Almost a month ago, my roommate Jen and I headed down to the Southside Works to see a free screening of In Her Shoes. What had attracted me to the movie in the first place was not because it was a chick flick (personally, I abhor the run-of-the-mill chick flicks), but it was a movie about sisters.

Unlike many siblings I know, my sister and I have a relationship that more closer than others. We\’re only 14 months apart, pseudo-irish twins. When we were younger, people had trouble telling us apart. But as we grew up, I had the darker skin. She had a lighter skin. But like the movie, we almost had opposite personalities. I was submissive and quiet. She was the outgoing and loud one. I am still naturally more cautious, afraid to climb on rocks. Even now, I still walk down stairs very slowly. My sister is a risktaker. She was the atheletic one. In some ways, the more attractive and charismatic one. I was the smart and thoughtful one, but I lacked social skills.

In my most anxious moments, my sister would do things for me. She would ask the adult for something. A few years ago on a cruise ship, she was the one who gathered three other guys to be part of our \”gang\” for the following six days. And most of all, she would \”fix\” me. Do my makeup. Do my hair. Dress me (aka suggesting outfits). Things an older sister is supposed to do.

The thing that surprised me about other siblings was sibling rivalry. Even though my sister and I were different, we complemented each other in many ways. And as a result, I can\’t recall that many fights. I don\’t know whether it\’s because I was submissive that I let my sister take advantage of me. In our old journals, we did write many entries about how we hated each other. Yet, I can\’t remember any times we decided to draw lines between each other. Where we refused to share or had those typical sibling conflicts.

And then nowadays, my sister gives me her clothes that she doesn\’t want. I provide her with generous technical support. We both give out advice for our life struggles. And it\’s like that between siblings, we know our struggles the best. Back in May, when we were in Chicago for a wedding, I commented on my dad\’s relationships to his four siblings (him being the favorite son, the younger son). He said he wasn\’t close to any of his siblings even his twin brother and that he admired the relationship I had with my sister.

So in the movie, one sister says \”we\’re like a pair of shoes. One cannot exist without the other.\” Sort of like my sister and me. We have the same size feet after all too.

There was a silly adventure I went through a few months ago where I wrote in a friend\’s blog. I deliberately posted my most thoughtful, introspective entries. Most of which, I had written in the last 4 years. I posted entries of love, heartbreak, familial ties, daily problems. I did this every day for one month. I must have mentioned it a number of times, but it surprised me the most when readers did respond. In truth, I was playing with them, pretending to be my friend. We garnered over 300 readers at that time.

But one discovery that stuck with me is that I really do have the ability to change people through the written word. When I was 16 and still in my pen pal phase, people who received my letters often said that they were lyrical, almost like a song. I thought that was silly. But inside, my pride grew. I had always wanted to write for a living, but couldn\’t think of a way to pursue it. And so here I am, still writing into an emptiness, trapped by a desire to do great in the world but yet live comfortably.

I did quit writing in my friend\’s blog because being introspective and thoughtful took a lot of energy from me. Eventually, I did return more than 2 months later to rant, because my outlets of expression are limited by my knowledge of readership.

But to my surprise, someone left the following comment:

She had randomly left a comment on my friend\’s blog a few months back and upon exploring her blog, I found her very deep and fascinating. However, she (who we now know was Jenn) is no longer the author of this blog and I am not a big fan of the new one. I\’ve continued to read her entries for about a month now, but the interest is just gone. I want Jenn back…even tho I don\’t actually know her. So I left a comment (probably not considered nice, but please don\’t take it the wrong way, just trying to be honest) and unsubscribed. Just wanted to write it here, I guess, to repent for the guilt I feel for the comment. Guilt for possibly making someone feel bad, but not guilt for being honest.

Who knew.

After more than 7 months, I got a chance to spend quality with a 6 lb burger. Right now (despite my constant very full feeling), I can say I have never been so content, so satisfied, so happy…

More to come…

A few days ago, I finally received my new Sony headphones, bought specifically for the ipod.

What puzzles me about the ipod is how uncomfortable the included earphones are. They felt like rocks in my ears and its lack of great sound quality was disappointed. But of course, the ipod was designed for its music player quality not its accessories. I had the earphones replaced once at the Apple store (free of charge, of course) because one ear stopped working.

My new Sony headphones are fantastic. In some way, they act like earplugs blocking sound. I went jogging yesterday and heard every single breath I took. And when I ate lunch today, I could hear all my swallows. But it\’s oh so comfortable and there\’s this nifty plastic case to wrap the headphones. And best of all, Sony designed it in such a way so that my hands don\’t get caught as easily when moving my arm back to a resting position.

I like riding the bus with headphones on. As if I am saying don\’t bother me or i know what i\’m doing. It\’s a certain level of power. It\’s a method of distraction. It\’s a way of escape.

5 months ago. And a family in the midwest I barely know. An asian wedding. A pretty much sober wedding. Everybody hated dancing there, except my sister and me.

