“We” meaning…well you know.
It’s hours before polls close across the United States. And it’s days, possibly weeks, or even months (?) before we’ll know the full count.

Because I have a lot of privilege—an ethnicity that isn’t constantly underserved, a full-time job that gave us the space today, a foundation that allows me soooo many things—I admit that I have been holding a calm with a tinge of anxiety. But early yesterday morning, I was startled with the realization that there’s so much hinging on the election.

It’s not that I believe that things will suddenly heal right after the election or that things get worse. But it’s just that…I am just tired. I am tired of so much, trying to have an opinion, trying to be that woke person, trying to be an activist. Trying all of that while also having my own personal goals. But it’s because I have a small hope that things will go back to before. I do realize that nothing will go back to before. Everything has been stolen from us due to so many factors. Yes the pandemic. Yes the way the president responded to the pandemic. Yes all the things that I found out about my so-called friends. Yes to all of that.

It’s simply awful.

I came across a post from 2008 when I talked about my voter apathy. About how my voting was inconsistent. About how I was uninformed about positions so I didn’t vote! And how looking back, I can’t even see myself doing any of that. I must go out to vote. When I read that post to Chris, he was appalled—that sounds like one of those voters. But that’s me, I said, in 2008. The fact is, there probably is so many versions of me. Even if there are people who are voting for the president, many aren’t even voting for their local propositions or their local leaders, because there’s not information.

I am standing here in my “office” while I should be working. I am listening to the Daily Podcast. Michael Barbabao is on his live podcast talking about THE needle as some polls start to close. “Some people love the needle. Some people hate the needle.”

I have no idea what will happen next. I remember sitting in the living room at Noelle’s apartment watching media coverage completely unaware that Trump was going to win. I saw the states turning red and…I couldn’t speak…I tweeted out later “No words :(”

I hope that doesn’t happen today.

What’s the point of coordinating anything below? Why wear coordinating pants? Why wear something that looks right when you stand up? Why wear tight jeans to match with your billowy blouse?

What’s the point of the beauty standards that we all had to abide? Especially women? Why have manicured nails and toenails? Why even shave?

They always say that it’s to please ourselves, not to please others. But it never pleased me to begin with, because it’s swallowed by expectations. I don’t need to answer to anybody, but only myself.

March

April

May

June

July

August

September

During shelter-in-place, I realized that there are certain things that I am starting to appreciate (of course, recognizing my privilege) which are:

Since I was last in the office. Since technically shelter in place started for me in effect when work mandated that everyone across the company work from home.

I remember distinctly how it felt then. I was angry at the people who were congregating in small spaces. I had a cold or a flu (but not covid) and was acutely aware of how I was going to be perceived by others. I was annoyed at everyone. I was also annoyed at myself for catching something.

But I was thinking that it was going to be temporary.

In fact, that Thursday, I left around 6 pm as I noticed coworkers saying to each other, “I guess that I’ll see you next month!”

I had been pulled into some intense meetings earlier that day, missing the initial company-wide announcement. It wasn’t a choice I wanted to make. And so when I stepped out of those intense meetings, I felt like…something was different. But I gathered as much of my personal things as possible and went home.

And then it was wfh then.

And then things got bigger. There were moments of light. Then it became dark again.

I settled in a routine. Happy with things. But then filled with a certain kind of existential dread. What does this means for my future? What does this mean for the plans that now won’t pan out? What does this mean for everyone I know? What does this mean for the people I hope to know? What does mean?

In some way, most of my goals in life can now be accomplished digitally. I have done almost many things that required to be in person whether it’s travel or being public. But what about all the opportunities that could have been there?

Sadly, it’s not like the apocalypse in books. Society though…hasn’t crumbled. Society is still hanging by a thread. But is this the beginning of the end? Stories always jump to the good part. The aftermath and how people deal. But what happens during? What happens as we all suffer together? What happens as society crumbles very slowly. A crumb after another. When we finally look up, we notice that it is an avalanche that has fallen and society is not what we remembered.

Previous years: 2019, 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, forgotten year in 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008, a forgotten year of 2007, 2006, 2005, 2004, 2003, 2002

Only because I realize that I haven’t written here since January. And in a separate post, I’ll update with literally everything.

This birthday is going to be so different from my previous years! Interestingly, I would never say that 2020 was a bad year. That’s only in mindset. I would only say that…it was different. Maybe difficult in some ways. Maybe easy in other ways.

1. That a vaccine or some drug arrives swiftly to save this world from Covid-19
2. That the country and the world can actually get along well enough to coordinate and collaborate
3. That the president gets out of the way soon—hopefully a personal decision, but I can only hope the most for the better outcome of the election
4. A “wedding” of some kind that still brings in people that I would want around
5. Finding the best friends
6. Reduction of things in the household
7. Lots of peaches or nectarines!
8. Novel query actually gets out
9. Which means a (good) revision of novel complete
10. Short story accepted and published

Okay, first Previously. I cheated and gave 25 words to a packed year in 2014.

2010
EVERYTHING is fun and good. Alternate reality games, puzzles, and more! We win the Street Food scavenger hunt after multiple crazy videos. Also, travel.

2011
Quit job and start a job in house! Visit Peru, kickstarting an brewing identity crisis involving relationships, location, and everything.

2012
Identity crisis morphs into traveling around the world involving ice cream, writing a book, kickstarter. Visit Argentina, Uruguay, Taiwan, Philippines.

2013
So. Much. Traveling. USA. Canada. Turkey. Italy. Broken promises. Begin to hate airplanes. An AWA writing workshop changes my life.

2014
Identity crisis resolves. Sell crazy ideas. Join a real writing group. On-a-boat writing workshop. Find an ending in Vermont. Discover healthcare. First Nanowrimo since 2003.

2015
Goal is to finish the book. Healthcare calls me. A project inspires my first talk. Visit Brazil. Finish the book.

2016
Publish ICTG. Give two BIG talks. Love winter. Get job that should change my life. 45 gets elected. Rethink job.

2017
Quit job. Say that I need to save the country. Join a wellness company. Visit Thailand/Myanmar. Give another talk.

2018
Change jobs. Again. Speak in Chicago. Side trip to NYC for a concert. Don’t find myself at wypipo writing workshops

2019
Visit Japan in the winter. Work at one job. Never work on my novel. Multiple accidents. Accept me as me.

2019 was the year of getting what I wanted. Sort of. It feels like I am getting closer. But I wonder if it’s about accepting a big part of who I am. Now let’s go through it!

There were the years 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018.

I hope that 2020 will be more of the same—more of getting my goals, especially in writing.

Continue reading →

Just like the one that I did in the last decade, here’s a list!

Obviously, as I observed, the big NEWS events across the world didn’t quite directly impact me. But unlike the last decade, when they happened, I did take stock and make decisions that I wouldn’t have without them.

10. Joining a writing group
This was a long time in making because I had failed in making my own. Not once, but twice. Not that I wasn’t committed, but I couldn’t find fellow committed writers. Also at that time, I wasn’t quite a good group leader. After so many stumbles, I finally found one and stuck with them for five years until I quit earlier this year. The writing group held me accountable in reviewing work regularly and invited me to question what good writing is. I learned that it was subjective—which irked me, but I appreciated how my fellow writers supported each other. It was every week on Wednesday at 6 pm. I went to nearly every single meeting no matter how tired I was. But toward the end, I told myself that I needed something else for my writing journey. Five years changed my life and my writing got better because of it.

Continue reading →