Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2024 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2024.

2023 5 minutes, 2022 5 minutes, 2021 5 minutes, 2020 5 minutes, 2019 5 minutes, 2018 5 minutes, 2017 5 minutes, 2016 5 minutes, 2015 5 minutes, 2014 5 minutes, 2013 5 minutes, 2012 5 minutes, 2011 5 minutes, and 2010 5 minutes

Well what a year. You would think for most people that 2020 was that year, but 2024 was quite something else.

• When I was at lunch at the Ruby and saw the text from Chris that his mom passed away
• The call right in the middle of the meeting when I got the diagnosis
• The exhaustion I felt at Chiricahua National Monument when I started hallucinating buildings and cars, because I just wanted to get the nine miles done
• Running up to to the Chiricahua National Monuments visitor center to show that I hiked more than 5 miles just to get the pin!
• Going on the ranger hike at the Saguaro National Park and finding out that we’re the youngest (and we’re not that old) and found the 3 miles super easy compared to all the seniors who found it very difficult
• Sitting in the exam room with my parents and Chris
• Calling my parents and my sister after the diagnosis
• Walking into Chris’ mom’s house aka his childhood home while biohazard was cleaning up
• Seeing Chris’ childhood bedroom for the first time upending all the imagined visions of it before
• Climbing Mt. Storm King and seeing the birds land on Chris’ fingers, but not mine!
• Going on that (boring?) mine tour in Arizona
• Doing the night ghost tour in Bisbee but getting…bored?
• Catching a Hawlucha on Pokemon Go!
• Reading at APAture, despite it being a 13 minute piece
• Reading at Lit Night
• Writing up my odyssey document
• Telling my manager about an impending medical leave
• Getting pulled over on our way to Second Beach but getting just a warning because maybe it was Chris’ birthday?
• Attending Litfest at Lighthouse where Chris cooked breakfast for everyone!
• Walking around Rocky Mountain National Park hikes, getting admonished for coming late, and running into Chris’ coworkers
• Attending Reyes the Pen in Point Reyes and learning about all the animals!

What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?

In 2010, I made xmas photo. In 2011, I made metaphorical thingsthat were intentionally symbolic of relationships and history. In 2012, I made ice cream. In 2013, I made design. In 2014, I made “my room”. In 2015, I made the last line of Ice Cream Travel Guide, literally. In 2016, I made my annual holiday video. In 2017, I made another annual holiday video. In 2018, I made scones (from the Tartine cookbook)! In 2019, I made another holiday video! In 2020, I made some minor things (a chapter and writing prompts), but of course the biggest thing was the annual holiday video! In 2021, it was of course annual holiday video, which was built on little videos that I had made throughout the year. In 2022, it was again the holiday video. In 2023, it was the the holiday video though it was a hard year.

This year? Well, sure the holiday video, but I completed that earlier for the Thanksgiving event. Really, what I made was the annual holiday card and for a select few, a full FAQ and details about my diagnosis. The former was challenging because although most of the year was great, the last few months for some would have been incredibly tough. How could we write an annual holiday card that celebrated the good as most people do? I definitely couldn’t hide it. It wasn’t good and there were many things that we (Chris and me) felt guilty, shameful, punished, and fearful of.

But for me, the FAQ document I wrote. I agonized about it for weeks despite having it drafted and finalized it rather quickly. Who should I send it to? Will I regret being so transparent and open about my diagnosis? Will I offend people? Am I setting boundaries so strict that people will be afraid to talk to me? Or will the document become useless because some people do not read (this has happened already). What was I missing? Will people get the point?

Am I making such a big deal about nothing? What if I have to do this again in a few years? Can I make it a big deal again? I am just…I wish that I could stay in the state of now—no treatments, no loss, no grief. I wish that I can stay healthy forever. I wish that I don’t have to be weak. I have too many things to do.

But I wrote it and I sent it out. I have at least only received praise for being so open. But maybe those who were offended just didn’t want to see it. They have a choice anyway. I had done a lot of homework previously to check with people if I came off too negative. But so it is. So it is.

I’ll see. I’ll see what will happen and hoping for the best soon.

Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

In 2010, it was a person. In 2011, it was an idea. In 2012, it was a symbol represented by a person. In 2013, I let go fear. In 2014, I let go of humility (or the desire to appear humble). In 2015, I let go of perfection. In 2016, I let go of expectations. In 2017, I let go of things and people I don’t need. In 2018, I let go of constant discovery. In 2019, I let go of expectations. In 2020, I let go of uncomfortable pants. In 2021, I let go of rejection. In 2022, I let go about feeling bad about rejection. 2023, I let go about being upset when others are upset.

Well, what can I say? I am still the same person, the same body, and same mind as I was at the beginning of this year and right now. But next year, I will be completely different. So what am I actually letting go?

