I still believe that I am an introvert by nature. When I was younger, my inability to speak (normally) prevented me from socializing that well. In home videos, you could see me being mute, shaking my head when someone spoke to me. I was happy being silent and quiet. But through middle school and high school, I felt like I was missing out. I didn\’t like not being part of the group, being an outcast.

So in undergrad, some could say I went through a major change. I made friends easily. During those 4 years, people viewed me as the hub. The Jenn portal, one person said. I knew many people. I got to know them well and always naturally bought together. Despite all of that, I still had more online friends than people in person. At work, I relished the social life. I felt like I had a place. Yet, I still kept to myself. I went home on the weekends. I spent most of my days in my room. What social life I had was talking online, eating an occasional lunch with friends, talking to people when I ran into them at Soda Hall or class, or seeing the occasional movie.

And now in graduate school, in my second year, for whatever reason, I have been labeled an extrovert. Yes, I should do away with labels. It\’s so strange that people say that I am \”extroverted\”. Is it because I am \”managing\” two projects? In particular, in one project, I make plans for the team and am the liasion with our contacts? Is it because nowadays my desire to get something done is greater than my anxiety of speaking up?

This guy wrote about how to go from introvert to extrovert. But all it reminds me is when I spent a lot of time reading Dale Carnegie\’s How to Make Friends and Influence People. I have a love-hate relationship with people. I hate how they can take away all my energy and can influence how I feel. But I love how they provide so much insight, so many things I never thought of.

I am still afraid to participate in large groups. I still get an awful awkward feeling after talking to someone new after one minute. I still get a horrible knot feeling when I have to ask a customer representative for help in a store. The idea of sending a dish back to the kitchen horrifies me. And I still have trouble asking people for directions.

For my blogging software, I have used b2 ever since I first got my own space, starting at orbiting.chargedparticle and then here at of.jennism I chose to use it because that\’s what everyone in my online social circle used and the b2 author was in that circle as well.

Yet, several years have passed and b2 has become a relic of the past. Movable press even though it\’s paid software has taken over the scene. WordPress, even though it\’s still Michel\’s (the original b2 author) creation, has become mainstream. There\’s textpattern. Most people I know don\’t even host their own websites. It\’s either blogspot, livejournal or xanga. I am behind the times.

I am reluctant to upgrade. There are problems with b2. Its security vulnerabilities. It doesn\’t do the rss right. And I can\’t blog very remotely. But still, I don\’t want to upgrade. I love the simplistic interface:

The blues. The oranges. Why change it?

If I ever do get the chance to update from b2 to wordpress. Note to self: refer to these hints. I successfully updated my sister\’s blog. But I am very dissastified with the wordpress blogging interface, because the screens have been split into two. The place where I write is separate from where I can view all my previous entries. That\’s just not cool.

Today, I had a mini droplet of mojitos. Nowadays, I want to break out of my self-imposed ban on alcohol. So when Ricardo made me a fresh glass of mojito, I willingly took it. Unfortunately, the first two sips I took…I decided that I couldn\’t take it anymore. The alcohol was actually too strong and I decided that it probably wasn\’t worth it. Then it\’s a zap back to my self-imposed restriction. Why drink if I can still have fun without it?

I can only embarrass myself once a week. So this is why I went bowling. Every week, before the bowling night (we have been going every week), I think about how much I don\’t want to go. And I then I say so. But no matter what, someone convinces me (too easily, of course) to go. I never bowl that well. Today, my best score was only a 62. I did get one strike in that game, but otherwise I filled up all my frames with gutter balls.

But then we went to Eat N\’ Park afterwards which made me happy. Food. Yummy. So bowling today, no poker tomorrow. If I make a fool of myself once, I just don\’t have the energy to do it on a consecutive day. I just can\’t.

Today, I was shocked when one of my friends described me as extroverted. She could never see me as someone who stayed inside her dorm room all the time (as I did freshman year) This came from her first impression of me when I talked to everyone during the hci orientation week to the first year students (I am a second year student). I suppose it also comes from the fact that I am project manager for the design competition group…

This is totally different from how I see myself. I am an introvert. I have always believed that I fit into the stereotype of the (bright) shy, quiet asian girl. The one who seeks to hide in the corner, suffering from social anxiety. My outward appearance doesn\’t really fit that mold anymore. Yet, I would hate giving up the introverted label.

An introvert in society is actually rarer than an extrovert. Perhaps too, I would hate giving up being like everybody else.

Next question: go home for Thanksgiving?

The plane tickets are rather high and it has never been a big tradition in my family to celebrate Thanksgiving. On that Thursday, every year what happens is that my mom makes turkey. Turkey in soup. Turkey something. The majority of my Thanksgivings if I can recall were my sister, my dad and me at home. My mom at work (overtime pay on Thanksgiving!) As a result, I have been somewhat envious when I hear of families that have traditional dinners. They often say how much they hate it and how much they don\’t want to see their relatives. Yet, I would like some of that.

So I am trying to decide whether I should stay in Pittsburgh, go somewhere else (invitations, anybody?) or go back to California (I would get a chance to see family, but then I\’ll see them again in December).

There are some people I know who wear glasses all the time, but when they wear contacts or take off their glasses, they look completely different. Some even look like…a bully.

It\’s interesting how glasses define someone\’s personality. I see glasses like a \”glass wall\”. That was the reason that I wore glasses until I was 16 before I got contacts. I felt that my glasses gave me a wall between the world and me. That I was looking through a glass and that everyone looking in…would not see the real vulnerable me. It was been more than 7 years since I got my first pair of contacts. Yet, I wouldn\’t go back. My reasons are always that my glasses are bulky (I have a very high prescription) and are too thick…that I don\’t want people to think that I am blind. At the same time though, I like having this vulnerability out there, where people can really see my eyes and see what I am thinking.

My new rule of the house: don\’t wear sunglasses indoors! How do I know if I can trust you?