It\’s just a feeling of attachment to what is good and great now. I wasn\’t ever that bitter being rejected by SIMS (UC Berkeley\’s School of Information Management Systems located in South Hall), but I started regretting not delaying grad school for a year. Just a desire to make the pressent last a little longer that made me call ATA and ask to delay my flight for a few days.

After they slapped me a possible $120 fee, reality hit me hard in the face. I already received the new masters student orientation and it looks like I\’ll be meeting a lot of people (reminder to self: don\’t be shy!) Pittsburgh will be good. It\’s not like I am arriving there without knowing anybody. I already know Marina. And I have been in touch with Belinda, a girl from my aunt\’s fellowship. Furthermore, three professors from Berkeley are transporting themselves there. Three students including me are going to be in the masters program. Not to mention, I already know a current PHD student and an incoming PHD student there. So why the nostalgia? Lafayette, my hometown, will always be the same – I will always see my parents, my sister. But Berkeley will change. It\’s a fluid town, where I spent the last 4 years trying to never regret missing an opportunity.

Ok for some: opportunities may mean meeting random phone guy in front of Fat Slice at 12 am, having a guy hit on me during my RCC office hours and inviting him to my party out of guilt, meeting all these BOYZ that I first met online, being suckered to walk to the Campanlie at 3 am, back-talking to a guy who followed my roommate home and scared her witless…

BTW, guarantee is misspelled at my friend\’s site (another Chris) freestuffcrazy.com. He wants you to click on his ads. The site reminds me of a cheaper version of my cousin\’s site dealuniversity.com

\”Is there neon light in here? Where\’s your battery pack?\” Someone said yesterday. About my very pink shirt from Hollister (a pseudo-A&F store) Right at that moment, I decided that I wouldn\’t wear that shirt ever again.

When I first wore this shirt, it was right during my first year as a RCC. The moment that my coworker saw me. He said, \”PRETTY PINK. LOOKS CUTE ON YOU.\” I was slightly embarrassed and didn\’t wear the shirt again for a long time. Not until I became vain and started taking pictures of myself. I put up one particular picture on emode.com (this was pre-tickle) because they had this social networking thing similar to friendster. I used a pseudonym and the only identifying information I put was that I was from Berkeley, CA. A few days later, I got requests from people who were interested by my profile. To my surprise (or utter shock), I received a request from Allen. (hey allen, defend yourself.) I think I wore that shirt much less after that until yesterday.

But yesterday was one of those days. One of those days that I felt like I really was going to miss Berkeley. Or maybe just working at Rescomp. Going to the movies is all about going with the right people. And having the right audience. I went to see Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle with some people from work. Note that I was the only female and that I wouldn\’t have ever gone seen it out my own will (read: I would have disliked it in any other setting). Several years ago, I had shunned movies like this…but surprisingly…with the right audience who kept yelling appropriate obscenties during the movie…it was actually fun. Ok, it was the most fun I ever had when I didn\’t have to talk to anyone beyond silent passing of popcorn and emitting parades of giggles. It was nice to finally see Asian Americans on the big screen, but that wasn\’t just the good part either. (it has the MILF guy also from BLT and some HAWT Indian dude whose voiced dripped with saliva!!)

When we left the movie, someone suggested going to In \’N Out as an attempted adventure to a pseudo-White Castle (the closest White Castle from here is in Chicago). And so there we eating our number twos and numbers threes at midnight. It\’s almost a reminder of how I most likely won\’t have many of these random excursions anymore. As people get older, priorities change. It\’s all about planning for the future. But ultimately, isn\’t it all relative? I think that was why I was so appalled a few months ago when I helped out the families at the swimming pool. Everything is the same…and so mundane. But perhaps, parents find spontaneity in their own time in their children.

(yes, there\’s a penis-shaped cookie. With some white frosting. I feel special!)

I finally received Lele\’s cookies today! My mom put them on the kitchen table and because I was in a rush (again), I just grabbed it on the way out, intending to open it up at work. But of course, she just had to tape everything securely. So I finally had a coworker just stab at it with scissors. I suppose being known for the one for having weird/strange encounters in life, people were reluctant to touch the cookies wrapped in paper so that it looked like something illegal, something poisonous, something like…anthrax. But we all know that Lele wouldn\’t do such a thing, would you?!

Despite how much I just want to be like the guys, I can\’t lift 15\” computer monitors to the highest shelf. Okay, I can\’t lift it to the second highest shelf either. I can only do the shelf that is at my waist level.

