\”Just walk away,\” my dad said. \”Just walk away.\”

My mom had shamelessly seeked out the shortest line in the rows of cashier. It was one that had just opened up…that was obviously to be fed by a line about 10 carts long. Seeing my mom push her way to the front of the line reminded me of my childhood embarassment. When I was younger, I often would walk to the other side of the store when my mom started debating with salespeople. Or even worse, how my mom raised a huge fuss when a car accidentally swiped against her (barely a noticeable dent) in my middle school parking lot.

At Costco, I refused to move my cart, knowing that my fellow shoppers did not appreciate someone jumping ahead of them or…squeezing past them just so that we could get out the store faster. My dad told me later how he thought my mom\’s squabbling would raise the anti-asian sentiment. In the end, to avoid a potentially embarassing situation, I walked away — pretending that I still had dignity. Perhaps that itself is still very shameful.

There are many things that I have achieved in life. Yet, I always feel like I am a fraud. That I am not as adequate as everyone else.

I had my performance evaluation for my work today (my supervisor bought me dinner YEAH!)…and it reminded me of how I first became a RCC. I knew they hired me because I was female. It wasn\’t because I was very technical or a great teamworker. It was more because they wanted to fulfil their quota of genders.

And so starts my search for a job in case I don\’t get into grad school. I want to be an interaction designer…at ebay, google, paypal, yahoo…somewhere. But I am constantly afraid that I will be selling myself too well that they won\’t get everything they thought was behind the plastic hard-to-open packaging.

I learned from the HBO show Curb Your Enthusiasm (produced and stars Larry David, creator of Seinfeld) that No Presents on a party invitation is a polite way of saying Bring a gift.

And I said so (with a bemused smile) when my dad showed me his coworker\’s 50th birthday party invitation. My parents rarely attend parties in the first place. As a result, my mom fretted around the house for 30 minutes looking for a present (a box of cookies!) while my dad insisted that the no-present rule be taken literally. In fact, my dad said that his coworker was probably being smart, having had bad experience in the past. BUT! Truth to be told, when I sent out my 21st birthday invite…I wrote no presents and the majority of the people who showed up bought something for me.

Are presents worth more than the presence?

Perhaps. Because my dad related to me today how a friend travelled all the way from Hong Kong…and gave us only a bag of peanuts from the plane. Surely if that memory stuck out, arriving without a present must at least be shocking.

Eventually, my parents left the house without a present.

I didn\’t think it was possible, but I attended a party where I only knew the hostess and was still able to have a good time. For the past week, I had been doubting whether I should attend my friend\’s housewarming party. After graduating, she moved more than an hour away from Berkeley…working at Google! Furthermore, I was anxious by the fact that most people all had been working full-time for awhile. And there was me, still the lowly poor college student.

But it turned out okay. Even with the peer pressure to drink. It turns out that I knew someone (casually) from work. Several of us got into a long deep discussion of the positive/negative connotations of the word conservative. And I sort of got some leads in the job market…in NexTag and Google!

I can\’t remember the last time that I had so many little wittle cocktail sausages in such a small time period.

I am taking a nice load of approximately 19 units, but I still have yet to decide what to drop. Considering that I was planning to take the Sex and the City decal…

Philosophy of Language taught by Searle, the philosopher known best for his Chinese Room argument in the computer/mind debate. He doesn\’t seem as impressive as he was 3 semesters ago in Philosophy of the Mind. Perhaps, he got older? Or maybe it\’s the fact that I always have to sit on the floor every time I attend lecture? There are too many philosophy majors in this class, which might counterbalance the influx of cogsci majors (like me).

Human Machine Systems a graduate-level course that I almost didn\’t take. It\’s taught by a professor of surgery from UCSF. The main thing here is that the professor has the ability to bore all 30 of us. It\’s a class of both grads and undergrads. The only reason I am staying is because I hope it would give me an edge if I get into grad school.

Biological Basis of Human Dysfunction This was the only class that blew me away on the first day. The professor was not only animated, but clearly knew his stuff. I loved he discussed Broca\’s aphasia almost without a hint of sympathy.

Statistical Inferences for Social and Behavioral Sciences I feel like I could rape this class if I wanted to. *cough* Most of the students seem to give off the I-am-afraid-of-numbers aura. Furthermore, most people were sophomores and juniors. Not many seniors like myself. I like the classroom–in the style of a law school class where seats are arranged almost in a full circle so the prof speaks in the center.

Industrial Design and Human Factors Heard of Twister? Well now you got to try Tele-twister! Real people actually play the moves you give them online at a scheduled time each week. I was pretty much intrigued with the professor when I applied for the research project (I later rejected his offer for an interview because I got another position). Outlook for class looks pretty good considering it\’s mostly guest lectures. My main fear is that it\’s full of engineers and not like-minded cog sci majors.

Research!!!!! Same thing as last semester. Hopefully this time, I would get more experience to perhaps…get me something during the summer?

\”Did you make him come?\” my coworker asks the moment I step into the computing center. They know that I often did erratic things during my free time. Things such as stalking a guy I talked to once on the phone and inviting guys to California from states that start with the letter M.

\”Yes,\” I say. Then I see my coworker\’s gaze of light mockery.

\”You did, didn\’t you?!\” he exclaims, giving me a playful slap on the back.

My coworkers think they\’re so funny.

And oh yes, Happy Chinese New Year!

To take statistics or not to take statistics?

Because I discovered that one of the grad programs I am applying to required stat, I am enrolled in the MWF 9 am Statistical Inferences for Social and Behavioral Sciences. It\’s an easy course, but I am not quite sure whether I should take it. Firstly, I would have 18-19 units (the most units I have ever taken). Secondly…am I willing to lose that much sleep for a program that will most likely reject me?

Once I entered the class, I knew it was going to be an easy course. The professor started lecturing in a cautious i-do-not-know-if-my-students-know-what-i-am-talking-about way. On one of his handouts, he talked about the statistics involved in the Peterson case where the judge finally decided on San Mateo county …in one of the 3 cunties… I almost laughed out loud.

My first day of class was no different from any first day of class. But it\’s the beginning of my last semester at CAL! For the last week, I have gotten used to \”suddenly\” waking up at 9 am. So the waking up time wasn\’t bad. However, sitting still in the same place for more than an hour was not.

I saw a pseudo-enemy from high school walking on campus. A guy who had made fun of my sister and me all throughout middle school and high school. A guy I had thought would never make it to Cal…or did he? To my surprise, he recognized me and called my name. And I didn\’t feel the immediate discomfort that I used to get four years ago. Maybe I will attend my high school reunion after all. Maybe?

I can\’t describe exactly what I am feeling right now. A mixture of happiness and yearning. I am (supposedly) now older and wiser…I can handle this.

Just a few hours ago, I spent three dollars on airport parking. All worth it to see Tanner to the security gate. And so it start that way until I see him again. Next time, I won\’t drive as badly.

And more photos!