What can I say about this year? I would like to say that it started off strong. Here was the ways that we were succeeding. Here were all the things that I was doing to help Chris feel better? What about the outdoors? What about the creativity (or maybe the writing was for me)? What about connecting with friends? I did all the things and somehow things started happening at the end of the year that disrupted all of it. Even though all of it could have happened at any point.

There’s the cliche that when it rains, it pours. So it had to pour so heavily all at once. But then I read all the stories of other people where people go double/triple/quad whammy all at once. Maybe a parent death, maybe a child death, maybe cancer, maybe a job loss, maybe a murder. Maybe all of that above. But it’s all life right.

As they say, you can only make a choice to react to the cards that you’re dealt. What are you going to do about it now? The choices are limitless.

At the same time, I have found the most solace in not thinking about it, like a certain kind of avoidance even though I am marching toward the inevitable. So it goes.

And I guess these things all were going to happen as I get older. Will I need to stop these reflection posts? I can’t. I can’t stop. I am just afraid of information disappearing. They should exist and persist forever.

There were the years 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, 2020, 2021, 2022, 2023.

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What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?

In 2023, it was when I figured out what Chris needed. In 2022, it was it was the moment that all my hopes for the year started happening. In 2021, it was all the small moments that validates that I’ll be fine even if it was a tiered rejection letter. In 2020, it was when a product leader called attention to the quality of my work. In 2019, it was when I left my job and when Chris comforted me that we are ok. In 2018, it was realizing my own qualities. In 2017, it was giving advice in hopes of inspiring others. In 2016, it was the moment that when immersed in the election aftermath that anything could change. In 2015, it was the moment when I realized that I could finish Ice Cream Travel Guide. In 2014, it was when I wrote a well-crafted piece (that I read to a live audience 11 months later). In 2013, it was when light shone in the face of despair. In 2012, it was when I stood up for myself. In 2011, it was a moment of clarity, sincere belief and friendship. In 2010, it was an action of commitment.

It’s interesting that last year that I figured out that what helped Chris feel much more grounded was the outdoors, especially when there was no cellular reception. So we did a lot of that. More national parks, more state parks, more regional parks. We did hiking. And there was even some moments, more than I would have liked, where he went camping and hiking without me.

But that wasn’t enough for the year. Bad things happened in a way that was worse than the previous years. Maybe the previous years didn’t have that tender line of mortality. Or even more so, if it did, it didn’t really change my life so fundamentally. But this time, it did even though the deathlike experiences were expected. Family history. Everyone dies.

I was devastated as anybody would be after a diagnosis. But who knows, my resilience skills kicked in and I was fine for a week. Then I went to a support group and for some reason, seeing people in treatment devastated me and I worried and worried and spiraled and spiraled. Then I talked to a therapist, then I was okay. Then maybe a week or two later, I talked to a genetic counselor about my options which caused me to spiral for a whole hour so much that I got sick. Or at least my body didn’t feel good for a day. But then the resilience skills kicked in again.

What made it okay the entire time was that I was surrounded by friends and family. Maybe more than anything my greatest fear is not to be forgotten. So when I felt the love, even though I know had completely manufactured it in some ways (I mean, doing an email blast with some dark messages can only invite a certain kind of response) and it helped. Maybe it meant that my books will be finished (and published!). Maybe it meant that people will remember me. Maybe I could be satisfied with all the things that I have done in my life. Maybe I could be just fine.

I read something today in a reddit forum—you did the best you could do with the information you had at the time. I really did. You could say that I had all the knowledge of how to live well so that I could reduce my risk of anything. You could say that I made a choice in my relationship, my career, my lifestyle. Maybe it wouldn’t have mattered at all if I had made a different choice. A certain kind of predestination. It’s unfair I guess. But at least, there’s nothing I could have done. And maybe to me, that’s a sense of feeling okay with it. I am blameless.

When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step?

