Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

In 2010, it was a person. In 2011, it was an idea. In 2012, it was a symbol represented by a person. In 2013, I let go fear. In 2014, I let go of humility (or the desire to appear humble). In 2015, I let go of perfection. In 2016, I let go of expectations. In 2017, I let go of things and people I don’t need. In 2018, I let go of constant discovery. In 2019, I let go of expectations. In 2020, I let go of uncomfortable pants. In 2021, I let go of rejection. In 2022, I let go about feeling bad about rejection. 2023, I let go about being upset when others are upset. In 2024, I let go of not planning.

This year, because of all the things last year, I let go of feeling ashamed for asking help. To be okay with saying, “Yes, I need help.” And accept it.

The cancer treatments had begun in earnest in January. And I had spent the previous month of last December thinking so much about what I need. Keeping in mind that people want to help. Even the ones who were obnoxiously self-centered when they found out about my diagnosis (sometimes it was too much to include them). So I created ways to help, defining the specific ways. But the primary most visible one was the mealtrain. Throughout it, I didn’t realize how much it helped me. To just let people feed me. I had always been so self-sufficient in feeding myself once I graduated high school, although I didn’t know how to cook healthily so many years. I eventually found joy in cooking. And to have someone else decide for me. For us, made a difference. A friend noted, sometimes, it’s not just for you, it’s for Chris too.

And I was worried about what chemo and radiation would mean. I heard about the exhaustion. I heard about nausea. I heard about weakness. What if? What if?

But feeling nourished in the many ways helped so much.

So when Chris was seriously injured in the assault, it was yet another blow. And a friend offered a mealtrain. I didn’t do a whole survey this time. I felt guilty. But it helped so much. Especially when I went abroad. When meals are just a little thing to do. Everyone just wanted to find a time to bring food, the thing that they enjoyed every day. It’s not a big deal, some would say, just will make a little more for dinner.

I am so grateful for all of it. For the generosity. And it all started with accepting the gift.

Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing and can you eliminate it?

In 2010, I said everything. In 2015, I said fear. In 2016, I said that it’s sitting down and doing it.
In 2017, I said that it was work. In 2018, I said that it was lack of support. In 2019, it really was the lack of accountability. In 2020, I said that it was about losing my creative space to WFH, but it really was about setting time for it. In 2021, I said that it was work. In 2022, I said that it was the way I used my free time. In 2023, I said that it was frugality. In 2024, I said that it was distraction.

So as my coworker likes to say…to be honest, what’s up with this each day. There’s no such thing! Although if I really have to think about it, it’s about creating the space. Like actual comfortable space. The irony is that I am literally at Writing Club. A space I found through a writer that I met (at Litquake!), but I am realizing that it might not work for me. It’s like full…of guys. Which I don’t mind. Usually. But there’s something about the writing that is done here…it’s just writing? Like technical writing? It’s writing about self-promotion? I am mostly interested in actual creative writing in telling stories and the like. So I can’t help but be antagonistic and bristle at everything I don’t like. I can tell that some people who are just writing for the sake of writing. But I want to…be a creative writer.

In some ways, sure, I probably can reframe this. Any writing is worthwhile. But obviously, I am snobby. I don’t like that kind of writing. Because I also do it for work. I mean, clear out the judgement? Would that help my writing?

The thing that I can say about each day…is just about creating the space. There are many choices that I can make throughout the day. Is it going to be cooking or baking? Is it going to be watching TV? Is it going to be reading? Or just writing? And what is writing? What can writing be? And maybe the intentions are just enough.

One Word. Encapsulate the year in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2024 for you?

From years past: 2024, 2023, 2022, 2021, 2020, 2019, 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011 and 2010

Last year, I had hoped this year would be Change. And it was, kind of? But not exactly. I thought that with everything that had happened last year and then this year, I would grow as they always say in face of adversity. But surprisingly, just the way that I did it…just the way that we did it, the better word that captures my surprise that we could live the life that we generally wanted to live, the way that we asked for help, and the way that we connected with people in a deeper way than before…is I guess authenticity.

I tell the truth, maybe in a Debbie Downer way. I have met people who for some reason think that I am wise. But I have said that I don’t know anything, I just have so many opinions and I don’t want to apologize for any of it. Although of course sometimes, I am tempted to correct others and rant about all the things that might be wrong. Because I can’t stand to hear any misconceptions or misinformation.

For next year: maybe it will be more of that and the word would be something that I always have truly valued: Integrity.