Talking to people on aim is such a different social situation. There are people you talk to for the purposes of exchanging information–your classmate where you ask directed questions such as \”what did the prof say today in lecture?\” and you \”fade\” away after a minute of talking. Then there are the friends you talk to on a regular basis–they understand your online habits as you might have an 8 hour conversation with long pauses in between, the disappearances, the bursts of true conversation. Then there are the immature ones that command your attention–you have to listen to them or they get insulted, you have to show that you\’re listening and understanding, and to disappear is a very bad faux pas, then you have to deal with them with constant away msgs.

I have the limit of people on my aim list (200). Yet, I barely talk to the majority of them. I get this sense of comfort when I sign online. I don\’t need to im everyone. It\’s the fact that I know that someone is available to talk to is a comforting thought itself. Seeing people\’s presence almost like in an ambient display is just like that. Even with \”silence\”–nobody iming you–is pleasing to me.

A few years ago, I had this ideal version of me in my mid-twenties. A happy, diligent person doing wonderful things. Most of all, I would be waking up early. A breakfast. Tea and crumpets with a morning newspaper folded on the table.

Fantasies only. I still have a bad habit of waking up late. I still have a bad habit of staying up late.

So this morning, Carol called me at 9:30 with a cheery voice asking me if I wanted to go to breakfast. I mumbled something incomprehensible. Then she asked me if I was sleeping. I said yes…and that I would want to go in one hour. She gave a disappointed ok. I felt slightly guilty as I shut my phone, but forgot it all as I slept, thinking that I would have to make breakfast for myself.

I dreamt of monsters and school nightmares for the next hour until suddenly my cellphone rang (with the 24 ringtone, of course). Carol! \”You said one hour!\” In happy anticipation, I rolled out of bed and attempted to find something to wear. I decided to wear my long skirt which had been sitting on pile of clothes at the foot of my bed. I rummaged through my drawer realizing that Ray still had yet to take his clothes out of the dryer and my wet clothes were still sitting in the washer. I made a mental note to myself to ask him about it later.

Suddenly, Carol called me again. Downstairs?! I ran downstairs still in my yellow large t-shirt and let her in. Finally in 10 minutes, I was ready to go despite having this horrible sleepy feeling in my eyes.

We went to the Bagel Factory on Murray. To my surprise, it was quite good. We ordered potato latkes and challah french toast. Somehow Carol knew exactly my taste. The potato latkes were a bit greasy. I prefer the potato pancakes at Eat \’N Park, lightly smothered with sour cream and applesauce. The challah french toast was moist, but well cooked. We stuffed ourselves, but unhappily the food ended too soon. Carol started playing with our condiments, spreading the sour cream and syrup all over the plate. I swallowed the last droplet of applesauce. Then she dropped me off at home where I rolled back to bed. Happy.

I still believe that I am an introvert by nature. When I was younger, my inability to speak (normally) prevented me from socializing that well. In home videos, you could see me being mute, shaking my head when someone spoke to me. I was happy being silent and quiet. But through middle school and high school, I felt like I was missing out. I didn\’t like not being part of the group, being an outcast.

So in undergrad, some could say I went through a major change. I made friends easily. During those 4 years, people viewed me as the hub. The Jenn portal, one person said. I knew many people. I got to know them well and always naturally bought together. Despite all of that, I still had more online friends than people in person. At work, I relished the social life. I felt like I had a place. Yet, I still kept to myself. I went home on the weekends. I spent most of my days in my room. What social life I had was talking online, eating an occasional lunch with friends, talking to people when I ran into them at Soda Hall or class, or seeing the occasional movie.

And now in graduate school, in my second year, for whatever reason, I have been labeled an extrovert. Yes, I should do away with labels. It\’s so strange that people say that I am \”extroverted\”. Is it because I am \”managing\” two projects? In particular, in one project, I make plans for the team and am the liasion with our contacts? Is it because nowadays my desire to get something done is greater than my anxiety of speaking up?

This guy wrote about how to go from introvert to extrovert. But all it reminds me is when I spent a lot of time reading Dale Carnegie\’s How to Make Friends and Influence People. I have a love-hate relationship with people. I hate how they can take away all my energy and can influence how I feel. But I love how they provide so much insight, so many things I never thought of.

I am still afraid to participate in large groups. I still get an awful awkward feeling after talking to someone new after one minute. I still get a horrible knot feeling when I have to ask a customer representative for help in a store. The idea of sending a dish back to the kitchen horrifies me. And I still have trouble asking people for directions.

For my blogging software, I have used b2 ever since I first got my own space, starting at orbiting.chargedparticle and then here at of.jennism I chose to use it because that\’s what everyone in my online social circle used and the b2 author was in that circle as well.

Yet, several years have passed and b2 has become a relic of the past. Movable press even though it\’s paid software has taken over the scene. WordPress, even though it\’s still Michel\’s (the original b2 author) creation, has become mainstream. There\’s textpattern. Most people I know don\’t even host their own websites. It\’s either blogspot, livejournal or xanga. I am behind the times.

I am reluctant to upgrade. There are problems with b2. Its security vulnerabilities. It doesn\’t do the rss right. And I can\’t blog very remotely. But still, I don\’t want to upgrade. I love the simplistic interface:

The blues. The oranges. Why change it?