Despite how much I just want to be like the guys, I can\’t lift 15\” computer monitors to the highest shelf. Okay, I can\’t lift it to the second highest shelf either. I can only do the shelf that is at my waist level.

Somehow this last month has spiraled into a lack of responsibility for me. I haven\’t been on top of things as I used to be. Maybe it\’s distractions. A messed up sense of priorities. Instead of doing what I should do, I have been doing what I feel like doing. It\’s only times like this that I let my emotions guide me rather than my logic.

I am leaving for Pittsburgh in less than 10 days now. I lost the phone number to the professor that is storing my boxes. I can\’t find my sister\’s southwest rewards ticket (it was supposed to be in my boxes from Berkeley…somewhere). I haven\’t completed the stack of thank you cards I had on my desk. I never visted the graduate student instructor who has the philosophy final that I supposedly failed. And also to visit my grandmother whose computer has been having problems… So many things to do, or maybe it\’s just my perspective at the moment. It\’s not about leaving the Bay Area anymore. It\’s just…leaving Berkeley.

Today was my dad\’s first day at his new job. He seemed very uncomfortable about it. Being young, I saw the new job as a new beginning. He saw it almost like a death trap, an indication of his age. The years past. Despite getting two job offers, he chose this one for its location and \”supposed\” stability. I can\’t even imagine doing that at all. But here is one case where list of priorities are different…

Anyway, I wanted to test out my (\”stolen\”) dell speakers. So I started playing the Garden State soundtrack at full volume downstairs earlier this evening. I pointed the speakers toward my neighbors who threw a few parties that irritated my parents (yes my parents are the type of people that would have a squad car on your front lawn within 30 minutes of the noise disturbance). The speakers are good.

Even though I don\’t believe in superstitions or premonitions, I suddenly remembered a dream I had awhile ago. But a dream? On occasion, my dreams often predict the future in a weird way. The last time it happened was in my asian studies class 2 years ago. A few nights before our final essay was to be returned, I had a dream that my graduate student instructor for my section made an annoucement before handing back the essays. PLAGIARISM, she declared. And I knew she was talking about me. A few days later, it was almost the same. Except that I wasn\’t the one accused. She just generally talked about how disappointing that some students did it.

But back to the original dream. As I was driving back home, I remember I had a dream where I died at the age of 23. But then say you knew you were going to die in a year. By accident or disease? What are you going to do? Sure, it\’s a cliched question. But, CARPE DIEM? So much of my life, I have planned it out. I save money, refuse to spend. Not only because I am stingy, but because I worry that some emergency will happen in the future where I would need this money. Every day is planned out within the first hour I wake up including the alternatives to what I would do if some event is cancelled. When spontaneity does occur, it is almost like a fresh breeze. And there are some people who reschedule things or simply cancel things because they\’re tired. To recharge themselves. But what happened to being young and taking advantage of every oppotunity you get? What happened to that random trek across town because you want to see if the sticker you left on the back door of a shady Indian restaurant is still there?

\”Friend.\” It\’s one of those words that have puzzled me for the longest time. So much that I wrote one of my best college papers on it.

\”Your friend never came by to pick up the futon,\” my dad said on my voice mail. Earlier, I had called home to tell him that someone had responded to my craigslist and that if she was going to pick up the futon, she was going to call the house phone number prior to arrival. However, my first response to the message was \”SHE IS NOT A FRIEND. HOW DARE YOU USE A SACRED LABEL TO DESCRIBE SOMEONE I DON\’T EVEN KNOW.\”

At the same time, to call someone \”not a friend\” could be the most painful insult ever. Last month, someone and I concluded that we were not friends. We were just people…who once considered each other as former friends…and that now we were nothing more than strangers who pass by each other in the street. Where are the times that we can easily introduce someone as an acquaintance? We just can\’t. Someone I met for a minute and am forced to introduce to other people, I may have to refer…as a friend. It\’s one of those labels that are not truly definite. Using the word \”friend\” to describe someone is so…contrived from social pressures. It never really matches the internal state of mind. It\’s easier to say \”my friend works at google\” than to say \”i know someone who works at google\”. To some, it\’s almost a privileged type of status.

But ultimately, to be a friend means that you get invited to a wedding and you get free food (although this is also a test of whether you can think of a good wedding gift).

—

In other news, it really was scary driving home today. Personally, I prefer leaving Berkeley LATE so that there are no cars on the road. But instead I left at 9:30 pm and there were many. As I merged onto the freeway (in my brand new 2004 cactus-colored Toyota Corolla), cars began changing lanes, pulling away from a car in front of me. A white bmw. For some reason, this lane suddenly slowed down 30 mph. Usually it\’s around 50 mph in the tunnel. My first thought was that the car in front of me was having an engine problem. I grumbled, but I was reluctant to change lanes in the tunnel because I suck at driving like that. So I followed the white bmw through the tunnel. And worse of all, I noticed that it wavered in the lane, almost like it lost control of staying in its appropriate lane. Was the driver drunk? Get out of this situation as fast you can, Jenn. Two summers ago, I remember Seth saying People don\’t die easily when I was freaked out that a friend got into a car accident because he was one hour late. The bmw\’s brake lights went on once on the way out of the tunnel even though there were no obstacles around it. Bright red light spilled in the lane. Eventually, the space cleared and I drove past it as fast as I could. Just to get away.

One thing that has troubled me for the past summer is this \”missing you\” thing. With the technology so advanced, would people really miss my presence? I will always blog. I will always have free long distance on my cellphone. And most of all, I will have AIM. We\’re all so much closer than we can ever be.

