I hate it when there’s a problem that I have no control over in resolving. Whether it’s intangible, dependent on other factors or simply unsolvable.

Strengthfinder 2.0 says that my top strength is my restorative abilities. That I am a problem-solver whether work-related or wholly personal.

What it doesn’t mention is my frustration and unhappiness when a problem cannot be solved.

Sometimes I know that I’ll have a creative solution to everything. I simply let my mind free and I’ll have possibilities. Rarely have I stood without some kind of answer.

And so when encountered with a problem that I cannot control, it’s the kind of thing that would make me weep because it’s not something I could fix with a swift combination of keystrokes.

I am here to spread the good news.

Jack Bauer is back.

Set the dates for Sunday, November 23, 2008.

I saw that she was wearing Chanel sunglasses and suddenly I was embarrassed by my $15 sunglasses that I impulsively purchased at a mall stand because my other cheap sunglasses broke. Rubbing my finger over the peeling rubber, I thought about buying designer sunglasses for myself.

I carry a blue purse that I got from a store in Berkeley. $20. I liked the color and many zippered pockets so Chris bought it for me. But would people notice the stitching? That it was uneven?

And then I saw someone else with a French manicure. It looked nice. Those nails with the nice tips pointing to the paper tacked to the wall. Care was taken, compared to my own hastily cut plain unbuffed nails. I wish I took advantage of the pushy salespeople at the Seacret mall kiosk.

There was a moment several years ago when my sister’s friend glanced at me—awkward, slightly unaware me. She mentioned a hair stylist, a nail salon, the designer clothing store in San Diego. At the time, I was desperate to be more than the student finishing the last year in undergrad—not knowing what the future would hold. Could the beauty treatments and the designer brands make me into the confident person with success and money? The one to be admired? Happiness?

A few weeks ago, a coworker jokingly said to me, “You’re nerdy. You’re probably the most nerdiest person I know.”

I still hate going to the salon, having someone determine who I will be. Last weekend, I had the opportunity to spend money on designer clothes and beauty treatments. Instead I bought a $35 Venetian masque, handmade in Italy. I spent nearly an hour at the table, carefully fingering the sparkling pieces and holding them to my face in front of a mirror.

“Does this look okay on me?” I asked with only lips visible under a green-blue masque with intricately carved gold.

Do I really spend more cooking than eating out? People I know rationalize that a meal is around $5 and that cooking is about the same. So why waste money and time cooking?

So yesterday I made a huge pot of chili for the rest of the week using:

Estimated total amount not including time spent and energy used (30+ minutes of gas stove): $8.05

Estimated meal servings: 5

Estimated price per serving: $1.61

Estimated price per serving with a dollop of sour cream (purchased 3 weeks ago at Delano’s Foods Berkeley Farms brand): $1.71

There’s a moment while enduring long dull pain that you decide no more. You think, This darkness isn’t for me, let’s go. Then you reach for some relief. Maybe the rope. A footing, something to grasp.

Or maybe you get used to it. You start thinking everyone has this dull, aching pain. Is that why there are tears so often in people’s eyes? The pain inside us?

Or perhaps you believe you deserved it. After all, your karma wasn’t starbright. You had the baddies following you and now is the time to serve.

In pain, I have found is the most awakening moments. At least, I stop looking down to the graveled ground. Instead, I look around wildly and in passing, I notice the deep blue sky.

For whatever reason, I loved participated in cleanups. It wasn’t just cleaning up…but I always knew that my (generous) volunteering was often rewarded with foods and gifts. I remember as a kid I would clean up Berkeley Aquatic Park annually. I always hoped to find needles, but instead I always found stinky empty plastic bags.

So of course in my altruistic spirit, I persuaded my partner in crime to participate in the California Coastal Cleanup Day. Bright and early, we headed down to a nearby reservoir where a large group was dispersed over the park.

Let’s go to the most remote area, I said!

I had a few objectives:

And I accomplished all four goals plus: leaving with 100+ mini-burrs on my pants (which I picked out individually for an hour), a sore leg from falling and sliding two feet on a dirt hill, finding not one but two dead bodies (*cough* bodies with feathers), finding a car bumper, accumulating bottles/cans all the way from the 70s until the present, 10 rusted metal rings, stinky empty plastic bags, a tire that we could not pull out of the ground, Whole Foods paraphernalia, a $25 gift certificate to a local restaurant and full stomachs.

Ok and a selfless moment.

Typically, I spend the entire weekend with my partner in crime, but this weekend, the partner was off attending to “matters of importance”.

So in effect, I did the following to keep the mind nimble, the fingers quick, the consciousness occupied, and worries sedated:

wandered in several home decor stores

We were running late. He called the guy and asked when was the latest he could come by.

“10:30 pm,” he told me when he hung up the phone. I prodded him for what he was getting. He just replied, “Wheeling and dealing.”

I assumed it was another trade for something useless for something useful. One’s man trash is another man’s treasure.

At 10:10 pm we were talking to the optometrist about Clear Optometry. He showed me his watch, tapping its face. I awkwardly made our exit and we rushed to the car.

On the way, he made a call apologizing for the delay, saying he would be there in 10 minutes. I helped him with the directions, specifying the turns and the exits. And we were there in 10 minutes. He pulled into a spot. Locked the door while I patiently waited. The neighborhood had graffiti on the walls. But it looked like to be luxury condominium type place.

The feeling almost felt similar when we went to a sketchy part of turn to get his phone unlocked where the guy had invited him inside the house. So I cowered down slightly in the car, glancing in the rearview mirrors.

I saw him standing in front of a brightly lit new-ish building. A figure stepped out and they shook hands. He got something. They seemed to exchange small talk. A small wave and that was it.

He returned, unlocking the car and tossed something into my lap.

AN ANIMAL CROSSING GIRL! PLUSH!

It’s almost how I looked like in the game!

Several years ago, someone asked me as I was sitting alone at a party whether I liked to read. Not wanting to pigeon-holed, I immediately responded, “No!”

But it did match with my character of what people knew. Yet one day I want to (or have the desire to)…

“And so she…” I would tell the story almost haltingly, but not as fluid as I could in writing. “And then she sent it off…”

People would laugh, but would they laugh out of politeness or because it was really funny? After thinking of the thousand avenues I could take, I decided to take an improv class starting tomorrow to improve my outward communication.

Strangely enough, I tested as a “PERFORMER” in a popular personality test. I do like being the center of attention, entertaining people. And it’s true, I can be with the right set of people. I do dominate sometimes with an aura.

But most of the time, in the company of strangers, I become quite the opposite—the wallflower. Even though instances, I dream of breaking out. Sometimes I do…when I feel a lot of positive energy growing in the room usually with the presence of alcohol. I may be the first one to dance. The first one to sing loudly and obnoxiously on the karaoke system. I have.

Last year during this time, I started writing my own comedy routine, wondering if I could make it to an open mic night. It veered left field out of my usual personality, but not only did I want to surprise people, I wanted to prove it to myself. I thought a lot of great jokes—but couldn’t think of the right delivery. An ex-boyfriend once said that I was one of the funniest people he knew. Other people have said that I have this mysterious aura, an allure of lyrical words…

I just hope I can vocalize it all.

I have dreamed about being a musician, a dancer, a comedian. It’s definitely not a dream job, but I want to do it once.

And so improv. Plus I want to have witty comebacks to pushy salesmen.