How did you travel in 2024? How and/or where would you like to travel next year?

In 2024, I went to many places because of the national park pass and many road trips, particularly to LA. In 2023, I stayed within the state due to limited to PTO and then made it to Utah for national parks! In 2022, I made up for all the lack of traveling by going to the Netherlands, Ohio, Portland in less than 2 months plus a stop in Arizona. In 2021, the second year of the pandemic, we stayed locally although did jet to Hawaii. In 2020, in the first year of the pandemic, I stayed local and only went to a few overnight destinations within a few hours of a drive—one before the pandemic (so it doesn’t count) and down to Central California. In 2019, I made a big trip to Japan and many domestic trips to Phoenix, Portland, and New York. In 2018, I traveled very domestically, mostly local for retreats in Ukiah, Scotts Valley, and Big Sur. Then San Diego for a work thing. And a trip to Squaw Valley. And a crazy long adventure through Chicago and New York. In 2017, I traveled to Minnesota for work, LA twice for “fun”, Las Vegas for a not-so-good fun, and Thailand/Myanmar! Also somehow forgot to mention Cincinnati for MidwestUX! And did I forgot to mention Phoenix? In 2016, I traveled to Finland/Sweden for my first big speaking gig, Portland for a “bachelorette” party, road trip to LA for my sister’s wedding, and Minnesota for work. In 2015, I went to Brazil for a conference, multiple work trips, and a midwest trip. In 2014, I went on multiple weekend trips, increased business trips, and found a destination for ice cream and writing. In 2013, I finished off the bulk of the travel for the Ice Cream Travel Guide. In 2012, I started the journey of a life and went to what I thought was unfathomable (in my life) — six domestic destinations and eight international destinations — for professional and personal reasons. In 2011, I went on one international trip, one domestic…and one super local. In 2010, I went on one international trip and multiple domestic trips.

In 2025, I went to more places than expected because active cancer treatment was not as extended as expected and as they say to survivors, don’t stop living. So I did so much more than expected

• One day to Point Reyes!
• Tahoe for a very last minute ski trip
• About four times to LA including AWP (which I had hoped for last year) and by the last trip, I actually figured out how to feel normal in LA
• AND! Wholly unexpected…Italy, specifically th Dolomites for a cancer survivor retreat

Next year? I don’t know! I know that there’s at least several trips to LA. And! I got into a writers residency so I’ll be off the coast of Seattle very soon. I hope to get into a conference in Chicago, but TBD. But also, I’ll have many credit card points that I need to spend. And more importantly, I have this $100 credit on Southwest that needs to be spent by January. So…will need to think of a place to go!

I recounted the most impactful entertainment pieces for me in 2014. Then I did it again for 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, 2020, 2021, 2022, and 2023, 2024

Movies I Saw

This year, I don’t even think that I made it to the theater that much

• Weapons
• Sinners
• No Other Land
• The Substance
• KPop Demon Hunters

TV Shows I Watched

• The Rehearsal
• Dying for Sex
• The Pitt
• Task
• The Studio

Books I Read

• Sky Daddy
• The Body Papers
• Ghost Forest
• Between Two Kings: A Memoir of a Life Interuppted
• Human Acts

Ways to Pass the Time

• Thinking of the next reel to create by scrolling Instagram
• Wondering how I am going to write the piece about cancer
• Cooking based on one ingredient that I have too much of
• Making sure that I am connecting with people
• Worrying about Chris

Technology

• Finch
• Deciding between Gemini or ChatGPT…or should it be Claude or something else?
• Airalo still beats getting a physical sim when traveling
• Partiful which isn’t really new technology, but just the feeling works
• Zoox even though I haven’t even gotten off the waitlist, but I see it everywhere

Experiencing something together is significant. As is having shared experience. But what happens when that witnessing disappears? Like it never happened. It’s like you only remember and it only exists in your memory. All alone.

I felt guilty when it came time to share our one word of the day. I couldn’t lie about the words that came into mind. And in previous days, I would try to think of another word that could match everyone else. I wanted to say something that reflected my desire to connect and mindfulness, but it wasn’t me. More than anything, I knew that I had to be authentic and say what it was on mind, without worrying about what others think even if what I say may offend or feel disruptive.

So I said checkboxes because the idea that I would check off a list of tasks completely appealed to me. And I don’t know if it manifested itself into my day. But I did exactly that.

