I was somewhat irresponsible today. Sort of! I could blame it on the DSL blackout yesterday because it screwed up my usual schedule.

Firstly, I forgot to print out resumes for today\’s career fair. So I basically had to rush down to the OCF and print out copies. The weird thing is that I already planned out what to wear (casual business), but no resumes?! Secondly, I forgot to bring the keys I borrowed last weekend to work. How did that happen? Normally, I don\’t forget things like that. Then thirdly, I forgot to get a stamp for my kickboxing class. As a result, even though I got there more than an hour early, I couldn\’t get in because the class was full (the class requires that you sign up early in the day until all 60 spaces are filled). But it\’s ok.

Without telling people to do so, people start to call me JENN. I remember in high school, I was flabberghasted when my gov\’t teacher started calling me Jenn despite the fact that I wrote my full name Jennifer on all my assignments and papers. If I had put my name as Jennifer right up there in the top left corner, would you still call me Jenn?

I played gunbound and I had no idea what I was doing. Then my DSL had a big burpy and I was disconnected.

Look, my brand new powerbook! I paid a total of $1316 for a 12.1\” powerbook. Seth was nice enough to share his \”rewards\” of a 25% off discount at apple.com (i gave him checks!) And I took advantage of it and purchased it online last Friday. Of course, I sent the delivery to my parents\’ house in fear that if it arrived to my Berkeley apartment, I wouldn\’t be around to get it.

So brand new! So fresh! So clean! So perfect!

I have already installed programs on the laptop for personal customization.

My dad asked me if I liked my laptop today and I mentioned that I needed more RAM. His first response was, \”Oh, are you going to return it?\”

A need for more memory does not equate with it is a horrible laptop and I want to return it.

While setting up Fire yesterday, my mom came over and watched me put in my msn account. She asked me, \”What is your password?\”

I refused to give it to her.

\”You can tell me. I am computer illiterate. What is your password?\”

Again, I refused. Hello…intrusion of privacy?

Yet besides that I am wholly satisfied.

And many thanks to Seth (who I went with to eat at Naan \’n Curry where I discovered that chicken curry isn\’t as good as it was and how we misunderstood each other again and met up in the wrong place and it was rainy and a hippie accused me of being depressed because i never tried psychadelic drugs and he\’s probably right and Seth was the person who found my blog 2 years ago and went with me to see Spiderman and omg the last time we might see each other might be spiderman 2 and we went to see kill bill today and and he didn\’t know which theater it was at but all Berkeley theaters are 1/2 block apart and he got a icee but i never put my straw in it not because I forgot but the spiceiness of chicken is never meant to drive me that crazy and I saw Uma Thurman kick/kill so much [insert some good word here] and omg it was so great walking back past People\’s Park being harassed by some dude and then i went to be next to my powerbook and omg Seth is going to a different school than i am and i may see him never and 42!)

The hardest question on the technical assessment was:
You type in www.google.com into your browser, but it doesn’t go to google. Instead, it goes to some random site that you don\’t recognize. It does that every time you try to go to google. What is the problem and how would you fix it?

DO YOU KNOW IT?! BWAHAHAHAHA.

I learned the answer to this one at an appointment…by a sudden brilliant ingenuity. It was one of those few moments that I was proud of myself because I immediately fixed the problem.

Today, I spent my first few hours…fixing computers. Because it was Cal Day (one of those open houses meant for new students), I went to the Memorial Stadium to attend a football game. Cross that off my to-do list as a Berkeley student. It wasn\’t a real football game, rather the football team against themselves. But that counts right? I got free pizza there and actually only stayed until the players were doing their warmups. Okay, I didn\’t see the game at all. But I did partake in the Cal yells and listened to the Cal Band. Yeah!

Four years ago, I also came to Cal Day. At that time, I was smug with my acceptance. It was so satisfying then too. There was no anxiety about where I would go or whether I would succeed. I wanted to brag. I knew a lot of people admired me. I was…walking tall. And I was looking forward to freshman year–a new start, a new beginning.

But now, I look back on those four years. I did the best as I could. Yet, can\’t I feel a tinge of regret? I keep wondering if I missed great opportunities by making the choices that I made. I envy the incoming freshmen. They haven\’t made any mistakes yet. They are allowed to choose the wrong major. They don\’t have to prepare for every summer. They can act like idiots and people forget easily. People are so much more willing to befriend you as a freshman. Going to graduate school, the biggest fear is that…I won\’t be able to relate. A few days ago, I had an appointment with a guy who was sooo assertive. He said what he knew. I didn\’t realize how submissive I was then…until I found myself outside the door. I had just nodded and showed my usual \”compassion\”, letting my own anxiety lead me back out instead of thinking analytically. But oh next year!

BY THE WAY, I got to TOUCH my spanking new powerbook today. I had only included an airport extreme card, but I regret not putting extra ram. Everything seemed fine…except that when I used the garageband application (some music mixing app, which looks really cool)…it kept giving memory errors. 256 mb for ram is apparently not enough. But I installed Fire and well, I can\’t get wait until I get to play with wireless!

\”Technology bites,\” one resident said.

