Troubled, I decided to prick myself

Misinformed, I was preparing for my upcoming Thailand trip with the notion that I had already received all my vaccines.

Then last weekend, checking again…I was not. Horrified, I scheduled an appointment immediately thinking I would get the expensive last-minute shot. About an hour later, I walked out with two sore shoulders and a significantly lighter wallet.

Inside the clinic, I watched as a mother guided two boys to a cubicle where a RN was waiting. In few minutes, I heard them…cry and yelp. Tears almost came to my eyes recalling the moments when I was 5. When a big man decided to hurt me and then he still gave me a sticker that said “You’re so brave! You didn’t cry!”

I was crying. And the irony, the hypocrisy of the situation…that adults weren’t supposed to hurt you…the confusion of that day stuck with me. Although today, my intelligence told me that there are reasons why that happened. I never forgot.

As the RN gave me shots, I turned my head away almost as a reflex. She talked as she did it, not really giving me a warning. She knew I wouldn’t cry as I have built up a pain tolerance over the years. And intellectually, I knew it wasn’t torture.

But now, my shoulders are sore. I don’t have a sticker or candy. At least my fear of the unknown has subsided even though my credit card doesn’t feel the same.

A snippet from a skit I wrote in December 2002

The skit was based on a true story. Back then, I thought he was being stupid. Now I realize that he was probably trying to flirt and failing.

Mike: What are you doing? I hear typing.

Jenn: I am multitasking.

Mike: Whoa, that’s a big word! What’s multitasking?

Jenn: dude, you don’t know? It’s doing multiple tasks all at one time.

Mike: Really?! You’re so smart. How do you spell it?

Jenn: M-U-L-T-I-T-A-S-K-I-N-G.

Mike: Wow! That’s so cool.

When in a place where there is unlimited entertainment

In almost all places that I have lived in, entertainment (at least the home entertainment kind) was always minimal. Number of VHSes or DVDs—almost near zero. Game consoles? Uninterested. Unlimited food and drink? Never.

And now, surrounded by walls of DVDs, all game consoles, fast internet access…well what else could I wish for?

I almost didn’t want to take a shower, because time here is limited. When I could be watching yet another blu-ray. Or playing another game.

It’s strange how I prefer digesting home entertainment by myself. I feel more free as I devour junk food in bliss. It’s comforting that there is nobody judging my reaction and nobody deciding what to watch next. The choice is all mine.

I am halfway through Heroes Season 1, when I had stopped watching it after 12 episodes when it first aired. They await me. To save them.

Travel advisories

Dangerous weather incoming. Infectious diseases possible. Be wary.

Perhaps due to a lack of foresight, I neglected to fully confirm my health records. I asked my parents who thought knew since my visits to the doctor were far in and between since I was a teenager.

“Yes, you have everything.”

And then to confirm again, I discover today that I am missing one.

Whether to spend extra money to see a travel doctor this week with limited time or spend my entire time abroad…wondering if the water was really clean and uninfected. Whether I can shake hands with people and eat fruit—the chiku. Or whether I can swim in the ocean freely without worry.

Well soon I’ll have the solution. Soon.

And then I can move back home

I said, “If worse comes to worse, I can always move back home.”

In some way, I am lucky that is possible. For others, there is no other choice. I consider that I am above taking a retail or service job. I am too good to do that kind of thing with my bachelors and masters degree. And I would be horribly embarrassed when someone I knew saw me…and I would have to swallow my pride and say, “Hi! How may I help you today?”

Or is it?

I used to brag that I was a great stalker

Now in planning a reunion, my skills at Internet scouring aren’t up to par. In finding a list of over 100 names, I have landed in many dead ends. I am angry at parents who don’t give kids unique names—as I try to determine for the fourth time is that really the David Chang or the Mike Lee I am looking for. Then I get irritated that some people refuse to join social networks and lead a non-internet life.

And yet, although I barely know the majority of these people, I suddenly feel closer to them by reading their Facebook profiles, their Linkedin profiles, their websites, their trails they left online. Before, they probably thought I was quiet, silent…and almost non-existent. That’s the way I wanted to be.

Nobody has asked me why I wanted to be part of the planning committee. Especially since this place never had the greatest memories for me when I worked there. Beyond thinking fondly as my first real job, I don’t regret not partaking in the parties, the movie nights, the hanging out at the office.

I guess in some way, I just want to show everyone that I am different now.

When waiting, don’t stand in dark corners

The last time I remember this happening to me was when I was trying to catch a taxi on Van Ness. Stupidly, I stood in a dark corner, timidly waving my hands. Hey taxi, look at me!

I stood at that corner for at least 30 minutes until I basically ran into the street in frustration.

Tonight, I stood on the corner, happily waiting for a bus that I didn’t have to wait long. Then unhappily as the bus driver did a California roll and kept going. I ran after the bus after for an uphill block, but stopped.

Then when the next bus came, I brought out my 10 ticket ride…which the driver accidentally tore off 2. I didn’t have the energy to yell at him, but instead took note of his bus driver number to argue next time.

Oh yeah it’s bus driver 1872 for reference. He apologized though but didn’t give me guarantees. Maybe I should have demanded $1.50 from him.

I already heard the rain in the morning.

“You know, whenever I didn’t bring my umbrella, it rained,” he said as we discussed the great weather of San Francisco.

I laughed and said I was taking my chances. Carrying an umbrella was a pain. I recalled how in NYC over the summer, we would find an umbrella in the subway station. Use it. Then leave it at the next subway station. It would be a cycle of leave, pick up, leave. There wasn’t a need for ownership.

