\”I might never have liked you. Point in fact I despise you. But that doesn\’t suggest I don\’t respect you.\”

That simple line from a movie summarizes everything I have often felt with those I keep at an arm\’s length.

It\’s an insulting thing to be categorized as a bookworm. Just because I attended UC Berkeley doesn\’t mean that I love to read books. Just because I am not into partying doesn\’t mean that I like to spend my time reading. Just because I tend to be an introvert in certain social situations doesn\’t mean reading is the joy of my life.

In January, I had become disinterested in the conversation about gaming that Tanner and my friend were having. I had stopped saying much because I didn\’t know that much about gaming. Observing my silence, Tanner tried to get me into the conversation, \”Jenn\’s love is her books.\”

I was shocked. I never told Tanner anything about anything about books. He had assumed that since I always stuck to being cultured…he believed that my \”gaming\” was reading books. It reminded me of last year at this party where someone saw that I looked out of place. She had gestured to the group of people oogling over celebrities\’ pictures in a magazine and concluded that I liked \”sitting and reading.\”

With the $20 barnes and noble gift card Tanner had sent me (which had sat in my desk for months with an intention to return it to him), I eventually went to the local bn to buy photo corners…and a book. The entire irony is that I devoured the book. A book by Oliver Sacks. Yet, I hate being stereotyped into a mousey glasses-wearing booklover. I just want to be everyone else.

Somehow I can\’t ever be straight serious. In my high school yearbook, I wrote that my future occupation would be \”a drummer in LA\” when it was obvious that I was heading into something more academic. And I just looked at my rescomp bio I am the only one that came up with something whimsical for my 5 year plan.

My time at Rescomp (the organization at UC Berkeley that provides tech support aned manages the internet connection in the dorms) is almost ending. When I first moved into the dorms during my freshman year, I was intrigued by the entire thing. I didn\’t know what an ethernet cord was. At that time, I got my first Windows machine and thought I had to dial into something for broadband. I was an expert in my Macintosh Performa (I memorized the entire manual), yet…I wasn\’t elite enough. A RCC came into my room because I couldn\’t figure out how to use the ethernet cord. When he made me crawl under my desk, I wanted to be better than him…I applied to be an intern and got it. I applied to be a RCC but was put on alternate status. The following year, I applied again and finally got the position.

But now that I am leaving (with all this experience) will i miss Rescomp as a whole? I was one of the few females in there, but that wasn\’t the reason that I sometimes felt out of place. This was one of the few places in college I entered without a friend or someone coming along with me. I went in it all by myself, for my own reasons. It was never about the money, but the desire to be better than the rest. There are some rescommies that were so devout, their life revolved around rescomp, their friends were from rescomp. To outsiders, it may have seemed like a rescult. But I never really got into the vibe. I avoided the parties. I rescinded most invitations to social outings. And yet, the last 2 years have been so fulfilling. Will I miss working at a place where everyone is my age or 1-2 years younger/older? A place where I can talk about my stories and people can immediately relate? I have about 2.5 months left…and we\’ll see.

Yesterday I complained outloud about the stresses that my parents were putting on me–issues about me moving to the East Coast and all these appointments I need to make. Both of my parents constantly remind me to do this and that.

My dad was washing the dishes while I had ranted all this. \”Let me show you some real anxiety,\” he said.

He walked over to the table and picked up the remote, turning on the TV. The TV was on the spelling bee in Washington DC. At that moment, a boy of 12 years old was trying to spell a word. He asked the annoucer for the word of origin then a question about the roots. My dad pointed at the TV, \”Now that is anxiety.\”

And finally pictures! The Vienna Teng concert! On Tuesday, I had arranged with my supervisor to leave at 5, but I felt guilty for leaving right in a middle of a job so instead I left Berkeley at 5:45 pm. As a result, I was stuck in heavy traffic going south on 880 toward San Jose. Not to mention, I was driving the NEW CAR. Despite having the great (standard) sound system entertaining me, I was anxious about driving. Afraid of scratches, et. al I also got lost on the way to Mae\’s house and Montomgery Theatre. Somehow, we still got there on time and was squeezed into the side. The concert was sponsored by some Christian organization. All proceeds benefited their mission to Tijuana. The concert itself was great. Vienna talked about every single song, what it meant to her and why she wrote it.

There are times I wonder why I am so defensive. I lack the quality of politeness (occasionally). In that sense, I am bull-headed and self-centered. I always want to be right. Yet, I always maintain my own integrity. Is this why I attract attention of older people when I was 13? Because I never stopped fighting, because I just couldn\’t, because I always wanted the last word, thinking that I was consistently better than them. Why am I so easily swayed by the comment, \”I want to see you again because you\’re interesting.\” And is that why, I have incidents like yesterday and like last summer? How did yesterday\’s dinner ever succumb to the question of \”is it more shallow to go to a school because of its name or to go to a school because of its football team?\” But at least, they answered the \”do you watch porn\” question! :D

Last summer, I said I liked to do things that started with the letter M (as well as meet guys from states that start with the letter M). They couldn\’t guess and I laughed. I eventually said mind games and manipulation. But it\’s a whole year since I said that. Another chapter of my life is brewing and perhaps there\’s something else waiting for me.

Despite never having a set schedule, I love the way this summer is turning out. I am spending time with people of all sorts and meeting people that I normally would not have met. Yet it seems as if my parents are somewhat weary about my own in-and-out. I don\’t know if I\’ll be home for dinner until 3 hours before. Sometimes I don\’t even know when I\’ll leave until midnight the day before and I don\’t know if I\’ll be done.