I think that was the issue that I was trying to address earlier. There are a few friends in Berkeley that I only talk to on AIM. So moving cross country almost makes no difference. I could be in any city, any place and be on AIM…and the location wouldn\’t make a difference. There are some people I call often and it seems like we were never that far apart. Is the fact that I know so much about someone\’s life who lives more than 600 miles away…a reason for missing?

Sometimes they say they miss the smile. The presence, the smell (even if it\’s bad!), the gestures, the voice, but sometimes I think this is just purely psychological. At the same time, I feel like I am just trying to rationalize my parting from a place that shaped me for the last 4 years. Mostly, I wouldn\’t be who I am today if I never went to Berkeley. I wouldn\’t be able to socialize, to relate to people, to be polite if I hadn\’t gone here.

While eating my dinner, my mom asked me why I always came home so late from work. I told her that I was talking with some friends otherwise I would have come home earlier. Also I told her that the I wanted to spend time with people I would most likely not see again. (A pseudo \”I SEE YOU NEVER\”!)

To which, she responded, \”Why spend time with people you won\’t ever see again? That\’s a waste of time! Spend time with people you will see again.\”

She paused for a second and then said, \”Like your parents!\”

Parental advice sound? Or not?

I am currently WARdriving now. AKA I drove me car around the neighborhood to find an unsecured wireless network to leech off of. I am sitting awkwardly in the driver\’s seat, parked illegally in a reserved parking space. Laughing occasionally at my laptop with these random people walking past me on the sidewalk staring at me.

By the way I am still wearing my glasses. And the sun still hurts my eyes. (No sunglasses…sobby.)

It\’s also very hot. I have an appointment with a resident in 6 minutes. Most likely the wrong ethernet address was registered. I\’ll probably have to use my laptop to correct it so that they get instant gratification. My laptop is heating up. It doesn\’t like those obnoxious stares from outside.

It\’s interesting what wearing glasses for two days straight does for me. Technically, the Bay Area isn\’t as superficial as SoCal, so I didn\’t expect people to be suddenly repulsed. Rather I got blunt comments mostly from \”Since when did you wear glasses?\” or to nothing at all.

Maybe I do look better with glasses. Tomorrow I have an appointment with a doctor at 9:25 am.

Wearing glasses makes me feel incredibly sleepy. Usually, I wear them after I take my nightly shower and bedtime. Conditioning, I guess. And furthermore, I haven\’t had these lenses changed for more than 5 years. So evidently, the prescription on this is lower than my normal very-near-sighted prescription. I can\’t read the small text from far away…that I usually can.

Also today, I had to install some new hardware in two broken computers. Being uncoordinated, I promptly bumped my head on the table. And knocked my glasses nearly off my face. This is a reminder of when I liked basketball right until the ball hit me squarely on my nose and split my glasses in two. Yes, like those movies, I used gray masking tape to keep my glasses together for the rest of the school day.

Today was the first day in a long time that I have worn my glasses in public. For some reason, my left eye has been irritating me. It turned pink for no reason, scaring little kids. No I am not contagious, old ladies. I am not going to haunt your dreams, little girl. I just have…a pink eye?

But I have always avoided using my glasses for the fact that they\’re ridiculously thick. Without them, I cannot see that well. If you think you\’re very near-sighted, then I am very very near-sighted. My prescription is…900. Most people I know are around 400. There\’s only one PERSON that I know (besides my family) who has worse eyes than me.

There are times I envy the fact that some people can go to interviews wearing their glasses. But the main problem for me is that…my eyes look too deformed these thick lenses. Too bulgy. So it goes?

Finished FOTOLOG. Farewell party is now in motion. Who wants to be invited? Who can make it? Who really wants to say goodbye to me…to only see me on aim again the very next day?

Someone last month said that I like to get reactions out of people. I don\’t do it intentionally.

But I was surprised at how much I wanted to see the reaction from me saying, \”We need to have a talk.\”

I think I watch too much TV. Or maybe too many movies.

Today was one of those few days that I felt like I was really taking a \”vacation\”. It\’s a summer day. I have \”nothing\” to do. Shroom came up from Pleasanton and we just wandered through Walnut Creek. (In his MANUAL \’94 Acura Integra – equipped with an alarm system which I wanted to set off, but decided to be civil instead) He tagged along with me through Sharper Image (where I tried to find something I wanted to buy to use my $25 gift certificate), Macy\’s, Nordstrom\’s, Office Depot, and downtown WC. But mostly, I felt that despite the fact that I hadn\’t seen Shroom since New Year\’s, it really didn\’t feel like we hadn\’t seen each other for the longest time. We both drift along in the same online circles, are online on AIM all the time, post in the same msg boards…so then why is there so much \”longing\” for people who are separated by distance? Especially in this technology-infused world?

I miss my sister every time she leaves…but then when she comes back, it almost seems like she never left at all. We pick up where we started. And the feeling of longing comes back temporarily after she leaves. But then I return to how it was like. We forget too easily. It\’s easy to adjust to a constant absence. I remember how it was for one of my ldr relationships. It was always great when he was around, but when he left, I felt instant longing, but it disappeared within a day to only be replaced with relief that I can adjust back to the norm again. Not that I am saying there is anything wrong, but it\’s just interesting how we adjust. People always come back to the point to acting like the missing person is never there…

By the way, I should work on giving better hugs. ;) Sorry shroom!