Well not really.

There was a time in my life where I would plan to go to an activity. I would go there…realize that it was full of people who I didn’t know…and I would walk out. Or going to a context…something that I had never done in my life…and frantically flee.

Knowing my limits nowadays, I drag someone along (e.g. Chris) to counter my anxiety or…primarily, I act as if nobody will notice that I am not there.

Today, I did pilates. A class that I had never done. In a room of people who I did not know. At a place that I had never visited. And an instructor who I never had learned from. But I sucked it up. It was horrible of course, not knowing if I fit in or not. But after awhile, I was ok.

Other examples: visiting outdoors stores having no idea what outdoors really means, going to lululemon and being asked how I worked out (not sure how I was supposed to answer)…

I suppose this is the reason that people don’t join new clubs on their own unless they know someone. Fearless is an admirable trait, but it’s something that keeps society from falling into chaos.

I am not sure how I started to enjoy it.

The math. My mom always said that I struggled at first, but they kept encouraging me and believing in me (unlike the typical tiger mom). Then one day, I understood math really well. Advanced placement classes were in my future all throughout middle school and high school.

In college, some would say that I loved drama. But looking back, it wasn’t the drama. It was the problem-solving. Figuring out people, figuring out the potential consequences and needed actions. It was fascinating.

As I calmed down over the years, I realized that I am innately a planner. A problem-solver. As long as it didn’t rely on anybody.

A cabin in Tahoe for 8 people? Done.

Internet is broken? Fixed.

Lights out? I know someone. Done.

Don’t want to pay full price? Done.

Everything is fixable. But then there are things like this—finding the right roommate, finding the significant other, finding the right job. Those are such intangible things. It’s so dependent on someone else…and perhaps in my own problem-solving, that’s the people that makes me so anxious.

I can’t control people. I can’t control others. I can only wait.

What do I do with two weeks of me time? Things that I couldn’t do while working on the Peninsula, of course!

That would include:

Oddly enough, this didn’t occur to me when I was unemployed for several months during the great recession. Hmmm…

“You are always unafraid of trying something…completely new.” she said.

I was surprised for a moment, quietly evaluating what she was trying to say. It was one of my many closing moments for what will be my next phase of work.

“It’s a strength,” she concluded.

I mumbled something incoherent, and later I was somewhat angry at myself for not just simply accepting the compliment.

But to think about it, the last two big changes in life weren’t by my choice. In some way, I was forced into it. Looking back, I probably wouldn’t change it. Change is good. If I hadn’t done A, then I most likely would have never done B.

At some point before the current change, I suddenly panicked. I was sort of comfortable where I was even though I didn’t absolutely love it. It was just comfortable and familiar. Because of that, it was easy. Was I doing the right thing?

There are some people who I know who get caught in that web. There is little that compels them to move forward—perhaps due to their sphere of influence built up over the years, their upbringing that unbreakable walls can be overcome by years of chipping away at it, or…just familiarity.

I wonder how it’s like to be a lifer.

A few weeks ago, a friend asked me as I was getting on the train, “I just don’t see why anyone would leave a good job.”

I had a good answer.

Last Wednesday, I saw it. It was in my email inbox finally. I had been waiting for it…searching for it…for awhile.

And it was there.

But what do I do? Etiquette? Do I schedule a meeting? Do I say something?

I simmered for awhile with a friend…and eventually I got up. Some people would say that those things come with the longest walk that never ended. But to me, the walk was too short. I found myself in the office sooner than I thought. I was already saying words before I was ready. And then suddenly it was over.

Wait, what just happened?

It’s a very rare thing to find me at the movie theater watching a chick flick—or better known as a rom-com. It’s always someone’s else decision—a girly friend, perhaps one of my few female friends. She says, Hey let’s hang out…let’s catch a movie.

And suddenly I find myself surrounded by not one, not two…but many many girls in a theater hoping that the two will finally get together. Meet cute! Just kiss her already! Make up and forgive!

There was a movie that I went to see in Pittsburgh—I don’t even remember the name, but I remember trying not to say anything afterwards, because I knew that she really really enjoyed it…and she wanted to have a girls’ night. And the other time which was all fine and dandy where I went to see Sex and the City (THE MOVIE) with my book club and fortunately we were civil enough to not discuss a single word afterwards.

And tonight, it was No Strings Attached. Looking back, I realized that the trailer really gave all the good parts away. It wasn’t the Meet Cute stuff that I was interested in any more. It was the moment after the “YES I WILL BE WITH YOU”. It’s the discovery of each other, the resolution of conflicts, the personal growth, change…that’s what I am interested in. Can that fit in a 2 hour movie and…is that a movie worth seeing?

In some way, now that I know how “meet cute” usually works…it’s repetitive. I want to know how other people work things out. How do they work out the moments where they disagree at the core? That’s what I am going to figure out.

December 31 – Core Story What central story is at the core of you, and how do you share it with the world?

There’s this story.

People are always surprised to find that I had nearly no friends growing up—I express my extroversion easily…the need to socialize…although underneath it all, I am always seeking to be accepted. And that’s the greatest weakness of mine.

Friend is a strange word to me. Nowadays, it has morphed. A Facebook friend. A friend on Foursquare, Yelp. Sure there are the followers on Quora and Twitter, but the word has been so diluted.

Who do I trust? Who do I trust to understand me? And what’s more, who is the person that I will always so willingly go as far as I will go for that person? And who will tell me…in the right way…that I am wrong? And when I am battling my own mental enemies, they are not there to shoot them down, but to conquer them with me? Here lies the meaning of a friend.

December 30 – Gift

Prompt: Gift. This month, gifts and gift-giving can seem inescapable. What’s the most memorable gift, tangible or emotional, you received this year?

To know when to move on. I can be stuck on the past, not looking forward. But in the past year, I have found silver linings in what many people may think is negative. My loss of my digital camera. etc. It has allowed me to always move on.

December 29 – Defining Moment

Describe a defining moment or series of events that has affected your life this year.

It was the moment that I realized that I had reached it. Where the career and other things were right there.

One memorable example was when I visited my aunt’s family (not my blood-related side) for the first time since I was 13.

Maybe it was politeness, but it felt…odd to be…so admired. They oohed and ahhed over my fierce independence in travel…and decisionmaking. My choice to live in the city of San Francisco, even though it’s barely half an hour (without traffic) from my parents’ home. And a career…about making things.

They say Asian families are incredibly competitive, comparing their children constantly with other families’ children. I never felt that way with my parents, because they didn’t find it necessary. Although not truly a defining moment…I felt bad as my cousin was compared to me.

December 28 – Achieve

What’s the thing you most want to achieve next year? How do you imagine you’ll feel when you get it? Free? Happy? Complete? Blissful? Write that feeling down. Then, brainstorm 10 things you can do, or 10 new thoughts you can think, in order to experience that feeling today.

I want to not live in purgatory.

Career, people that I can trust, activities that I can rely on, a single place of living, sleep more, organize better, check up on health, invest for the future and near-term, and realize what doesn’t work for me.