In 2010, it was about dream making. In 2011, it was about sticking to my boundaries. In 2012, it was about being true. In 2013, it was about embracing fear. In 2014, it was sitting my butt down and writing. In 2016, it was about leading. In 2017, it was about persistence. In 2018, it was about seeing the big picture. In 2019, it was about moving on (on my own terms). In 2020, it was about valuing the things (and people) I love. In 2021, it was about deciding the next thing. In 2022, it was about execution. In , it was about building the life that I want.

Well literally, it’s surgery to excise those terrible cells. Or as I have described it, clearing out the insurrectionists. It’s annoying that I just have to do all of this to kick them out. To tell them that they don’t belong.

In all the ways that I have written about this…I have to be completely literal this time. It’s not about metaphorically getting malignancy out. It’s not just wishing them out in my mind, meditating and believing that they can shrink, evolve, back to normal. It’s literally excising them so that they are no longer in the body.

In a different world, I could say that it’s a mental block that I want to cut out myself. But I am jealous of that, because there are no consequences. There’s no long-term damage or risk.

But I hope by doing this, by submitting my whole body for this exorcism that it means that my life will be open. But I didn’t even know that they were there. I didn’t even know that they had anything to do with anything. So wishing the best for myself. For this next step will come in less than a week now.

Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2024 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2024.

2023 5 minutes, 2022 5 minutes, 2021 5 minutes, 2020 5 minutes, 2019 5 minutes, 2018 5 minutes, 2017 5 minutes, 2016 5 minutes, 2015 5 minutes, 2014 5 minutes, 2013 5 minutes, 2012 5 minutes, 2011 5 minutes, and 2010 5 minutes

Well what a year. You would think for most people that 2020 was that year, but 2024 was quite something else.

• When I was at lunch at the Ruby and saw the text from Chris that his mom passed away
• The call right in the middle of the meeting when I got the diagnosis
• The exhaustion I felt at Chiricahua National Monument when I started hallucinating buildings and cars, because I just wanted to get the nine miles done
• Running up to to the Chiricahua National Monuments visitor center to show that I hiked more than 5 miles just to get the pin!
• Going on the ranger hike at the Saguaro National Park and finding out that we’re the youngest (and we’re not that old) and found the 3 miles super easy compared to all the seniors who found it very difficult
• Sitting in the exam room with my parents and Chris
• Calling my parents and my sister after the diagnosis
• Walking into Chris’ mom’s house aka his childhood home while biohazard was cleaning up
• Seeing Chris’ childhood bedroom for the first time upending all the imagined visions of it before
• Climbing Mt. Storm King and seeing the birds land on Chris’ fingers, but not mine!
• Going on that (boring?) mine tour in Arizona
• Doing the night ghost tour in Bisbee but getting…bored?
• Catching a Hawlucha on Pokemon Go!
• Reading at APAture, despite it being a 13 minute piece
• Reading at Lit Night
• Writing up my odyssey document
• Telling my manager about an impending medical leave
• Getting pulled over on our way to Second Beach but getting just a warning because maybe it was Chris’ birthday?
• Attending Litfest at Lighthouse where Chris cooked breakfast for everyone!
• Walking around Rocky Mountain National Park hikes, getting admonished for coming late, and running into Chris’ coworkers
• Attending Reyes the Pen in Point Reyes and learning about all the animals!

What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?

In 2010, I made xmas photo. In 2011, I made metaphorical thingsthat were intentionally symbolic of relationships and history. In 2012, I made ice cream. In 2013, I made design. In 2014, I made “my room”. In 2015, I made the last line of Ice Cream Travel Guide, literally. In 2016, I made my annual holiday video. In 2017, I made another annual holiday video. In 2018, I made scones (from the Tartine cookbook)! In 2019, I made another holiday video! In 2020, I made some minor things (a chapter and writing prompts), but of course the biggest thing was the annual holiday video! In 2021, it was of course annual holiday video, which was built on little videos that I had made throughout the year. In 2022, it was again the holiday video. In 2023, it was the the holiday video though it was a hard year.