Although I have prepared for the last few years, by the end of this year, I had to let go of the fact that I could not sensibly know what would happen in the next week, the next month, the next year. In the ideal world, everything would be the same. In the worst case scenario, it wouldn’t. And it would be fine. I had to let go of control. And when I didn’t have control, especially faced with uncertainty, I would spiral in the worst way possible. There’s death and health that makes this all the more plausible. Or the hope for the future.

In August, I thought that would be planning for a trip in September. Another hiking trip. I thought about all the things and was slowly gathering everything that we would need. And then suddenly it wasn’t. Then a few months later, I thought that we would be going to LA regularly to take care of his mom’s estate and then I discovered a serious illness that disrupted everything. Everything that I thought would happen couldn’t happen or maybe it could, but I wouldn’t know. It was devastating, but also freeing. Because sometimes to my surprise, I was available and sometimes I was thankfully unavailable. Even if I had control and certainty, the outcome was sometimes even generally the same.

Is this what not planning looks like?

Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing and can you eliminate it?

In 2010, I said everything. In 2015, I said fear. In 2016, I said that it’s sitting down and doing it.
In 2017, I said that it was work. In 2018, I said that it was lack of support. In 2019, it really was the lack of accountability. In 2020, I said that it was about losing my creative space to WFH, but it really was about setting time for it. In 2021, I said that it was work. In 2022, I said that it was the way I used my free time. In 2023, I said that it was frugality.

This year, in the before, it might have simply been distraction. The everyday life thing. But then the after, it was purely the kind of distraction that gets super deep into your bones, the kind that seeps into your mind and grows and grows and you can’t put words to it clearly because you’re unable to sit down because there are life events literally taking up your time and you need to attend to them emotionally and write down the thoughts but if you do, it just comes out like mush, but you don’t ever like to delete and edit things when they’re raw so you have all of this mush sitting in the computer and you’re just feeling really awkward about it so you don’t but then suddenly after talking to therapy and maybe using the resilience skills that you have surprisingly built all your life you’re feeling better and your mind is filled up with ideas so you read and read and then the words come out and you worry that you can’t get the thoughts out soon enough and you’re already at the end of the year writing this post and you think you think maybe I’ll write more but just not now.

One Word. Encapsulate the year in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2024 for you?

From years past: 2023, 2022, 2021, 2020, 2019, 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011 and 2010

So last year, I had hoped this year would be about movement. And maybe it could have been, especially with all the national parks and hikes that I did. The whole thing about really actually getting active in the physical sense.

But the last few months have suggested something else completely different.

So how can I choose any word except this: Grief

Because of different ways that life has created loss. Has caused a rupture in people, body, and a sense of the world. Quite naturally, everyone wants to look for the positive, but when things are holding you down, how can you? I am often jealous of the young person that I was of how I could have the space and time to dream big. But at this point, it’s like days are numbered.

And yet, of course, I can completely reframe this into something else. And it’s easy for me to do because I have been trained, skilled, practiced a lot of reframing. But the loss is still there. Maybe, I could say that next year will be change. I mean, technically, this isn’t the first time I had a significant life change that created such a rupture for myself. But this one, I can only hope that others, life, and forces beyond my control can fix the rupture.

How did you travel in 2024? How and/or where would you like to travel next year?

In 2023, I stayed within the state due to limited to PTO and then made it to Utah for national parks! In 2022, I made up for all the lack of traveling by going to the Netherlands, Ohio, Portland in less than 2 months plus a stop in Arizona. In 2021, the second year of the pandemic, we stayed locally although did jet to Hawaii. In 2020, in the first year of the pandemic, I stayed local and only went to a few overnight destinations within a few hours of a drive—one before the pandemic (so it doesn’t count) and down to Central California. In 2019, I made a big trip to Japan and many domestic trips to Phoenix, Portland, and New York. In 2018, I traveled very domestically, mostly local for retreats in Ukiah, Scotts Valley, and Big Sur. Then San Diego for a work thing. And a trip to Squaw Valley. And a crazy long adventure through Chicago and New York. In 2017, I traveled to Minnesota for work, LA twice for “fun”, Las Vegas for a not-so-good fun, and Thailand/Myanmar! Also somehow forgot to mention Cincinnati for MidwestUX! And did I forgot to mention Phoenix? In 2016, I traveled to Finland/Sweden for my first big speaking gig, Portland for a “bachelorette” party, road trip to LA for my sister’s wedding, and Minnesota for work. In 2015, I went to Brazil for a conference, multiple work trips, and a midwest trip. In 2014, I went on multiple weekend trips, increased business trips, and found a destination for ice cream and writing. In 2013, I finished off the bulk of the travel for the Ice Cream Travel Guide. In 2012, I started the journey of a life and went to what I thought was unfathomable (in my life) — six domestic destinations and eight international destinations — for professional and personal reasons. In 2011, I went on one international trip, one domestic…and one super local. In 2010, I went on one international trip and multiple domestic trips.

