…I witnessed the following. Most of which was while waiting in line for a hip and trendy breakfast restaurant, coming out of the theater after watching the Hobbit, and living in the Mission. Nothing really out of the ordinary for me.
Tragedies. Mortality. And then, the scum of this society.
I chose to live in this city, knowing that. And still after 6 years, I accept it.
What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?
In 2011, it was a moment of clarity, sincere belief and friendship. In 2010, it was an action of commitment.
In 2012, it was when I stood up for myself.
Previous to this moment, I had discovered that I often let myself fall into a whimper—a rolling ball of self-pity. I let other people bulldoze me. I let people persuade me that I could really like Chinese food and then inside, a tantrum starts and I suddenly feel irrational but I don’t know why.
I was angry at first. Because I realized that I didn’t allow myself to be angry. I rationalized the anger believing that I was at fault, I was always responsible, I was the one who made the mistake. But then I couldn’t bear it anymore. So I was angry.
Being more, my anger came in different ways. Angry tears. But every word I said, I meant it. Sure there were moments later that I regretted what I said. But a few days later, I would agree.
For better or worse, I could never blame those words on anything. Not alcohol. Not exhaustion. My deeply grounded beliefs that the words I say are meaningful even if said awkwardly and without confidence. They do reflect my beliefs.
But the moment started with an im. I saw it criticizing my style of travel and being told how I should behave.
Then the moment went on with another email. I was responding to an email where the only line that remains in my mind was “Have you gone native yet?” I felt no closure from the earlier criticism. In my email, perhaps not in the most friendly way, I pointed out the criticism and bluntly stated how hurt I was. I could not continue the email in a friendly discussion because my anger had already polluted my blood. The black cloud was steaming.
Then the moment ended with an email to a reply. I was in the hot, sweltering room in Manila. In the hotel that I regretted staying in. The ceiling was diagonal. The room was on the top. It was supposed to be Spanish colonial style, but I felt like we were in a cave with dim lights, roaring air conditioner, cold tile floors. The internet wireless was weak and unreliable. And I saw his response. A rightfully upset response. I shuddered lightly. Then I checked my body. I was sad. But the anger remained although it had calmed to an even temperature. I could feel it in my chest, the tightening in my throat and I could see the blackness streaming in and out of my body.
So I wrote a reply.
“I am sorry. Thank you.”
2012 was a year of progress. The realization that I can be who I want to be. And hey, I am still here!
There were the years 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010. In 2011, I called it a year of change.
2013. Will I defy expectations? Will I stick to them and bypass the weakness that we all have—being who others expect of us. Well at least, it will be full of ice cream.
How did you travel in 2012? How and/or where would you like to travel next year?
In 2011, I went on one international trip, one domestic…and one super local. In 2010, I went on one international trip and multiple domestic trips.
In 2012, I did the unfathomable:
In 2013, will my ice cream research bring me to Italy? Will that include Milan, Rome, Naples, Turin? Turkey? Austria? India? Certainly another trip to NYC. And a trip to LA. And a hopeful trip to Portland. And will I be impulsive to go to a conference in Toronto, Austin or elsewhere?
Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2012 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2012.
2011 5 minutes and 2010 5 minutes
When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step?
Progress. It’s hard to measure, but when I write it down, it actually does come true. In 2010, it was about dream making. In 2011, it was about sticking to my boundaries.
This coming year, I plan to stick to my dreams. I know what I want to do. I love to write. I am fascinated by people—by what they do and why they do it. I’ll stop tricking myself to do what others expect of me. Most importantly, I’ll do what I believe in and represent my true self.
To be true. That is my next step.
What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?
In 2010, I made xmas photo. In 2011, I made metaphorical things—that were intentionally symbolic of relationships and history.
This year, the last thing I made was something for my ice cream project. In whole, this year, I have made a lot of ice cream.
Because the process of ice cream making is so arduous and time-consuming, I let myself get lost in the process. It’s catharsis. The fact that I must pay attention to the heating up a cream mixture so that eggs don’t curdle (and they have curdled a lot in front fo me). Then the preparation of the focal ingredient (whether it’s tea leaves or fruit), it’s stress-relieving.
I must pay attention when I am chopping. I must attend to the level of simmering for all heated mixtures. I must constantly test (and make sure that I don’t use the same spoons over and over again.
