I have watched Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring five times this week on digital cable. :D But that\’s still not close to that of true fans.

I watched the first movie with intended indifference with my sister\’s (former) friends in Cupertino. We had arrived late because someone couldn\’t find the Fremont BART station. Since we were late, we had to sit in the front row. I remember becoming very dizzy during the fight in the Mines of Moria. At one point, I remember thinking when is this going to end?

I watched the second movie one day before I left for China. I had watched it with my sister and Lydia in Walnut Creek. In there, I ran into Cliff and friends. Before watching this one, my coworkers had shown me the trailer from apple.com Of course, the trailer used the theme music from Requiem of a Dream…and as a result built up the anticipation. I remember becoming fascinated with the story afterwards that I bought all 3 novels at the airport to read on the flight to Beijing.

In December, after all my finals were done, I watched the last and final one with Lydia (who had already seen it). My sister had dropped us off while she went to fix her frame. I knew the entire story by heart…and wasn\’t surprised that they had kept a long ending. It is the way to bid farewell.

My whole fascination with the triology will be concluded by my purchase of the extended version dvd box set late fall. And perhaps the recitation of lines.

I know this is just some amusement for myself during my dull summer. There aren\’t that much things on my to-do list: prepare for my move cross country, spend the $10 amazon gift certificate, change all my online accounts to another e-mail address, sell my futon and bed, sell textbooks…

\”I might never have liked you. Point in fact I despise you. But that doesn\’t suggest I don\’t respect you.\”

That simple line from a movie summarizes everything I have often felt with those I keep at an arm\’s length.

It\’s an insulting thing to be categorized as a bookworm. Just because I attended UC Berkeley doesn\’t mean that I love to read books. Just because I am not into partying doesn\’t mean that I like to spend my time reading. Just because I tend to be an introvert in certain social situations doesn\’t mean reading is the joy of my life.

In January, I had become disinterested in the conversation about gaming that Tanner and my friend were having. I had stopped saying much because I didn\’t know that much about gaming. Observing my silence, Tanner tried to get me into the conversation, \”Jenn\’s love is her books.\”

I was shocked. I never told Tanner anything about anything about books. He had assumed that since I always stuck to being cultured…he believed that my \”gaming\” was reading books. It reminded me of last year at this party where someone saw that I looked out of place. She had gestured to the group of people oogling over celebrities\’ pictures in a magazine and concluded that I liked \”sitting and reading.\”

With the $20 barnes and noble gift card Tanner had sent me (which had sat in my desk for months with an intention to return it to him), I eventually went to the local bn to buy photo corners…and a book. The entire irony is that I devoured the book. A book by Oliver Sacks. Yet, I hate being stereotyped into a mousey glasses-wearing booklover. I just want to be everyone else.

Somehow I can\’t ever be straight serious. In my high school yearbook, I wrote that my future occupation would be \”a drummer in LA\” when it was obvious that I was heading into something more academic. And I just looked at my rescomp bio I am the only one that came up with something whimsical for my 5 year plan.

My time at Rescomp (the organization at UC Berkeley that provides tech support aned manages the internet connection in the dorms) is almost ending. When I first moved into the dorms during my freshman year, I was intrigued by the entire thing. I didn\’t know what an ethernet cord was. At that time, I got my first Windows machine and thought I had to dial into something for broadband. I was an expert in my Macintosh Performa (I memorized the entire manual), yet…I wasn\’t elite enough. A RCC came into my room because I couldn\’t figure out how to use the ethernet cord. When he made me crawl under my desk, I wanted to be better than him…I applied to be an intern and got it. I applied to be a RCC but was put on alternate status. The following year, I applied again and finally got the position.

But now that I am leaving (with all this experience) will i miss Rescomp as a whole? I was one of the few females in there, but that wasn\’t the reason that I sometimes felt out of place. This was one of the few places in college I entered without a friend or someone coming along with me. I went in it all by myself, for my own reasons. It was never about the money, but the desire to be better than the rest. There are some rescommies that were so devout, their life revolved around rescomp, their friends were from rescomp. To outsiders, it may have seemed like a rescult. But I never really got into the vibe. I avoided the parties. I rescinded most invitations to social outings. And yet, the last 2 years have been so fulfilling. Will I miss working at a place where everyone is my age or 1-2 years younger/older? A place where I can talk about my stories and people can immediately relate? I have about 2.5 months left…and we\’ll see.

Yesterday I complained outloud about the stresses that my parents were putting on me–issues about me moving to the East Coast and all these appointments I need to make. Both of my parents constantly remind me to do this and that.