And today was yet another round of those things. More than seven hours of work. Sometimes I wonder why I had thought I would like doing tech support for the rest of my life. Then again, perhaps I have been doing this for 2 years and it has exhausted me beyond belief. I spent 2+ hours today removing viruses from computers. Things from gaobot to beagle to welchia. Worse yet, some computers are almost unable to be resolved. The virus keeps coming back and back. It never ends. It\’s obvious that the virus authors are making people like me want to bang my head against the wall. Sometimes I should have less empathy than I normally do. That way, I can say without emotion…GET A NEW COMPUTER!

I got to see how rcc hiring was done. Which makes me wonder. I have openly \”publicized\” that I applied to be a RCC twice. The first time I applied…I was pretty sure I had the position. But I remember being too nervous and too quiet. Got altnerate. The second time around, I was reluctant to apply, I wanted to bypass it entirely, but just did the interview thing for kicks. Perhaps my indifference made me seem more confident and who knows what. Yet, to me during hiring, everyone seemed the same. Some seemed better than others. Some seemed worse. But in the end, it\’s oh so hard to decide. Yet, interviews are only a snapshot into a person. I am sure some people would think that I am an outgoing, loud person from an interview. But sadly, I am not.

There was an analogy that someone used to describe my anxieties and me.

I am in a battlefield. Suddenly, I look up. There\’s nobody standing. Everyone is dead, lying still. Blood spattered in my hands. And the realization that I was the one who caused it who hits me. There is nobody left. I am alone.

An analogy like that. Maybe there were other things associated with it, but suddenly I got a massive headache. Tears flow, but I don\’t want to let them fall. And the anxiety starts again.

It\’s odd but Lele\’s comment (oh and my sister\’s comment too – awww she\’s so cute, go visit her blogee!) in the last entry provided instantaneous relief. Maybe it\’s because I find that situation so funny. And fortunately, it\’s so separate from my every day dilemma.

\”What the hell do you want from me then?\” his voice quivered. He was looking at me, trying not to keep his despair inside his heart. Keep it inside. Keep it inside.

\”Nothing,\” I said indifferently. I was looking the other way, not paying attention. \”Exactly that. Nothing at all.\”

How did I get referenced from this page? A popular blog of quotes based in Berkeley.

Firstly, I should be ashamed that I didn\’t know how to spell metonymy correctly. I first heard that word last year in Sweetser\’s Mind and Language class. And then I heard it again today in Searle\’s Philosophy of Language. The past is coming to haunt me! The school will turn against me! [And did anybody notice my use of metonymy?]

Just seeing that makes me want to change my layout since I am not liking the green as much, not liking the column on the left. Yet I don\’t want to be plain. I don\’t want to be like everyone else. I need something unique…but readable.

Like Lele, I also received a Tarot Card reading. Ever since reading Michael Crichton\’s Travels (there was a short chapter on his experience with psychics), I wanted to see if a psychic could read me. When I was into the AOL thing, I ventured into a chat room titled \”PSYCHIC AVAILABLE\”. So I went inside and in my doubt, I barraged the poor woman with demanding questions such as, \”What time will I go to bed?\”

But so yesterday. The online tarot reading through AIM (I don\’t know how it\’s really possible though if the guy can\’t see me – all the information he got from was that I was asian, from California, and a gemini) was…interesting, but not as enlightening.

There most interesting parts were when he was describing a present obstacle in my life (slightly edited):

\”Card 2 is your next major obstacle…Turns up an upside down Ace of Pentacles. You want to go somewhere and explore… travel in some fashion, but lack the means and the gear to do so. Well, so far I\’m seeing that travel and movement might not be a good idea. There\’s no sense of structure here in these two cards. Card 3 is the best possible outcome…I pulled out the King of Swords… I\’m seeing this guy as a rival or an obstacle to be overcome. And if you\’re to get what you want, you have to go through him…King of Swords normally represents a darker skinned or dark eyed man, one with a lot of personal power, but with very little emotional power. Much older, too. Not the future, the most probable event for right now, in the way of your goals. He\’s not unbeatable, but there\’s some growing up to do to get around him. He might be a father figure, I really dunno.\”

What I gathered this was that he was describing my plans to study at CMU in Pennsylvania. Most likely the man is my dad, who isn\’t that optimistic about me moving across the country for a $60,000 degree that does not assure a future career.

But oh so curious!

Sorry, but your room smells like pee (to some resident in the guys\’ dorm in Berkeley).

The worst thing is that…the most persistent memory is that of a scent. I am trying to wash myself of the unpleasant scent by eating my pasta, wafts of tar from the new roof on our apartment (mind you, the construction is annoyingly loud and there\’s nothing I can do about it because its within public hours).

But back to my thought. Awhile ago I saw Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and a recent blog brought up that question: If you had a horrible breakup and/or horrible relationship, would you want erase all memories of that to ease the pain?

Obviously, for me, it would be a no. It\’s not that I relish the pain. It\’s more that without these memories, I wouldn\’t be able to figure out what I like or don\’t like. What things never to repeat (thus the saying of George Santayana – those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it) To remember the happy memories…for what it is. Most of all, something to make me more insightful and to inspire my memoirs!