I am going to say it now. I am disappointed that my cs homework overtook my evening and I couldn\’t go to the dark alley to complete a task.

Drama queen is here, but drama queen has no place to act.

After reading Lydia\’s first post on her xanga, I remembered how I had used to dislike the very idea of journaling. I am not talking about journaling online, but the idea of keeping a diary. But then, my aunt gave me a diary and for kicks, I wrote in it.

Somehow along the way, I wanted my diary to reflect my strengths and my growth. And that\’s why I started writing in it sporadically. Then I decided to write a bit online…this was my first post ever:
Today is June 1, 1999. Yesterday I was forced to work with my history group. We are doing a project on the fifties. The fifties! A member of that group made us change from the nineties (which I really wanted) to the fifties. Fine, be that way! I am not a happy person. So we worked on our project.
I drove there by the way. It was amazing that I didn\’t scratch my mom\’s car. I am not the greatest driver. About a month ago, while making a U-turn, I ruined the tire. My parents weren\’t really mad. Although my mom went insane for a couple of minutes. But, you know, things calm down. The amazing part was that I was able to drive through a narrow road up a narrow driveway. I am alive! My friend, who is a member of my group, offered to turn the car around for me. How nice! I would have miscalculated the trees and the other cars there. When I was leaving, some guy, another member of my group, tailgated me all the way home. It pissed me off. Hey…at least I don\’t speed. I was only driving five miles above the speed limit. According to the driver\’s handbook issued by DMV, you\’re supposed to speed up when you are being tailgated. You\’re not supposed to pull over because the tailgater might just follow you and crash into you. Really. It was an adventure for me. In particular. Two more weeks of school! yay! I got my yearbook today. The strangest part is that my mom had only ordered on yearbook for my sister and me (yes, we were supposed to share or something), but somehow we each got a yearbook. Quite strange, but quite lucky! Now I can have my very own yearbook. However several years later we wouldn\’t care…

I am glad someone I work with said this to me…

i\’m glad i\’m not the only non-alcoholic out there

I am glad too. :)

Well, apparently I am still not ready to come with terms with my past. Right after Cheez went sleepy (BECAUSE HE COULDN\’T STAY UP WITH MEEEEEEE), I suddenly got hit by nostalgia and looked through pictures with my first bf. I must admit the first thing that came to mind…do i look thinner then?…was that girl thing.

The reason that the whole nostalgia thing came up was because of v-day. I think the reason that I started a v-day thing last year was because I wanted to escape the pain of having nobody when I had someone for the first time the year before. When I was with my first bf, on v-day he had sent me a letter with an assortment of candy hearts. I had sent him a bouquet (through a friend of his…who delivered to his second period class) of tulips because he had told me once that he had never seen them beyond those in pictures. The pictures only had us smiling. I remembered how we would talk about them afterewards saying which ones were good shots and which were not. Laughing about them… And for an instant, I thought that I could see myself talking to him like I used to…when we were best friends without any thought of a \”romance\”.

So I had decided that I would head over to his website. And suddenly waves of envy and pain returned. And the feelings did not leave as I skimmed down the log. It feels like yesterday when he said those words to me. And it only seemed like a minute ago that I had stood at the staircase wondering which way my life would turn.

Sometimes a second ago seems like now.

I have the tendency to make my life really interesting.

I rarely turn down an opportunity to do something…to meet people. I make abrupt, spontaneous decisions. And I know I take the risks.

So isn\’t that why I am in the mess that I am right now? Isn\’t that the reason why someone\’s innocent smile can turn into an evil, accusing grin? And isn\’t that why a look of understanding can cause salty tears to fall from my eyes?

It\’s always better to know than not to know.

EDIT: THIS POST IS NOT ABOUT NAIM.

Went to see my cousin (who I haven\’t seen for 4-5 years since the last and first time I went to the midwest…) Jeff with his girlfriend in San Francisco today. My family is puny compared to my friends\’ who have so many relatives that they can\’t keep track. Jeff was the only cousin that I had ever talked to (regularly) although not as much now since he has graduated and the syndrome of being next a internet-connected computer wears off quite quickly in the job world.

Then I walked around SF a bit by myself. Got shoved in the face by people with backpacks who didn\’t know where they were going. :p

Then watched two movies at home! But I am a Cheerleader (was really good satire of homosexuality but it seemed a bit stereotypical) and The Good Girl (GOOD MOVIE, and that\’s all I have to say…)

And yesterday, V-day. BESTEST DAY EVER. It was a blah event to say the least, but all 9 of us (ALL FEMALE) had such a blast. Before I went, I dropped by Safeway to buy flowers…got a bunch of carnations. At the restaurant, someone else got a bunch of purple irises. So…everyone got a few pink carnations and purple irises. I am sure we disturbed the romantic atmosphere. ;) Pictures soon!

as a result of this week\’s events, I have not been taking care of myself. The last time I actually had real food was Tuesday right before I went to the \”special meeting\”. Then on Wednesday all I ate was just milk and cereal. I skipped lunch. I couldn\’t eat dinner because I was feeling very sick after having the talk with my [EDITED]. Then on Thursday, I felt so tired because I didn\’t eat anything. I had a bottle of apple juice and I felt so incredibly sick during class. (BATHROOM SICK). Because I barely ate. Xing gave me a cookie. Then when I got back, I finally ate the noodles that my mom had prepared me. Ate a few cookies at the meeting. Then ate dry cereal.

And today was the first time I had a real meal. My lunch.

Sigh. And as a result of the past week\’s events, I haven\’t been taking care of my ankle either. Ugh, hurts.

Happy Valentine\’s DAY! :D

Naim got me something cool already! How about yoooou?

EDIT:
my sis got me this
stacee got me this

AND I GOT NUTHIN FOR NOBODY! :D

here have a <3

Stacee showed me this and I was so intrigued. It was saddening because she didn\’t die from a drunk driver…but survived with many scars changing her life forever. If she did die, the impact wouldn\’t have been the same. And thus, I decided to google and found a long article on her recovery.

would like to mention the blah club is having the second general meeting tomorrow at 225 Dwinelle at 6 pm!!!