My dad was washing the dishes while I had ranted all this. \”Let me show you some real anxiety,\” he said.

He walked over to the table and picked up the remote, turning on the TV. The TV was on the spelling bee in Washington DC. At that moment, a boy of 12 years old was trying to spell a word. He asked the annoucer for the word of origin then a question about the roots. My dad pointed at the TV, \”Now that is anxiety.\”

And finally pictures! The Vienna Teng concert! On Tuesday, I had arranged with my supervisor to leave at 5, but I felt guilty for leaving right in a middle of a job so instead I left Berkeley at 5:45 pm. As a result, I was stuck in heavy traffic going south on 880 toward San Jose. Not to mention, I was driving the NEW CAR. Despite having the great (standard) sound system entertaining me, I was anxious about driving. Afraid of scratches, et. al I also got lost on the way to Mae\’s house and Montomgery Theatre. Somehow, we still got there on time and was squeezed into the side. The concert was sponsored by some Christian organization. All proceeds benefited their mission to Tijuana. The concert itself was great. Vienna talked about every single song, what it meant to her and why she wrote it.

There are times I wonder why I am so defensive. I lack the quality of politeness (occasionally). In that sense, I am bull-headed and self-centered. I always want to be right. Yet, I always maintain my own integrity. Is this why I attract attention of older people when I was 13? Because I never stopped fighting, because I just couldn\’t, because I always wanted the last word, thinking that I was consistently better than them. Why am I so easily swayed by the comment, \”I want to see you again because you\’re interesting.\” And is that why, I have incidents like yesterday and like last summer? How did yesterday\’s dinner ever succumb to the question of \”is it more shallow to go to a school because of its name or to go to a school because of its football team?\” But at least, they answered the \”do you watch porn\” question! :D

Last summer, I said I liked to do things that started with the letter M (as well as meet guys from states that start with the letter M). They couldn\’t guess and I laughed. I eventually said mind games and manipulation. But it\’s a whole year since I said that. Another chapter of my life is brewing and perhaps there\’s something else waiting for me.

Despite never having a set schedule, I love the way this summer is turning out. I am spending time with people of all sorts and meeting people that I normally would not have met. Yet it seems as if my parents are somewhat weary about my own in-and-out. I don\’t know if I\’ll be home for dinner until 3 hours before. Sometimes I don\’t even know when I\’ll leave until midnight the day before and I don\’t know if I\’ll be done.

But still.

Yesterday I went to see Vienna Teng at the Montgomery Theatre in San Jose. Went to see it with Mae. It was extraordinarily good. I even saw echeng (a RBJer) there playing his viola. Then later, I stood outside Mae\’s house talking with her…for a good 30 minutes the dark.

Today, I drove all the way to San Francisco since Karen\’s best friend Brenda was visiting from Hong Kong. After today\’s experience, I doubt that I will choose to drive to SF again. It drove me crazy how there were one way streets everywhere and no right turns here and there. Even worse, I didn\’t always know where I was going and got lost a few times. :D Fortunately Karen\’s other friend Shong got a map. We hit up all the tourist attractions (yes we had an EARTHQUAKE!) Later on, we went to Japan Town to this weird Japanese \”bbq\” restaurant that was way too expensive. And there I was forced to sit with two guys…who were friends of Karen\’s roommate. But I found myself in the same position as I was last summer at a SF bar. A play…a toy. They thought I was smart since I used one big word (euphemism). Somehow it all boiled down to the question of \”will i ever see you again?\” They asked me whether that was a positive or negative thing. Without thinking, I said aloud \”Maybe that\’s a positive thing for me.\” Am I cruel! :D

Pictures later!

One of the things I hate the most about my job…is the physical part. That is, me opening up computer cases. Because we had to ghost (aka copy the drives), I had to open up computer cases to take the hard drives out. It\’s one of the most embarassing parts of my job because I show my incompetence. Today, I spent a long time trying to open old Dell cases. I squeezed those little hinges and still couldn\’t open it. Two years ago, a resident had the exact same case. I spent almost an hour trying to open it and eventually brought it downstairs to my coworkers. My face turned pink when they were able to open it within seconds. Sigh.

I dislike doing anything physical…like hooking up hard drives, installing ram. Software is the way to go for me. All predictable and not needing any physical force (maybe some screamage because windows doesn\’t always listen to you). I am the girl who spent 3 hours installing her own RAM and was able to open her case by dropping the computer.