Back in May during finals week, I said aloud, this probably will be the last test I ever will have to take.

Unfortunately, graduate school is not just about projects as I thought. So today, I had my first test in the masters program. And for some reason, I freaked out before, during and after the test. One of those tests where you want to just go home and roll up in a ball…and cry. Well, I may be exaggerating, but it really bothers me how much we put value into a grade. Or at least I do.

Everyone wants to seem to have good intentions, right? We all want to be good, we all want to be accepted. And one thing that we have been taught, especially those overachievers among us, is that grades reflect our value. If we get As, we are instantly good people. Just ask car insurance companies why they give lower rates to straight-A students. Perhaps there is some correlation between academic perfomance and accident rates. I don\’t want to be a bad person, but I just can\’t ever be the top student in a class.

Several months ago, one of my friends noted how I had a lot of potential, but I just didn\’t take advantage of it. In truth, I do believe that I do. If I applied myself fully, I could be excelling in any field.

Out of laziness though, I did a lot of things in college…only adequately. I chose the paths that tempted my emotions. At a meeting a few days ago, it was surprising to me how I understood theories and other complex things almost immediately if I paid attention.

My sister is preparing for her OAT (optometry admission test) exam right now! Even though I am part of the liberal front of aptitude-tests-don\’t-do-anything-but-test-whether-you-can-take-a-test-
and-such-TESTS-simply-SUCK front, one person I know who did well on both the SAT and the GRE is doing excellent graduate work. I, on the other hand, am always reluctant to tell people my test scores. But am I not satisfied where I am right now?

By the way, tomorrow is my first graduate school midterm. Stress. Cultural models! Work flow models! THE USER IS NOT LIKE ME. (our mantra for the entire program) MODEL HUMAN PROCESSOR – PERCEPTUAL MODEL, COGNITIVE MODEL, MOTOR MODEL? Grouping principles interfere in serial search! Work-based interview is the most typical type of contextual inquiry! MEMORIZE MEMORIZE. CRAM.

Ban comic sans!

Sometimes I think I really make an effort to display myself as innocent and clumsy. A way to garner self-pity?

On campus today, one of my groupsmates would playfully admonish me, \”Jennnnn!\” When I accidentally spill the hole puncher all over the floor. And also when I asked whether he made his designs deliberately bad (whoops).

Everyone wants to appear to have good intentions. And so whenever I badmouth someone, I try to always add that they may be good too. In another way. She gets on my nerves all time, but I am sure she\’s a good person, we say. This is one reason I am reluctant to say that I truly hate anyone. Because to hate someone is more than just disgust, more than just detestment, more than repulsion, more than irritation. It\’s so much deeper than that. I see such people with a possibility to do good, but I know just not in my eyes.

As geeky as it gets.

At the TG for the SCS today, it was the handshake ceremony where the department celebrated the coming together of the phd students and their advisors. In other places, it\’s called a marriage because they chose each other and will be together for a very long time.

But the way they did in CMU is a \”true handshake\”. The master of ceremonies with a blank cdr on his shirt had the phd students stand on one side and the advisors stand on the other side. Then he threw out latex gloves to both sides which they wore. There he told the phd students to say \”syn\” and then the advisors responded \”syn/ack\”. Then the phd students said \”ack\”. Then the master of cermonies said \”congratulations, that was your first TCP/IP handshake.\” How geeky!

The one picture I have in the photo album in this event is horrible. I just wanted to say that now. Why do people run away from the camera? Are they afraid of their own reflection or just that someone capturing a moment not to meant to be permanent?

The whole ceremony is just metaphorical though. And yet, it\’s only temporary and completely changeable. At most, the commitment is 6 years. I am getting to the age where people around me are set for life. They find the job. They find their significant other. I admit that it scares me. I am 22 years old. Not quite sure where I am heading right now. Not quite sure who I will be with. And for that matter, I am not even sure if I will enjoy a life where the highlight will be going to Costco every other day to get cheap gas. Yet, perhaps that\’s why it\’s satisfying for some. It\’s stable. They have what they want. And then, it\’s the little goals that matter – the ability to complete a household project, having your children make a new friend. But who knows, maybe that\’s my intended life.

In addition to my play-seeing experience last Sunday, I went to see an opera today.

It was a dress rehearsal for La Traviata at the Benedum Theater (with Hari, Elizabeth the cdf instructor, Marina, Jessica, Shannon, Sam, and Alex). Free tickets from a fellow student in the masters program. Because I came directly from class, I had my bulky backpack (with a bulky binder and my laptop) and my Nikes (because I hate walking around campus in dress shoes). The theater was elegant.

Yes, it was yet another event that I spent with my fellow hci students. Unfortunately, we accidentally chose to sit in front of some music-wannabe students. So when the orchestra played the Star Spangled banner, the people behind us stood up and starting singing. And throughout the entire opera, they made comments here and there. Not to mention they would SING bravooo and other random warm-up vocal exercises. And they laughed at the weird moments, which disrupted my appreciation.

But otherwise. I have to admit that I was tired and that there was a moment that I almost fell asleep. Otherwise, the opera was better than I thought it was going to be. At times, it seemed like a musical. Earlier, Joon told me how almost all operas are alike — same storyline, guy meets girl, they fall in love, something happens to separate them, they meet again, and either someone dies or they live happily ever after. It was set in the 1850s, so it wasn\’t as bad. And yes, it was sung in Italian with English subtitles lit on an overhang thing.

First and last time? We\’ll see.

A few years ago, I went into my friend\’s room and saw her aim buddy list. At that time, I was shocked that she had so many people online. Was she that popular!

And now, my aim buddy list keeps hitting the limit. I don\’t talk to the majority of the people on my list, and I really should delete names. But I always have this thought – what if I need to talk/stalk them later?!

And now, my main group (not the security group) constantly has more than 56 people online each day which makes the scrollbar appear. Initially, I thought…whoa, I am popular. Then I realized how I don\’t even take the iniative to im any of these people. I am just hanging on a thin thread of wannabe popularity. That kind of need to be accepted.

Maybe I should delete my entire buddy list and start over again. But I can\’t. I need to stalk people.

And I swear. I want throw something rotten at those people who constantly sign on with three of their screennames at a time.

So like, I don\’t like banana peppers.

I watched part of the vice presidential debate and as expected, many things went over my head. What happened to the political me that I was in high school. Then again, I have always been apathetic about really trying to make a difference.

As I was walking back from the supermarket today, I saw the anti-abortion people again. They were displaying the same pictures of \”dead newborns\” I had seen in Berkeley. I had seen them protesting the same thing last Sunday at the Catholic Cathedral on Fifth. It is unfair. Pictures like this bias people who aren\’t sure about abortion. I am pro-choice, of course. Why scare people like that? It just feels so wrong. As I walked, I saw a young family carrying their crying child. Would the conservative parents cover their children\’s eyes as they walk across the street? Or would these…conservatives…try to make their children pay attention – no abortion should exist, they say.

Today someone mentioned how she wouldn\’t change her life if she wanted to avoid someone. \”If I am still going to vote for Kerry, then why should I change what I want to do…because of him?\” Yes, why?

Wearing jeans is annoying. Especially when you\’re female.

I would rather wear my black sweats all the time.

Oxi-clean makes me hands feel so soapy.