I adjust the recipes on the fly and I have to take note on my draft blog posts that I can note it in recipes.
All of this process takes me away from the mess of my room, the every day banality and calls of help emanating from my email.
I am making. I am making happiness, joy and rewards.
Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?
In 2010, it was a person. In 2011, it was an idea.
This year, 2012, I let go of a person. Or at least a person who had become a symbol of angst, discontent and self-rejection.
Over the past year, I have made multiple attempts to let go. Whether it was courage or other, I finally let go in late November.
To my surprise, as much as it smarted early on, the pain subsided. Unlike other painful moments, this one healed very quickly.
I can only surmise that it was a wound that festered around a foreign object. Once the foreign object was removed, relief was a delight.
Ever since then, I am lighter. Previously I felt weighed down by an indescribable black cloud of indecision, dissatisfaction and dragged my feet to every decision I made, every moment I thought would yank me out of my unhappiness.
Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail.
In 2011, it was my birthday moment. In 2010, it was the success in Journey to the End fo the Night.
2012? When I look back, there were many moments that with hindsight, they were false truths. My first impulse is to choose my birthday again. The party that I deliberately organized to gather people I loved together, to celebrate a mere moment of my existence. Or was it at Barnes & Noble where I felt immediately accepted and instantly sense that my work mattered? Or was it Adam or Ian in Manila who loved my ice cream travel guide so much and invited us out to dinner and drinks with him? Or the many ice cream makers that I immediately clicked with on my journey? Or the best friends that I made in the past year that I know will persist for awhile?
Maybe not.
But the moment that vividly comes to mind is this.
The day prior, I decided that we had to do the island hopping tour. I had realized our first day in Palawan in the Philippines that the capital city offered little for tourists. The weather was uncooperative for many outdoors activities in the proximity. Additionally, the city was dull. The humidity got to me and I was jealous of all the scuba diving tours in Northern Palawan that I dismissed because I didn’t have scuba certification. I desperately wanted to be in the water. I wanted to replicate my memories in Kolanta in Thailand.
So we joined the island hopping tour.
At the second stop, a floating pier in the middle of the ocean, we were told to swim (awkwardly with our lifevests) along a rope. We did. Chris wasn’t as good as swimming as I was. I glided smoothly toward the end of the rope…near the other floating cabin. Along the way, I attempted to dive in and out to capture the sealife, knowing the GoPro could barely see through the cloudy water. I made out coral and seaweed waving hellos and goodbyes. And the occasional fish darting to and fro through the blurry colors of the sea.
Yet toward the end, I realized how desperate I was to relieve myself. As Chris finally swam over me, his orange vest bobbing in the still saltwater, I whispered my desperate need. Thoughts of eastern toilets and uncomfortable accommodations rushed through my head. I starved for clean Western toilets.
“Remember that the ocean is one big toilet,” he responded.
And so I did. Far away from our fellow travelers. And I felt so much better afterwards.
I would describe how it felt funny, how the temperature of the water around me suddenly increased (instantly!)…but I’ll just stop here.
One Word. Encapsulate the year in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2013 for you?
The one word that captures this year (from 2011 and 2010):
Rediscovery.
In response to a short lament of my own personal struggles, a friend asked me recently, “But how about stretching your boundaries?”
I calmly replied, “There’s a fine line between stretching your comfort zone and your boundaries.”
Last year, I made changes. In all aspects of life. Jobs, relationships, friendships…etc. But in it, I stretched as far I could…stepping outside of my comfort zone and boundaries. Until I felt that I wasn’t quite me anymore.
But this year, I did both. And I found my preferences and stuck to them. I know what I don’t like and what I like. I surround myself with people that are supportive and encouraging. It’s easier to live with number one fans than to live with critics.
I sought adventures more than I ever did previously in order to rediscover myself. I tried new things so that I can understand myself better. From traveling alone in Europe, pursuing my dream of writing, being a freelancer, and talking to ice cream makers (strangers!) that drove my anxiety meter up the roof.
Meeting friends of friends
Returning to places that once scared or scarred me
Accomplishing my list of 30 before 30
Learning a skill with a trusted friend
Telling my family who I want to be
Next year, I want to be more of the same. I want to finish what I started. I want to say that I am stronger, vivid, intrepid…but all with integrity. I hope that 2013 is success.