The words I say don\’t always match my actions.

It\’s not that I break my promises but I always state the conservative version of my emotions. I hate it becomes It\’s interesting. I am still upset becomes I am fine. I am really excited becomes It will be a rewarding experience.

The hardest (and most anxiety-causing) of the graduate school application is…not writing the personal statement. It\’s getting the transcripts (why does it take 7-10 days to process a single sheet of paper?!). Getting the letters of recommendations (my recommenders the graduate students and professors they are PROCRASTINATED).

I really love the idea of me attending school for another 2-3 years, but can I really afford it? Is it really worth it to dump myself into semesters of getting in papers on time, finishing projects by 11:59:59 PM…?! My dad said he had a sudden relevation of his future (aka obtaining his masters degree and PHD) when he was staying at host family\’s house for the holidays. I had mine (or you can call it a quarter-life crisis) about 2 years ago and I still haven\’t resolved it.

And in…great DRAMAH! I received the following e-mail yesterday in reference to my old journal (I had downloaded it from scribble.nu before it went defunct).
Hi
I stumbled across your bad bad dream log… I am Destiny. Why did you use my name? How could I possibly have stuck in your head for this long? I have so many questions for you, please keep in contact with me.
Thanks,
Destiny

I have always been cautious in my current blog. Never to give too much information away. But three years ago, I didn\’t know there would be such a search engine like Google. I sent Destiny a happy-joy-joy e-mail telling her how I remembered. Because she was the new kid at the end of 5th grade, I was grouped with her and the other 5th grade outcast to share a cabin at camp. I have always wondered whether she chose me to be in her group, because I remembered choosing her. The following year in middle school, I entered the smart kids but outcasts group. She crossed to the other side of the train tracks, to put it lightly. Why would she have many questions for me? Evidently, she\’s married now because her e-mail address was a different last name.

I am not currently fit (or in the best mood) to talk to anybody. Doh.

I wish that I can say that I have been antisocial lately as of late. Or that I can blame the stress of my graduate applications and the pressure from my parents to succeed (my mom keeps calling all this an unusual time). But really, I wonder if it\’s my personality change. A malanthropic feeling cursing through my blood? Or just a need to consistently argue and debate? My bubbling insecurity appearing as needy self-defensiveness?

Hey, what\’s that physical pain you talked about?

While sitting at my computer late at night, I hear creaks in the house. With my sister here for almost 2 weeks, I instinctively think it\’s her walking around her room. But then I suddenly realize that she already flew back to San Diego and that I am alone once again on this part of the house. It\’s weird like that when you get used to someone being around. Then you whip around and see that empty chair. A small tinge of loneliness strikes you hard in the heart, but you remember that they\’re still there…somewhere…out there. And knowing that I will feel exactly that way…soon.

C is already known as horrible. B is for bad. Only an A is even acceptable. There was a class I took a few years ago where the professor gave everyone A\’s because she didn\’t believe in grades (she obviously had tenure). In addition, she thought that grading was too objective. That you could succeed even if you got all Bs or perhaps even Cs. And here\’s proof of that very thing.

Also, I think my sister infected this computer with the AIM spyware!!! That evil profile!

In completing my graduate application process, I have succumbed to a combination of pacing anxiety and procrastination. A few days ago, I stayed up until 4 am completing transcript requests and score reports. Then the following day I was back to \”forgetting\” that my statement of purpose is still only half-complete.

In these times of desperation, I Googled and found other people applying the same schools as me. But, these people were neat and tidy – a timeline with details for each school complete with word counts for the sop and the application fees whereas mine is just a straight text file. And here is where I start to worry if I will get into any graduate school at all.