“I would rather take a risk than to lose my umbrella when it’s not constantly raining,” I said. “I have been usually lucky.”

But heading back to my apartment, it started sprinkling. No matter, I shook my head out of the water and continued walking. I lifted up my sunglasses so that it would create a mini cap over my eyes. But even then, I peered downward as I pressed on so that rain wouldn’t fall into my face.

And just my luck, it poured and I was running late to my next meeting.

Silence was golden

“Remember that Gilbert and Sullivan song – I’ve Got It on My List, It Never Will Be Missed? All night I listed grievances. Next morning early I bought a pistol. I purposely muddied my feet. I stood at our front door. The front door shrilled, ‘Dirty feet, muddy feet! Wipe your feet! Please be neat!’ I shot the damn thing in its keyhole. I ran to the kitchen, where the stove was just whining, ‘Turn me over!’ In the middle of a mechanical omelet, I did the stove to death. Oh, how it sizzled and screamed, ‘I’m shorted!’ Then the telephone rang like a spoiled brat. I shoved it down the Insinkerator. I must state here and now I have nothing whatever against the Insinkerator; it was an innocent bystander. I feel sorry for it now, a practical device indeed, which never said a word, purred like a sleepy lion most of the time, and digested our leftovers. I’ll have it restored. Then I went in and shot the televisor, that insidious beast, that Medusa, which freezes a billion people to stone every night, staring fixedly, that Siren which called and sang and promised so much and gave, after all, so little, but myself always going back, going back, hoping and waiting until-bang!”

When I first read Ray Bradbury’s “The Murderer”, I swore to myself that I would never succumb to this futuristic non-silent life. No, I can live with silence! I was after all…right next to my yearbook picture during my senior year in high school…it said “Silence is golden.”

I was referring to the fact that I preferred observing than speaking. But that I felt that most people talked a lot…talked so much.

Yet the irony is, I have involved myself in social media. I participate on facebook—leaving the “silly comments” on people’s walls and commenting on their statuses. I use twitter, both to complain, whine and to celebrate. I post photos on Flickr and even occasionally on Facebook, helping people tag photos. I surround myself with noise, purposefully living in San Francisco. I check email frequently. I check my phone almost nonstop. And sometimes, I find myself getting angry when I can’t get in contact with someone—I almost want to have a tracker on people to see where they are at.

And yet, have I evolved into something that the short story suggests? Unlike many here in San Francisco, I opted out of getting a smart phone—no blackberry or iphone. I prefer purposeful phone calls over intermittent texts.

Chris had sent me the Newsweek article titled Why I’m Quitting Facebook. At first, I was appalled. Of course, that’s what facebook is for. I post photos so that everyone can see them! I write status updates because I want to tell people where I am eating out and what party I am attending!

For the last few years, I saw facebook as the mechanism that I increase my sociability and personal gain. Like maintaining the Sims and the animals in Animal Crossing, it was a way to increase my points (to put it so logically) with others in case of required favors, compassion, understanding, attention…etc. to satisfy my relationship needs. I used to hate the idea of the Facebook feed and purposefully littered it with tons of updates when it first came out. But suddenly we got used to it—I liked knowing that my friends got a new couch (yay mike and lauren), finding out that a blast from the past got married (ouch?), learning that my cousin is engaged before the rest of the family knew (friends apparently know before family)…

But the point is…if life is only about being digital, then there’s no point. Even during the era where I existed only online, there was always this future intent to meet in person. That’s ok, right?

I put my hand out and it was not there

It was not there.

It was not there.

It was not there!

IT WAS NOT THERE!!!

Slowly, I tried to breathe calmly, but my anxiety took hold. Then in a swift moment of fanatic frantic-ism, I pulled everything off my shelves and shuffled through everything, shaking my books in hopes that it will fall out from the pages. Where is that blue—

Oh maybe it was in my bags of papers. I got my bags and emptied them out on the floor. The knot grew in my throat even as I noticed papers that had gone missing.

I looked up at Chris who was leaving for the post office in near desperation. He assured me, “When I come back, I’ll help you look for it.”

As he left, I swooped through my room. One by one, I checked each of my books and tossed them out into the hallway. Then I cleared the floor, tossing all the junk back into the hallway. I grabbed my empty bags, checked all the pockets, unzipped the zippers, shook them and threw them in the hallway.

It was not there.

I looked under my bed blindly reaching in the darkness. Then I looked through my file folder of important documents, searching, shuffling through the papers, willing to give myself a paper cut.

I was frantic. Twenty minutes had passed and he had not returned. I was getting irritated. Why wasn’t he back yet? He said he just needed to mail something! Then I realized that my displeasure was misplaced. He couldn’t come in and make everything all right. It was missing! It was my fault! He could only do as much as I could do. Why was I being dependent?

I continued, looking through every inch of my room, threatening myself for being so idiotic. At one point, I realized that I may have left it at a firm. Could I have been that stupid? Then checking my calendar, I realized that I may even have brought it to a place that I was volunteering at…that day. But I recall being super careful. How could I? What would I give for something not to be missing?

It was not there!

He finally came back and instructed me to go through everything. I would take the inside. Outside in the hallway, he organized everything into stacks. The checked and the not checked. My anxiety was high so I made a large pile of things checked and another large pile of things unchecked.

At one point, he reached into my shelf and found it. My passport.

“Um, wasn’t that the first place you checked?” he asked as I hugged him in relief.