This year? Well, sure the holiday video, but I completed that earlier for the Thanksgiving event. Really, what I made was the annual holiday card and for a select few, a full FAQ and details about my diagnosis. The former was challenging because although most of the year was great, the last few months for some would have been incredibly tough. How could we write an annual holiday card that celebrated the good as most people do? I definitely couldn’t hide it. It wasn’t good and there were many things that we (Chris and me) felt guilty, shameful, punished, and fearful of.

But for me, the FAQ document I wrote. I agonized about it for weeks despite having it drafted and finalized it rather quickly. Who should I send it to? Will I regret being so transparent and open about my diagnosis? Will I offend people? Am I setting boundaries so strict that people will be afraid to talk to me? Or will the document become useless because some people do not read (this has happened already). What was I missing? Will people get the point?

Am I making such a big deal about nothing? What if I have to do this again in a few years? Can I make it a big deal again? I am just…I wish that I could stay in the state of now—no treatments, no loss, no grief. I wish that I can stay healthy forever. I wish that I don’t have to be weak. I have too many things to do.

But I wrote it and I sent it out. I have at least only received praise for being so open. But maybe those who were offended just didn’t want to see it. They have a choice anyway. I had done a lot of homework previously to check with people if I came off too negative. But so it is. So it is.

I’ll see. I’ll see what will happen and hoping for the best soon.

Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

In 2010, it was a person. In 2011, it was an idea. In 2012, it was a symbol represented by a person. In 2013, I let go fear. In 2014, I let go of humility (or the desire to appear humble). In 2015, I let go of perfection. In 2016, I let go of expectations. In 2017, I let go of things and people I don’t need. In 2018, I let go of constant discovery. In 2019, I let go of expectations. In 2020, I let go of uncomfortable pants. In 2021, I let go of rejection. In 2022, I let go about feeling bad about rejection. 2023, I let go about being upset when others are upset.

Well, what can I say? I am still the same person, the same body, and same mind as I was at the beginning of this year and right now. But next year, I will be completely different. So what am I actually letting go?

Although I have prepared for the last few years, by the end of this year, I had to let go of the fact that I could not sensibly know what would happen in the next week, the next month, the next year. In the ideal world, everything would be the same. In the worst case scenario, it wouldn’t. And it would be fine. I had to let go of control. And when I didn’t have control, especially faced with uncertainty, I would spiral in the worst way possible. There’s death and health that makes this all the more plausible. Or the hope for the future.

In August, I thought that would be planning for a trip in September. Another hiking trip. I thought about all the things and was slowly gathering everything that we would need. And then suddenly it wasn’t. Then a few months later, I thought that we would be going to LA regularly to take care of his mom’s estate and then I discovered a serious illness that disrupted everything. Everything that I thought would happen couldn’t happen or maybe it could, but I wouldn’t know. It was devastating, but also freeing. Because sometimes to my surprise, I was available and sometimes I was thankfully unavailable. Even if I had control and certainty, the outcome was sometimes even generally the same.

Is this what not planning looks like?

Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing and can you eliminate it?

In 2010, I said everything. In 2015, I said fear. In 2016, I said that it’s sitting down and doing it.
In 2017, I said that it was work. In 2018, I said that it was lack of support. In 2019, it really was the lack of accountability. In 2020, I said that it was about losing my creative space to WFH, but it really was about setting time for it. In 2021, I said that it was work. In 2022, I said that it was the way I used my free time. In 2023, I said that it was frugality.

This year, in the before, it might have simply been distraction. The everyday life thing. But then the after, it was purely the kind of distraction that gets super deep into your bones, the kind that seeps into your mind and grows and grows and you can’t put words to it clearly because you’re unable to sit down because there are life events literally taking up your time and you need to attend to them emotionally and write down the thoughts but if you do, it just comes out like mush, but you don’t ever like to delete and edit things when they’re raw so you have all of this mush sitting in the computer and you’re just feeling really awkward about it so you don’t but then suddenly after talking to therapy and maybe using the resilience skills that you have surprisingly built all your life you’re feeling better and your mind is filled up with ideas so you read and read and then the words come out and you worry that you can’t get the thoughts out soon enough and you’re already at the end of the year writing this post and you think you think maybe I’ll write more but just not now.

