I am socially anxious. And yet, I constantly put myself in situations that forces me to overcome it.

In my mind, I have this great image of me walking into a room full of people I don’t know and waltzing from person to person. Making witty small talk. Then I would continue some banter where I would meet interesting people. It would suddenly turn into a night of laughter and fun.

Some would call that having at least two alcoholic drinks. I call it simply my aspirational dream.

In reality, I walk into a room. I may be smiling, walking in hopefully for yet another chance not to embarrass myself. But then it sets in. I really don’t know anyone here. So I casually walk to the bar, put myself behind some people and look like I am busy waiting in line. When in fact, I have no intention of getting a drink. Maybe I’ll make small talk with someone next to me—how are the drinks, isn’t that dress gorgeous? Maybe it will continue for a few minutes, but then usually it usually drops off into boredom. Perhaps turning away and happily going with a friend who finally arrived. Then I would stand there alone, fancily dressed in a skirt and trendy top…with my designer flats.

Then maybe I’ll ask for water…and corral myself against the wall, trying to figure out where I could make my entrance. I look for people who are slightly standing apart—maybe the kind where I could walk into an opening. I would try once or twice, but if severely disappointed by the results, I would back up…and plot my departure from the venue.

I would talk to the other guys standing alone—the ones that look really awkward. But I know that two awkward people make awkward conversation, but I’ll try anyway and the conversation will continue tirelessly. And I start asking myself why am I the only female standing alone? Why was I the only female who decided to attend the event alone?

I will pretend to study the menu and laugh silently as I watch other people laugh together.

Then maybe I’ll walk out and forget the entire experience. And when I see that there’s a great event happening downtown, I’ll go. Because I don’t like being left out.

Okay, shower time, we would say almost synchronously over im. Then we would depart to our respective showers in our respective apartments in our respective cities.

Tonight, after he returned from a long delay, he said, “I fell asleep in the bathtub.”

Or I will mark “No” if I cannot make it. Or mark “Maybe” if there’s a definite chance that I can attend.

But if I have a so-so event conflict or indecision about the host…I stay…indecisive and mark nothing at all. Regardless of it all, I will always state something of the event. Because when asked a question, I have this innate urgency to respond.

Stupidly, I often attend any event I am invited to…because I can’t say no.

Oddly enough, Chris is the opposite. He likes to tell mark yes, no, maybe at the very last minute. Because not only does it add excitement, but if he marks it at the last minute, his name will pop up as the first name in the list.

There’s a funny moment that occurs when someone says, “I have met someone.”

Or the moment that occurs when a friend brings someone to an event without any prior notice and you are introduced. He or she doesn’t say “This is my friend [insert name].” It’s just “This is [insert name].”

You give a double take. As you step away, you silently draw your breath. Is that who she is—? Is that…? You don’t think the girl with blonde hair is his type? Or that the guy who rides a motorcycle with tats?

Recently, someone said recently, “It’s not the same anymore…you’re no longer just one.”

For years, I scoffed at couples. Especially the kind that would disappear and forget that friends ever existed. I vowed I wouldn’t be one of them. Invite me out to something? Of course! Girls night out? Yes, of course. Clubs, bars, whatever? Yes, of course (that is if I am not in my “I feel too old” phase). Let a male friend crash at my apartment? Yes, as long as the guy did not push the wrong buttons. Go out on a week night? Sure, why not. Free on the weekend? Usually.

But no, to be one of those people. Suddenly lumped with the it’s not the same. I haven’t disappeared off the face of the earth. If you catch me in the right social media—my blog, my twitter, my facebook—I am still there.

Still though, there’s something different when I RSVP for a party. I have always been a wallflower, but now with no hesitation, I put down 2.

Because surely, he will make me meet new people when usually I hover around the snack table, eating the cookies and candy in anxiety.

Boy #1 puts down an empty cup on the ground in the middle of the pathway in the park.
Me: What are you doing?
Boy #1: Don’t worry. Someone is going to come along to pick it up. It’s their job.

On the road in a car. Biker is in front of us.
Boy #2 scoffs
Boy #2: What is that guy doing?! He is acting like a car and he is not a car! There should be a law that all bikes not be cars.

Ever since my sister started her last and final optometry rotation in the VA in Las Vegas, I said, “I WILL VISIT YOU!”

Except that…I have a tendency to have rose-colored glasses on. I have been to Vegas at least 10 different times. All those times were with my parents. Visiting the casinos as a kid because my parents were really good deal sniffers. Playing in original theme park at MGM grand in the nineties. Playing in Circus Circus. Eating the cheap buffets. Watching cabaret shows (at the time, these were the cheapest). Going to the Rising Stars comedy club when I didn’t understand how comedy shows work and falling asleep during the show, but being afraid that I’ll be called out.

Why do people visit? The food. The clubs. The debauchery. The ample gambling. The shows. The buffets. The penny slots. The high stakes tables. The luxury. The beautiful people. The feeling of another world.

Staying off the strip at my sister’s place…it’s almost none of those that appeal to me. Not yet anyway…

There’s a funny thing that happens when you discover that someone you respected and admires has an opposing view to one of your firm core beliefs.

Maybe it’s political. Maybe it’s about society. Maybe it’s about same-sex marriage, maybe it’s about choice of lifestyle, maybe it’s taste of music (or lack thereof), maybe it’s perspectives on race…

Whatever the case, you suddenly feel this derision slide down your throat. It burns. It claws at you.

But you didn’t want this feeling. You didn’t want to suddenly lump this person into the group that you will…oh defiantly…oppose! You don’t want this person to be part of the crowd that you won’t stop to yell at! The crowd that you would throw rocks and stones if you could…the kind you would deface!!! Because they are wrong!! You will fight them to the death!!!!

No, you don’t. And you swallow. A deep breath. You will choose ignore this discovery and continue life as it was. But perhaps you will never know how that person feels about you and you settle back, thinking as you were.

After a hot weekend, frustrating events with biking, dealing with controversial opinions…

I had some Jack Bauer. True Jack Bauer in his original form. One full hour (including commercials).

And I suddenly I felt content again.