Somehow this last month has spiraled into a lack of responsibility for me. I haven\’t been on top of things as I used to be. Maybe it\’s distractions. A messed up sense of priorities. Instead of doing what I should do, I have been doing what I feel like doing. It\’s only times like this that I let my emotions guide me rather than my logic.

I am leaving for Pittsburgh in less than 10 days now. I lost the phone number to the professor that is storing my boxes. I can\’t find my sister\’s southwest rewards ticket (it was supposed to be in my boxes from Berkeley…somewhere). I haven\’t completed the stack of thank you cards I had on my desk. I never visted the graduate student instructor who has the philosophy final that I supposedly failed. And also to visit my grandmother whose computer has been having problems… So many things to do, or maybe it\’s just my perspective at the moment. It\’s not about leaving the Bay Area anymore. It\’s just…leaving Berkeley.

Today was my dad\’s first day at his new job. He seemed very uncomfortable about it. Being young, I saw the new job as a new beginning. He saw it almost like a death trap, an indication of his age. The years past. Despite getting two job offers, he chose this one for its location and \”supposed\” stability. I can\’t even imagine doing that at all. But here is one case where list of priorities are different…

Anyway, I wanted to test out my (\”stolen\”) dell speakers. So I started playing the Garden State soundtrack at full volume downstairs earlier this evening. I pointed the speakers toward my neighbors who threw a few parties that irritated my parents (yes my parents are the type of people that would have a squad car on your front lawn within 30 minutes of the noise disturbance). The speakers are good.

Even though I don\’t believe in superstitions or premonitions, I suddenly remembered a dream I had awhile ago. But a dream? On occasion, my dreams often predict the future in a weird way. The last time it happened was in my asian studies class 2 years ago. A few nights before our final essay was to be returned, I had a dream that my graduate student instructor for my section made an annoucement before handing back the essays. PLAGIARISM, she declared. And I knew she was talking about me. A few days later, it was almost the same. Except that I wasn\’t the one accused. She just generally talked about how disappointing that some students did it.

But back to the original dream. As I was driving back home, I remember I had a dream where I died at the age of 23. But then say you knew you were going to die in a year. By accident or disease? What are you going to do? Sure, it\’s a cliched question. But, CARPE DIEM? So much of my life, I have planned it out. I save money, refuse to spend. Not only because I am stingy, but because I worry that some emergency will happen in the future where I would need this money. Every day is planned out within the first hour I wake up including the alternatives to what I would do if some event is cancelled. When spontaneity does occur, it is almost like a fresh breeze. And there are some people who reschedule things or simply cancel things because they\’re tired. To recharge themselves. But what happened to being young and taking advantage of every oppotunity you get? What happened to that random trek across town because you want to see if the sticker you left on the back door of a shady Indian restaurant is still there?

\”Friend.\” It\’s one of those words that have puzzled me for the longest time. So much that I wrote one of my best college papers on it.

\”Your friend never came by to pick up the futon,\” my dad said on my voice mail. Earlier, I had called home to tell him that someone had responded to my craigslist and that if she was going to pick up the futon, she was going to call the house phone number prior to arrival. However, my first response to the message was \”SHE IS NOT A FRIEND. HOW DARE YOU USE A SACRED LABEL TO DESCRIBE SOMEONE I DON\’T EVEN KNOW.\”

At the same time, to call someone \”not a friend\” could be the most painful insult ever. Last month, someone and I concluded that we were not friends. We were just people…who once considered each other as former friends…and that now we were nothing more than strangers who pass by each other in the street. Where are the times that we can easily introduce someone as an acquaintance? We just can\’t. Someone I met for a minute and am forced to introduce to other people, I may have to refer…as a friend. It\’s one of those labels that are not truly definite. Using the word \”friend\” to describe someone is so…contrived from social pressures. It never really matches the internal state of mind. It\’s easier to say \”my friend works at google\” than to say \”i know someone who works at google\”. To some, it\’s almost a privileged type of status.

But ultimately, to be a friend means that you get invited to a wedding and you get free food (although this is also a test of whether you can think of a good wedding gift).

