I do:

“Three horrible things happened to me yesterday,” Sashimi related to me today.

I smiled, knowing that this was going to be a hilarious story.

“First, my phone died and I couldn’t take photos! Second, I lost my bike. But the worst part was running into you!” he exclaimed.

We have the same job at the same company. We live within a block within each other. We have mutual friends. We got the same masters at the same university. And unfortunately we have similar extracurricular interests.

But we have different personalities, different comforts with privacy and social media, different perspectives on career paths and user experience, and differing attitudes toward friendship.

Yesterday, as I was eating dinner after a UX club, I glanced outside. To my surprise, I spotted him outside looking at the menu with a girl.

“Sashimi!” I exclaimed.

He looked at me in shock almost.

I said, “Remember you followed me here. I did not follow you!”

He must have grunted some kind of reply and turned…to flee.

Twins. I have many sides, I say.

To close friends (and a written online journal), I easily voice my despairs and complaints.

But I easily can maintain a positive spin to everyone else.

A friend once complained about it—that I had too many faces. In those tearful moments as salty drops fall down my face, I can wipe my face in one moment and say with a smile, “Hi, how are you?!”

This can sometimes make Gemini nosy, they do not mind their own business! This is because they really enjoy communicating, more so then most other astrology signs, they are the ultimate social butterfly.

On Saturday as I went to dinner with someone I met recently, he said, “Oh I totally could tell you that you are a Gemini. Geminis have the most interesting personalities.”

Although I swear that he was just humoring me and I dismissed the whole astrology thing. Until after looking it up, I realized that I have a tendency to be attracted to novelty, gossip and duality.

Touching is unusual for me.

With my new roommate, I have met many of his friends from Mexico. All of them are pretty interesting and amazing. I am interested—because they grew up in such different but similar culture.

Because I am so curious about them, I have managed to befriend them all easily. And then after that initial greeting, they come up to me…a hug…and a kiss on the cheek. The first few times, I was startled and stood helplessly trying to blend it. I have managed to be better, but am not any better.

Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind, “Pooh! “, he whispered.

“Nothing.”, said Piglet, taking Pooh’s paw. “I just wanted to be sure of you “.

People flow in and out. Environments change. Words said…remembered and forgotten.

But one thing that matters is to put out your hand and feel like…someone is there. A warm touch.

I do the same. It’s out of wanting to know he’s there—present and willing. He would respond in kind. No other words need be exchanged.

“Taiche!” I would say.

And he would say, “Yah?”

Then this is where I would open my arms and we would hug. Just because.

This time it’s on my own.
Minutes from somewhere else.
Somewhere I made a wish with Lucky Denver Mint.
Hurry go on ahead.
Good things won’t let you wait.
I’ll catch up when we get home.
At home I’ll leave.
A dollar under water keeps on dreaming for me.
You’re not bigger than this, not better.
Why can’t you learn.

I would listen to this over and over. And think, you don’t know this song so I am better than you.

During happy hour, someone directly asked, interrupting us in mid-conversation, “Are you engaged?”

I hesitated, not exactly sure how to respond. For a single halting moment, I analyzed his motivations. His face reflected curiosity—but otherwise it was devoid of any other clue. It wasn’t intended to cause displeasure. There was a little of trying to cause discomfort.

Eventually, I relented and just honestly said, “No.”

My personal biases did surface—my slight envy of those couples, but yet the same adage remains. We don’t need to be married to show commitment.

And yet…what about personal questions?

There are two superhero powers I would like to have.

1. To read minds
2. To be invisible

Only to understand people better, because sometimes I cannot understand myself.

Exercise. Work out. Get out.

That’s what I would tell myself when I ran out of breath or looked at myself in the mirror. Or most importantly when I knew that I had an upcoming scavenger hunt that required a lot of energy.

There would be small spurts of running, jogging…but all to no avail. The idea of running…feet pounding the pavement just wasn’t natural to me. I wouldn’t go anywhere. I would run up the hill—tell myself that next time, I would keep going without slowing down. I would keep going and going.

Then the last few weeks I thought…why don’t I just do something that I would enjoy?

Easy. Obviously.

So I am doing my first long bike ride this Sunday!