But still.

Yesterday I went to see Vienna Teng at the Montgomery Theatre in San Jose. Went to see it with Mae. It was extraordinarily good. I even saw echeng (a RBJer) there playing his viola. Then later, I stood outside Mae\’s house talking with her…for a good 30 minutes the dark.

Today, I drove all the way to San Francisco since Karen\’s best friend Brenda was visiting from Hong Kong. After today\’s experience, I doubt that I will choose to drive to SF again. It drove me crazy how there were one way streets everywhere and no right turns here and there. Even worse, I didn\’t always know where I was going and got lost a few times. :D Fortunately Karen\’s other friend Shong got a map. We hit up all the tourist attractions (yes we had an EARTHQUAKE!) Later on, we went to Japan Town to this weird Japanese \”bbq\” restaurant that was way too expensive. And there I was forced to sit with two guys…who were friends of Karen\’s roommate. But I found myself in the same position as I was last summer at a SF bar. A play…a toy. They thought I was smart since I used one big word (euphemism). Somehow it all boiled down to the question of \”will i ever see you again?\” They asked me whether that was a positive or negative thing. Without thinking, I said aloud \”Maybe that\’s a positive thing for me.\” Am I cruel! :D

Pictures later!

One of the things I hate the most about my job…is the physical part. That is, me opening up computer cases. Because we had to ghost (aka copy the drives), I had to open up computer cases to take the hard drives out. It\’s one of the most embarassing parts of my job because I show my incompetence. Today, I spent a long time trying to open old Dell cases. I squeezed those little hinges and still couldn\’t open it. Two years ago, a resident had the exact same case. I spent almost an hour trying to open it and eventually brought it downstairs to my coworkers. My face turned pink when they were able to open it within seconds. Sigh.

I dislike doing anything physical…like hooking up hard drives, installing ram. Software is the way to go for me. All predictable and not needing any physical force (maybe some screamage because windows doesn\’t always listen to you). I am the girl who spent 3 hours installing her own RAM and was able to open her case by dropping the computer.

It\’s funny how I was able to \”rewrite\” memories of things. Today, I was supposed to go work at Foothill CC to set up the center, but Pat didn\’t call me until 9 pm. So I spent the entire time with Karen, Thomas and Linda. Surprisingly, the spontaneity worked for me. And best of all, I rewrote those memories of Tanner.

We went to Emeryville to watch a movie (Kill Bill Vol 2 – perhaps rewriting the memory of seeing the movie with Seth) and also have ice cream at coldstone. We also ate at pasta pomodoro (rewriting the formal checkin with James) where we shared all the pasta plates. This is a redo of the day spent with Tanner at Bay Street. Where we had watched Monster and had ice cream at coldstone. This time there were no tears. There was only laughter and an incident of Thomas running away, only to discover that he found an…archway. There was no heath bar crunch mixed with sweet cream, but cheesecake fantasy. And a young African American man who seemed on drugs because his hands kept shaking like he had parkinson\’s. There was no easy parking, but a parking space that i squeezed the acura legend in…probably almost scratching the car. There was no nervous is-this-right feeling, but it was only that comfortable feeling that I enjoyed spending time with people. No social anxiety…just myself.

On the way to lunch with the TC staff, we saw a sight that can only be seen in Berkeley. How I shall miss thee!

It looked like a homeless man strapped with a monitor on his back. I had the unfortunate luck of having a camera and being persauded by the staff to take a picture. I was the one who took the above picture–I felt a bit bad for gawking and especially taking a picture, but it was WEIRD! But the questions arose: how did he get the monitor on his back? did he have someone tie it to him? did he lie flat on the ground and through the magic of yoga was able to tie the monitor on himself? if he\’s homeless, why would he need a monitor? did he find the monitor on the curbside (a possibility since a lot of people moved out at the end of the semester). was transporting a monitor by bike on his back his last resort?

Yesterday I went to buy an internal PCI modem for my computer (since there is no such thing as broadband back at my parents\’ house–my poor desktop doesn\’t want to go three months without the Internet.) At OfficeMax as I was walking toward the hardware section, an employee perked up and asked, \”Do you need any help?\”

Normally in my socially anxious mode, I would have mumbled \”no thanks, i am just looking\” and sulked away. But instead, I felt a bit self-righteous and asked where the internal pci modems were. The guy strolled out in front of me leading me to an aisle of hardware cards. He looked at the rack for a bit and pointed, \”There…and there.\”

I thanked him and he left. I stared at the boxes, trying to find that modem card. Anger rose in my throat. He had pointed to a wireless ethernet pci card. what does he think I am, an illiterate computer user? I walked around the aisle for 5 more minutes, thinking that some employee would come over and ask whether I needed any help. I wanted to fume. Did I not say MODEM? Perhaps, the guy thought I was illiterate and assumed I was talking about LAN cards. Then I started wondering what would happen if an illiterate female computer user did come and ask for a modem…and got directed to a wireless card. Would she blindly purchase it and then for the next few months (if she was even able to install it) try to figure out why it wasn\’t working? I recalled memories of residents who told me their computer wasn\’t connecting to the internet and it turned out they had a phone cord jammed into their ethernet port.

I searched the aisle again and found the modem cards in the corner. It wasn\’t free after rebate, so I walked out of the store.