In 2024, due to the national park pass and helping Chris with mental health and some unexpected things, we went to:

• Point Reyes for a three day workshop and parks!
• Tahoe for a ski trip
• Arizona to visit my sister and Jakobe! Then also to Tucson to Saguaro National Park, Chiricahua National Monument, Bisbee, and a few nearby attractions
• Colorado for Litfest since I got into an advanced weeklong writing workshop at Lighthouse and Rocky Mountain National Park
• LA several times to take care of Chris’ mom’s estate :(
• Washington State to visit friends, Olympic National Park, and Mt. Rainier

Next year? I got the devastating news of a health diagnosis plus the estate in LA requires a lot of work. So I am not sure what travel things will be happening. I had planned to be in LA for a writing conference, Washington DC for a work conference, and possibly Portugal for a writing conference. But everything is now on pause. At the very least, I know there will be at least one trip to LA. And maybe I can make it to Washington DC? But I am not even sure!

I recounted the most impactful entertainment pieces for me in 2014. Then I did it again for 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, 2020, 2021, 2022, and 2023

Movies I Saw

This year, maybe I lost interest? Like was it worth it? So it was somewhat limited, but still good

• Anatomy of a Fall
• The Zone of Interest
• Challengers
• Deadpool & Wolverine
• The Fall Guy

TV Shows I Watched

• Penguin
• Industry
• American Sports Story: Aaron Hernandez
• True Detective: Night Country
• The Sympathizer

Books I Read

• Rejection
• Real Americans
• Victim
• There’s No Such Thing as an Easy Job
• The Story Game

Ways to Pass the Time

• Being anxious, which means so much…googling and reading through forums
• Wordling
• Planning for the future
• Scrolling through Instagram reels
• Worrying about Chris

Technology

• Back to Bluesky or Threads?
• Because of work, I am intrigued with the ways that people use technology to collaborate and communicate and how they hack together the tools they have to make it work in often inefficient ways
• Substack
• Notion (especially the templates!)
• Letterboxd

In his childhood room the day before the memorial, I found a heart-shaped notepaper that fell. It read, “My dear Chris, Mom miss you & love you. Be a good boy! Love, Mom 9/24/1991”

I met her only once for the first and last time. I can go into all the things she said to him after she met me and all the decisions that were made. But there’s little point to re-litigating what has happened and what could have been.

After I got over the initial traumatic experience during the first few weeks, I slowly started to sense all the love in the house. She created this place for him. For better or worse, she created tight boundaries to ensure as she stated in letters and the will, “a place for his good education.” You could also say that her criticism and high expectations were because she had such high hopes. It’s not disappointment, it’s just hope as stated just like in Joy Luck Club.

At the memorial service, I tried to make myself minimal, because it wasn’t my place. I didn’t know her. But she never knew how long we were together. She never knew that we were married. She didn’t even know what our hopes and dreams were. It could have been a fraught relationship just like many in laws are. I could have been more of a disappointment. I could have endured so many other things. But she is his mother. The one who made him who he is. And that’s the most that I could have wanted.

Like every extremely online person, I come across a social media post, especially from someone I don’t know and it made me think. Is it really my depleting estrogen that is leading me expressing more strict boundaries? Where I have no anxiety in expressing my boundaries. It’s their problem if they don’t like it.

I’ll respect you, but I don’t have to like it.

When I started college, I decided to completely reinvent myself. More than anything, I wanted friends so I decided to make myself more compatible for friendships. Or at least relatable. But along with this, I found myself walking the fine line of my personal principles. And of course, that spells trouble for me since I believed in being who I am while not having others infringe on my beliefs. It caused a lot of strife when I was younger leading to bitter breakups—romantic partners, friendships, or a disruption even with strangers.

With therapy/counseling, I learned that it was that I was allowing people to cross my boundaries. Although aside from victim-blaming, I didn’t build up a skill of expressing my boundaries. Until it was too late.

I am more expressive about what I want and need. Especially setting expectations. Maybe too transparently so—sometimes backfiring in my face. But didn’t I win? I stood up for myself. At least every day, I tell myself—it’s never worth it, it’s never worth it.

If they leave, it’s okay because I said what I said. It’s true. And it may be worse if I let things happen.

Previous years: 2023, 2022, 2021, 2020, 2019, 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, forgotten year in 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008, a forgotten year of 2007, 2006, 2005, 2004, 2003, 2002

What does it mean that I only update my blog for these annual rituals? But I suppose that I can’t help it. I really can’t move away from the things that I set for myself.

I also come to an age where I wonder if it’s okay to celebrate? But why not? Nobody says that I can’t. It’s my day and sometimes it seems like it matters more when we’re younger. But when we’re older, the many times we have done our birthdays, it becomes a blur. But I believe that it’s best to wish and hope.

1. That Chris finds his way out of the messiness
2. Fruit salad everyday!
3. Security and comfort in friendships
4. Finding ways to sleep well in uncomfortable environments (aka too warm or too noisy)
5. That I find someone in the industry to believe in my novel aka an agent or editor
6. Publish a short story or essay (though tbh I haven’t submitted any!
7. Clothes that make me younger—though irritated that IG has made me feel like I am dressing old
8. A poem that I can actually submit!