One Word. Encapsulate the year in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2024 for you?

From years past: 2023, 2022, 2021, 2020, 2019, 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011 and 2010

So last year, I had hoped this year would be about movement. And maybe it could have been, especially with all the national parks and hikes that I did. The whole thing about really actually getting active in the physical sense.

But the last few months have suggested something else completely different.

So how can I choose any word except this: Grief

Because of different ways that life has created loss. Has caused a rupture in people, body, and a sense of the world. Quite naturally, everyone wants to look for the positive, but when things are holding you down, how can you? I am often jealous of the young person that I was of how I could have the space and time to dream big. But at this point, it’s like days are numbered.

And yet, of course, I can completely reframe this into something else. And it’s easy for me to do because I have been trained, skilled, practiced a lot of reframing. But the loss is still there. Maybe, I could say that next year will be change. I mean, technically, this isn’t the first time I had a significant life change that created such a rupture for myself. But this one, I can only hope that others, life, and forces beyond my control can fix the rupture.

How did you travel in 2024? How and/or where would you like to travel next year?

In 2023, I stayed within the state due to limited to PTO and then made it to Utah for national parks! In 2022, I made up for all the lack of traveling by going to the Netherlands, Ohio, Portland in less than 2 months plus a stop in Arizona. In 2021, the second year of the pandemic, we stayed locally although did jet to Hawaii. In 2020, in the first year of the pandemic, I stayed local and only went to a few overnight destinations within a few hours of a drive—one before the pandemic (so it doesn’t count) and down to Central California. In 2019, I made a big trip to Japan and many domestic trips to Phoenix, Portland, and New York. In 2018, I traveled very domestically, mostly local for retreats in Ukiah, Scotts Valley, and Big Sur. Then San Diego for a work thing. And a trip to Squaw Valley. And a crazy long adventure through Chicago and New York. In 2017, I traveled to Minnesota for work, LA twice for “fun”, Las Vegas for a not-so-good fun, and Thailand/Myanmar! Also somehow forgot to mention Cincinnati for MidwestUX! And did I forgot to mention Phoenix? In 2016, I traveled to Finland/Sweden for my first big speaking gig, Portland for a “bachelorette” party, road trip to LA for my sister’s wedding, and Minnesota for work. In 2015, I went to Brazil for a conference, multiple work trips, and a midwest trip. In 2014, I went on multiple weekend trips, increased business trips, and found a destination for ice cream and writing. In 2013, I finished off the bulk of the travel for the Ice Cream Travel Guide. In 2012, I started the journey of a life and went to what I thought was unfathomable (in my life) — six domestic destinations and eight international destinations — for professional and personal reasons. In 2011, I went on one international trip, one domestic…and one super local. In 2010, I went on one international trip and multiple domestic trips.

In 2024, due to the national park pass and helping Chris with mental health and some unexpected things, we went to:

• Point Reyes for a three day workshop and parks!
• Tahoe for a ski trip
• Arizona to visit my sister and Jakobe! Then also to Tucson to Saguaro National Park, Chiricahua National Monument, Bisbee, and a few nearby attractions
• Colorado for Litfest since I got into an advanced weeklong writing workshop at Lighthouse and Rocky Mountain National Park
• LA several times to take care of Chris’ mom’s estate :(
• Washington State to visit friends, Olympic National Park, and Mt. Rainier

Next year? I got the devastating news of a health diagnosis plus the estate in LA requires a lot of work. So I am not sure what travel things will be happening. I had planned to be in LA for a writing conference, Washington DC for a work conference, and possibly Portugal for a writing conference. But everything is now on pause. At the very least, I know there will be at least one trip to LA. And maybe I can make it to Washington DC? But I am not even sure!