—

In other news, it really was scary driving home today. Personally, I prefer leaving Berkeley LATE so that there are no cars on the road. But instead I left at 9:30 pm and there were many. As I merged onto the freeway (in my brand new 2004 cactus-colored Toyota Corolla), cars began changing lanes, pulling away from a car in front of me. A white bmw. For some reason, this lane suddenly slowed down 30 mph. Usually it\’s around 50 mph in the tunnel. My first thought was that the car in front of me was having an engine problem. I grumbled, but I was reluctant to change lanes in the tunnel because I suck at driving like that. So I followed the white bmw through the tunnel. And worse of all, I noticed that it wavered in the lane, almost like it lost control of staying in its appropriate lane. Was the driver drunk? Get out of this situation as fast you can, Jenn. Two summers ago, I remember Seth saying People don\’t die easily when I was freaked out that a friend got into a car accident because he was one hour late. The bmw\’s brake lights went on once on the way out of the tunnel even though there were no obstacles around it. Bright red light spilled in the lane. Eventually, the space cleared and I drove past it as fast as I could. Just to get away.

One thing that has troubled me for the past summer is this \”missing you\” thing. With the technology so advanced, would people really miss my presence? I will always blog. I will always have free long distance on my cellphone. And most of all, I will have AIM. We\’re all so much closer than we can ever be.

I think that was the issue that I was trying to address earlier. There are a few friends in Berkeley that I only talk to on AIM. So moving cross country almost makes no difference. I could be in any city, any place and be on AIM…and the location wouldn\’t make a difference. There are some people I call often and it seems like we were never that far apart. Is the fact that I know so much about someone\’s life who lives more than 600 miles away…a reason for missing?

Sometimes they say they miss the smile. The presence, the smell (even if it\’s bad!), the gestures, the voice, but sometimes I think this is just purely psychological. At the same time, I feel like I am just trying to rationalize my parting from a place that shaped me for the last 4 years. Mostly, I wouldn\’t be who I am today if I never went to Berkeley. I wouldn\’t be able to socialize, to relate to people, to be polite if I hadn\’t gone here.

While eating my dinner, my mom asked me why I always came home so late from work. I told her that I was talking with some friends otherwise I would have come home earlier. Also I told her that the I wanted to spend time with people I would most likely not see again. (A pseudo \”I SEE YOU NEVER\”!)

To which, she responded, \”Why spend time with people you won\’t ever see again? That\’s a waste of time! Spend time with people you will see again.\”

She paused for a second and then said, \”Like your parents!\”

Parental advice sound? Or not?

I am currently WARdriving now. AKA I drove me car around the neighborhood to find an unsecured wireless network to leech off of. I am sitting awkwardly in the driver\’s seat, parked illegally in a reserved parking space. Laughing occasionally at my laptop with these random people walking past me on the sidewalk staring at me.

By the way I am still wearing my glasses. And the sun still hurts my eyes. (No sunglasses…sobby.)

It\’s also very hot. I have an appointment with a resident in 6 minutes. Most likely the wrong ethernet address was registered. I\’ll probably have to use my laptop to correct it so that they get instant gratification. My laptop is heating up. It doesn\’t like those obnoxious stares from outside.

It\’s interesting what wearing glasses for two days straight does for me. Technically, the Bay Area isn\’t as superficial as SoCal, so I didn\’t expect people to be suddenly repulsed. Rather I got blunt comments mostly from \”Since when did you wear glasses?\” or to nothing at all.

Maybe I do look better with glasses. Tomorrow I have an appointment with a doctor at 9:25 am.

Wearing glasses makes me feel incredibly sleepy. Usually, I wear them after I take my nightly shower and bedtime. Conditioning, I guess. And furthermore, I haven\’t had these lenses changed for more than 5 years. So evidently, the prescription on this is lower than my normal very-near-sighted prescription. I can\’t read the small text from far away…that I usually can.

Also today, I had to install some new hardware in two broken computers. Being uncoordinated, I promptly bumped my head on the table. And knocked my glasses nearly off my face. This is a reminder of when I liked basketball right until the ball hit me squarely on my nose and split my glasses in two. Yes, like those movies, I used gray masking tape to keep my glasses together for the rest of the school day.

Today was the first day in a long time that I have worn my glasses in public. For some reason, my left eye has been irritating me. It turned pink for no reason, scaring little kids. No I am not contagious, old ladies. I am not going to haunt your dreams, little girl. I just have…a pink eye?

But I have always avoided using my glasses for the fact that they\’re ridiculously thick. Without them, I cannot see that well. If you think you\’re very near-sighted, then I am very very near-sighted. My prescription is…900. Most people I know are around 400. There\’s only one PERSON that I know (besides my family) who has worse eyes than me.

There are times I envy the fact that some people can go to interviews wearing their glasses. But the main problem for me is that…my eyes look too deformed these thick lenses. Too bulgy. So it goes?

Finished FOTOLOG. Farewell party is now in motion. Who wants to be invited? Who can make it? Who really wants to say goodbye to me…to only see me on aim again the very next day?