“Lyrical,” one guy more than 15 years my senior once said. “You’re so lyrical.”
I wrote long essays about nothing—they appeared insightful and deep. And yet when conversing with me, I would spout off shallow insecurities and naive anxieties.
I remember when there were once admirers standing in front of my metaphorical doorstep. I wrote about the sunshine providing the light in the darkness, the curiosity I had in the grocery store line, and the love…that was so superbly naive.
What if all of them were just self-indulgent as the latest article states?
Did those essays ever explicitly become who I am?
I once said that my standard for the significant other required that he speak more than me. And he does. But oddly enough, with that, he’s not interested in reading my lyrical words—he would rather hear me say them.
There’s part of me that wants to be super excited for snow…in the bay area. With the nationwide snowpocalypse that I hear through Twitter and Facebook, well here’s my obligatory snow update.
Unfortunately, I won’t be in the Bay Area. I’ll be heading up north…to…experience more snow in its natural climate.
All I want to say is…Californians, stay indoors. I don’t think that you don’t know how to drive in this kind of weather. A donut? That’s something that Homer Simpson eats.
What does that really mean…new beginnings?
In a few days, I will be starting a new job. In a week or so, I will have a new roommate. And somehow in just a turn of events, I am moving toward a new set of friends while also reuniting with friends from long ago.
One of the few things I was trying to do in my time off between jobs was to revamp my blog. The design that I haven’t changed since I finished graduate school. I used to change it every year or every other year. But I am uninspired. What really reflects me anymore if there’s a part of me that doesn’t really want to be a blogger and it’s almost become a personal method of self-preservation?
As far as imagery goes, there is Toad, there is the quinessential picture every year (whether it’s from a scavenger hunt or a quirky pose), there is beauty…but beauty in a way that I don’t see it. And yet I haven’t found anything like the man with a monitor on his back. I don’t want an image of myself to be the blog. I want something that says I see the world the way you do, but slightly differently so listen to me.
Well not really.
There was a time in my life where I would plan to go to an activity. I would go there…realize that it was full of people who I didn’t know…and I would walk out. Or going to a context…something that I had never done in my life…and frantically flee.
Knowing my limits nowadays, I drag someone along (e.g. Chris) to counter my anxiety or…primarily, I act as if nobody will notice that I am not there.
Today, I did pilates. A class that I had never done. In a room of people who I did not know. At a place that I had never visited. And an instructor who I never had learned from. But I sucked it up. It was horrible of course, not knowing if I fit in or not. But after awhile, I was ok.
Other examples: visiting outdoors stores having no idea what outdoors really means, going to lululemon and being asked how I worked out (not sure how I was supposed to answer)…
I suppose this is the reason that people don’t join new clubs on their own unless they know someone. Fearless is an admirable trait, but it’s something that keeps society from falling into chaos.
I am not sure how I started to enjoy it.
The math. My mom always said that I struggled at first, but they kept encouraging me and believing in me (unlike the typical tiger mom). Then one day, I understood math really well. Advanced placement classes were in my future all throughout middle school and high school.
In college, some would say that I loved drama. But looking back, it wasn’t the drama. It was the problem-solving. Figuring out people, figuring out the potential consequences and needed actions. It was fascinating.
As I calmed down over the years, I realized that I am innately a planner. A problem-solver. As long as it didn’t rely on anybody.
A cabin in Tahoe for 8 people? Done.
Internet is broken? Fixed.
Lights out? I know someone. Done.
Don’t want to pay full price? Done.
Everything is fixable. But then there are things like this—finding the right roommate, finding the significant other, finding the right job. Those are such intangible things. It’s so dependent on someone else…and perhaps in my own problem-solving, that’s the people that makes me so anxious.
I can’t control people. I can’t control others. I can only wait.
What do I do with two weeks of me time? Things that I couldn’t do while working on the Peninsula, of course!
That would include:
Weekday lunches downtown (SUSHIRRITO HERE I COME!)
Visiting museums during the day
Seeing my parents before they sleep
Workouts during the light
Driving with no traffic!
Redo my website design (like my blog)
Write Yelp reviews
Clean my room
Frame pictures that I was always planning to frame
Shop for a bike
Plan my trip to Peru
Reconnect with people who I have not seen for awhile
Wear un-business like clothes
Wear NON-dress shoes
Don’t brush my hair
Oddly enough, this didn’t occur to me when I was unemployed for several months during the great recession. Hmmm…
“You are always unafraid of trying something…completely new.” she said.
I was surprised for a moment, quietly evaluating what she was trying to say. It was one of my many closing moments for what will be my next phase of work.
“It’s a strength,” she concluded.
I mumbled something incoherent, and later I was somewhat angry at myself for not just simply accepting the compliment.
But to think about it, the last two big changes in life weren’t by my choice. In some way, I was forced into it. Looking back, I probably wouldn’t change it. Change is good. If I hadn’t done A, then I most likely would have never done B.
At some point before the current change, I suddenly panicked. I was sort of comfortable where I was even though I didn’t absolutely love it. It was just comfortable and familiar. Because of that, it was easy. Was I doing the right thing?
There are some people who I know who get caught in that web. There is little that compels them to move forward—perhaps due to their sphere of influence built up over the years, their upbringing that unbreakable walls can be overcome by years of chipping away at it, or…just familiarity.
I wonder how it’s like to be a lifer.
A few weeks ago, a friend asked me as I was getting on the train, “I just don’t see why anyone would leave a good job.”
I had a good answer.