Ever since I had thought very carefully about behavior design when I designed and worked on health and wellness apps, I learned that I was someone who was an Upholder, from Gretchen Rubin’s The Four Tendencies. I was someone who would nearly achieve every single goal, often even if we didn’t really want to. We hold ourselves accountable to others and ourselves. But our biggest conflict—did we really want to do the thing that we set ourselves to do?

I had started using this new goal tracking app with Chris—a fun bird-based one with tons of animations and little digital currency. And the idea of checking off a goal on it appealed to me and just checking it off was so so so exciting.

But the whole point of why I started writing is simply so that I can brag about what I did. Partly I am writing this list to remind myself about what happens when I decide to make tasks and also what happens when Chris is busy and occupied (he was volunteering at the White Elephant Sale):

• Write 1000 words obviously as part of #1000wordsofsummer
• Research a few prompts from my past notebooks and the Write Now! book for the future days, setting up topics about how I will finally write about THE cancer
• Vacuum as much as I could, mostly the rugs in the bedrooms and underneath a bed. I rediscovered the God Box and I think that I had created it as a result of The Artist’s Way, but I can’t remember what it was for
• Cleaned and scrubbed the toilet
• Made a chicken Vietnamese salad from the boneless meat from the Costco rotisserie chicken, jalapeno, mint and basil from the farmer’s market
• Trimmed dead leaves from various plants
• Do the daily PT of those triceps kickbacks, planks, superwoman, scaption???, child’s pose, door hinge, openbook
• Put away socks
• Remove the comforter duvet and tried to scrub out stains
• Actually take my daily vitamins and refill the pill box
• Get cash from Chase
• Buy bananas, peaches, and cucumber

Only the second. Not a big deal in the scheme of things. Although technically, it has been a year.
From sudden death, cancer diagnoses, miscarriages, and all the variety that life brings, I have excuses. But principles! I mean technically what I would have wished for was for a year to be better. To have no side effects. To live the life that I completely deserve to life. To wish all my loved ones the best and to conquer life challenges. And also for this administration to get weakened. Obviously.

Way before the diagnosis…and way before everything happened, I wanted to attend AWP, because it was in LA! I was looking at my credit card points and planning and planning about how we could stay downtown, how great it would be to be there. But then of course, life happened.

When the nurse at the clinic asked me if I had upcoming trips planned, I replied that I didn’t. But that I wanted to go to LA for a conference at the end of March—though I hadn’t purchased registration yet or bought any details. She took my information and entered it into my record and that was that. As the treatments progressed, I was quite certain that end of March wouldn’t work out for me. Chemo, radiation, I would feel sick or tired. But then I decided that maybe I could just do the offsites—the readings, the parties so that I wouldn’t have FOMO.

And then suddenly in early February, I learned that active treatment was done. Of course there was medication that would be a struggle. But I was done done done!

So I decided to go. Even though I hadn’t worked on my novel for months. Even though I hadn’t submitted anything to anything for months. Because what’s worse—feeling healthy and active from afar seeing all the joy and all the people I could have seen…or being here and reveling in the joy?

A friend who saw my announcement noted, “You have so much energy! You look so good!”

Am I? I didn’t think that I was any less than before. Or that I was anything but. I was just so happy to see people I hadn’t seen for awhile—especially those who I met online five years ago when the world closed. My writing life has grown in ways that I didn’t expect and I am just so so grateful for it.

What can I say about this year? I would like to say that it started off strong. Here was the ways that we were succeeding. Here were all the things that I was doing to help Chris feel better? What about the outdoors? What about the creativity (or maybe the writing was for me)? What about connecting with friends? I did all the things and somehow things started happening at the end of the year that disrupted all of it. Even though all of it could have happened at any point.

There’s the cliche that when it rains, it pours. So it had to pour so heavily all at once. But then I read all the stories of other people where people go double/triple/quad whammy all at once. Maybe a parent death, maybe a child death, maybe cancer, maybe a job loss, maybe a murder. Maybe all of that above. But it’s all life right.

As they say, you can only make a choice to react to the cards that you’re dealt. What are you going to do about it now? The choices are limitless.

At the same time, I have found the most solace in not thinking about it, like a certain kind of avoidance even though I am marching toward the inevitable. So it goes.

And I guess these things all were going to happen as I get older. Will I need to stop these reflection posts? I can’t. I can’t stop. I am just afraid of information disappearing. They should exist and persist forever.

There were the years 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, 2020, 2021, 2022, 2023.

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